Rootless but Reaching

October 13, 2023

Once again I feel a disconnect from culture, community, and my interpersonal relationships. Although there are factors that motivate these feelings everyday, today was driven by being invited and then uninvited to a church group. There was no malicious intent; it simply turned out that the group primarily speaks Spanish. Since I only speak English, I would have felt excluded. This sense of exclusion seems to be a recurring theme in my life lately.

I tend to befriend people from different cultural backgrounds to gain exposure to new lifestyles and perspectives, experiences that are rare within my Western environment. However, it is difficult to maintain both a verbal and emotional connection with the people I love and admire. Language can be a barrier. We speak from personal dictionaries, and when we try to trade vocabulary, words sometimes turn to invisible ink.

Cultural differences have also caused blockage and hesitation, mainly revolving around loyalty and social expectations. There is somewhat of a divide between personality habits that have been developed from embedded practices and customs. These differences have also created blockages and hesitation in relationships, especially around values like loyalty and social expectations. For example, comfort with physical affection varies across cultures. Some groups like many Caucasian or East Asian communities often express less physical intimacy, whereas in Hispanic or Middle Eastern cultures, gestures like hugging or dancing are common expressions of closeness. Some people greet with cheek kisses. Others nod from across the room. These differences, while small on the surface, carry deeper emotional significance and can create unspoken distance.

Compromising different ideologies has been challenging, especially since it is something I have been navigating alone. I have been folding myself over and over again until I fit in the unfamiliar spaces. I think to grow is to change through being open and vulnerable. I am grateful to have many friends that stem from a vast spectrum of conditions. Friendships spanning across continents, a world of love, yet I feel lonely. I have been confiding in religion as a means to feed the craving I have for connection. Faith has the power to divide through conflict, but also to unite through fellowship and the shared search for unconditional love and peace of mind.

It is important to note that culture and religion exist as separate entities, yet I am detached from the traditions that are rooted in the same soil I've built my life on top of. Moving away from my native family as reserves was a decision I made that was a disposal of part of me that could have been beautiful. Avoiding the systematic pressures involved in substance abuse, education, and the health care system has me sacrificing my pride. I have found myself looking down on people in positions I could have been in if not for my greed and ambition. I distance myself from the life I had in trade for the life I want.