Goodbye Innocence

Drunk on sadness, I am mourning the easy days before knowledge became too present to ignore. Yesterday, my partner and I ventured to Disneyland, a theme-park that often reminded me of the better memories of my childhood. My partner hasn't seen most of the movies, so I wanted to start the day by filling the drive with soundtracks of classics such as "The Circle of Life" and "Colors of the Wind".

Recently, the books I have been reading lean towards nature, featuring the balance of life on earth as a circle of death and rebirth. The lyrics were moving, with orchestras and singing that could give anyone goosebumps, but the reality was starting to phase me even on our way there.

The colorful buildings, the constant sound of music, thrilling rides I've been on too many times... It was all nostalgic, and special mostly for the experience of my partner seeing it all for the first time... But the with every plastic cup I drank out of, every flashing light and balloon, my heart sunk heavier. The whisper of a voice of reason, asking me if this is truly what happiness looks like, or if it's a temporary illusion to distract us from the dread of reality.

Would a day of hard work cleaning up a river be as fulfilling as a roller coaster? Definitely not, at least not in the moment. The wonder persist, of wether the thrill would be in my old years, when I could feel proud of the world I left behind, where I gave more than I took.

The work I've done in my life hasn't been significant, yet Disney movies often glorify the individual as grandiose and adventurous, concerned with the well being of others and nature... A lie to sell entertainment, the entertainment that specifically keeps us from the reality via fantasy. The parks are a testament to it, selling greasy unhealthy sugary foods and taking minimum if any steps to reduce their waste, by providing daily shows of fireworks and unstoppable hassle free fun.

It wasn't fun, between every thrill, my stomach soaked up the guilt of my lack of self control. Hiding discomfort isn't hard when you are always walking towards the next distraction. I am not proud to have gone on this splurge, and if I could take it back I would, or so I thought until I sat down.

The reality is that feeling disappointed is giving way to mourning my innocence, something we all try to hold on to as long as we can. Even when we know about sweat shops, bombings, police brutality, sex trafficking, deforestation and pollution, we believe that there will be a magical day in which a solution is handed down to us by people who care more and are working towards this on their own will. I want to say goodbye to a younger me, a two days younger me, someone who kept thinking these things and took personal responsibility in small actions. Even though it's important to be realistic and keep our hopes high, it's essential to give up the idea of a savior that will show up at our door.

We need to start making these hard decisions between what is easy and what will protect life as we know it.

It's more important to me than ever before, to quit using plastic for momentary carelessness. Reduce my car use whenever it's not essential. Only purchase what is necessary, spend the money I have consciously and stop supporting companies that divert from my values.

Most importantly, to stand comfortably in the discomfort; Stop avoiding the reality and take pride in my new power to respect the planet that has given me everything I've ever known, fed me, clothed me, gave beauty and love.

These are all lessons from Braiding Sweetgrass, a book by Robin Wall Kimmerer, an artist that put me back in touch with the divinity that is within the experience of life on Earth. Thank you for teaching me, thank you Earth for holding me as I cry tonight, and thank you for reading my laments.