Constipation in the Cosmos

1. The Stars Were Shaken by the Blockage

The cosmos had ceased to move.

Trade routes were shut down. The wormholes would not open. Like a tourist who has consumed too many dubious space burritos, the majestic arms of galaxies twitched in distress as the great spirals of galaxies halted. The cosmic energy was flowing naturally, but something, somehow, was obstructing it.

The cosmos was becoming very uneasy.

Alarms sounded throughout the Galactic Federation capital. Scientists rushed to determine the origin of the Great Cosmic Blockage on thousands of planets. Some believed it to be a quantum glitch, while others suspected an interdimensional parasite.

However, one name kept coming up in the most obscure parts of classified archives:

Doon, Abrar.

2. The Person, the Legend, the All-Pervading Barrier

Not many people thought Abra Doon was real. A whispered caution to deep-space visitors, he was a legend. The wildest stories claim that he was once a regular guy, a tremendously ambitious adventurer who had found an ancient forbidden power on the lost moon of Xylphos-9.

Depending on who told the story, the specifics changed. He swallowed a black hole, according to some. Others claimed that he had ingested the momentum of the entire cosmos. However, all versions concurred on one point:

It had been seven years since Abrar Doon had a bowel movement.

Initially, nobody took attention. Then the galactic fabric began to show little rippling's. It took longer for wormholes to form. Planets wobbled in their normal gravitational movement. During the sixth year of Abra's wicked curse, whole moons started to disappear.

And now, after seven years, the crisis had gotten out of control.

The universe was at its breaking point.

3. The Cosmos Unclogging Mission

The most perilous mission in history has to be approved by the Galactic Senate:

Look for Abrar Doon. Give him relief. Preserve the cosmos.

A group of highly skilled experts had gathered on board the spacecraft Ouroboros. Captain Vex Thorne, a seasoned combat veteran with neutronium nerves, was in charge of the mission. He was joined by:

Cosmic fluid dynamics expert Dr. Larea Quill is a physicist.

Cybernetic engineer Lt. Zoran, who specializes in "extreme plumbing."

On the planet Kraggoth-5, where digestion was seen as a sacred struggle, Gorg the Unstoppable was a warrior.

The crew embarked on their unachievable mission armed with the most cutting-edge equipment, such as the Anti-Compression Gravity Pulse Injector (A.C.G.P.I.), popularly referred to as the "Universal Enema."

Identifying Abrar Doon was their first obstacle.

4. The Cosmic Constipation

Abrar Doon was at the dead center of the emptiness.

That is, what was left of him.

He had lost his manhood. He was now the obstruction itself. The very flow of reality was trapped inside his enlarged body, which had become into an intergalactic dam.

Bloated beyond recognition, he drifted like a live black hole overflowing.

Before the cosmos caved inward like an overworked stomach, the crew had only minutes to take action before the pressure became too high.

With his teeth clenched, Captain Thorne aimed the A.C.G.P.I. and fired.

5. The Unclogging of the Galaxy

Captain Thorne gave orders in a yell. Put the A.C.G.P.I. into action! Aim for the obstruction's center!

The most compressed point of Abrar Doon's form was locked onto by the ship's targeting systems. The equipment was calibrated by Dr. Quill. The energy stabilizers were turned on by Lt. Zoran.

And the Unstoppable Gorga? To the Gods of Digestion he implored.

The Universal Enema sounded a loud pulse. The heart of the obstruction was struck by a beam of quantum-lubricated energy that sped forth, piercing the fabric of space.

The impact was immediate.

The universe shook with a profound, tremendous vibration. Nebulae twisted in relief, planets trembled, and stars blinked. In an extraordinary cosmic cleanse, the very substance of existence shrank and then grew.

Then—

It took place.

A wail from Abrar Doon reverberated through galaxies. In a burst of matter and light, the barricade broke. After seven painful years of being confined, energy began to flow freely again.

The result was the formation of a new star system. Planets burst forth, each one brimming with the spirit of cosmic release. At the heart of it all?

A bright, throbbing nebula that clearly resembled a heavenly whirlpool of feces.

Never had the cosmos felt so light.

6. The Repercussions

The Ouroboros team looked on in wonder. The cosmic currents were flowing again. Time appeared to breathe once again.

Now that his misery was over, Abrar Doon sailed in peace, his body glowing instead of monstrous.

"I... thank you," he remarked in a serene, almost heavenly voice. "I can now at last go on."

He smiled one last peaceful grin and soared into the heavenly plane, a star legend.

The universe then turned again.

7. The Origin of a Universe Religion

Over the next few years, the Doon Nebula became a popular destination for pilgrims. To allow the universe to flow freely, spacefarers would travel to pay their respects to the man who had endured.

In order to guarantee that the galaxy never experienced such constipation again, a new religion called the Order of the Cosmic Flow was born.

Additionally, civilizations all over the stars would commemorate the Great Galactic Unclogging anniversary each year with a revered ceremony:

A day of relief for all.

A legend that would live on in the pages of history was left behind by Captain Thorne and his crew when they went home.

Last Remarks

Therefore, dear traveler, be aware of this if you ever look at the Doon Nebula and sense the soft tug of the cosmic tides:

The largest bottleneck in history once affected the universe.

And it will not again have constipation again because of a man named Abrar Doon.

The End.