Religion & Relationships

Can’t We All Just Get Along?

The topic of religiosity and its impact on relationships has always fascinated me. From birth, external influences shape much of our identity, particularly in the context of religion. As we gain knowledge, it becomes apparent that some belief systems may struggle to evolve alongside new discoveries. This resistance can lead to judgment, division, and an “us versus them” mentality, which I find to be detrimental to an already divided society.

My journey of questioning and distancing myself from the Christian doctrine led me to experience a range of emotions, including anger and a strong desire for truth. Through extensive research and education in science, philosophy, and religion, I sought a better understanding of my beliefs and those of others. Along the way, I may have come across as overzealous or insensitive, but often it was in response to others soliciting their religious opinions to me first. If others can speak on the subject then so can I. This period of deconstruction allowed me to explore various perspectives and engage in open dialogue.

Conversations about religion can be tricky to navigate and should be approached with care. Challenging a belief system is not an attack on individuals, but rather a critique of the dogma, fear, hypocrisy, and divisiveness associated with it. Unfortunately, these conversations often stall once someone feels personally attacked, triggering an emotional rather than a logical response. Norepinephrine increases which overrides the rational part of the brain. Its why certain conversations get people so heated. Ones that are tied to our identity feel like a personal attack putting you in “ fight or flight”. It’s a topic that individuals often have to ponder on later when their emotions aren’t as heightened.

Many have distanced themselves from organized religion specifically and sought newer, more logical, and inclusive forms of spirituality. Some have distanced themselves from it all and stick to evidence based beliefs only. This diverse spiritual landscape reflects the complexity of the human experience, and it’s crucial to approach discussions about faith with humility and respect, acknowledging that differing beliefs can coexist harmoniously. I hope to foster open-mindedness and thoughtful reflection on the influence of belief systems on individuals, relationships and society as a whole.

Interpersonal relationships are crucial for our well-being, and when a shift in religious beliefs impacts these relationships, it can be especially challenging. Division among families and friends due to differing beliefs can be traumatizing. Having been on different sides of the fence as a believer, non-believer, and everything in between, I’ve gained interesting insights. With over 4000 religions in the world, many people assert that only theirs is the right one, trust me, just ask them. This fosters a colossal arrogance that surrounds many faith-based belief systems. Now that doesn’t mean I want others to lose their faith per se because I believe in democracy, just not a theocracy. The problem is when others are expected to follow the rules of someone else’s beliefs as if we are a monolith. Mutual respect for all beliefs or lack thereof is what I advocate for. Even if I don’t respect the actual belief, I respect your right to have it.

Differing beliefs wouldn’t be such an issue if people just learned to live and let live, but I’m also very aware that many doctrines push for their members to “spread the good news” and it may even be a requirement for some. My question is at what point does that become disrespectful? When is it considered inconsiderate that one is completely disregarding another’s beliefs by pushing their own on them? This is often unwelcome based on the commentary I have seen on the topic and I can attest to that myself as well. I can remember doing some of these things that I cringe at now but hindsight is 20/20! Now let’s be clear, I’m not pushing my beliefs or lack thereof by writing this article, but rather speaking my truth and providing a perspective that many have not heard. It’s also an optional read so there’s that. In another scenario, would a Christian find it respectful to get unwanted Muslim or atheist-themed greeting cards from someone who knows they’re Christian? How about inviting someone somewhere, just assuming their faith, OR simply not caring and mandating that EVERYONE there pray and observe YOUR faith? Does one need to state their religious beliefs before even being welcomed or do you not mind that someone may be awkwardly standing there during your prayer, probably uncomfortable? Then there’s the issue of intolerance where some wouldn’t even break bread with anyone who proclaims a different belief to begin with and that’s very sad in my opinion. I’m sure that we all have some beliefs that may seem absurd to the next person but as long as those beliefs aren’t causing harm to themselves or others, what business is that of anyone else’s anyway? I would be remiss not to mention that I am in no way shape or form referring to “theoretical harm”. Example: Hell.

I have pondered on how group events could be better navigated in such a diverse world and it brought me back to a memory where one couple really had the right idea! I remember being invited to a “Friendsgiving” one year where people of all ages, backgrounds, and beliefs were in attendance. It was probably one of the most diverse get-togethers I’ve gone to and now I prefer that type of setup. Now I completely get that there is a place for exclusivity at times, like minority spaces that discuss the unique challenges a group faces. I’m a minority myself, but I often find that adding some inclusion to the mix is how we grow by seeing multiple perspectives. Everyone was so respectful of each other at this particular gathering that if someone wanted to pray, they were free to do so but independently, without any mandate for everyone else to do the same. I must note that this was also hosted in a diverse and well-educated area which tends to make a difference when it comes to the subject of etiquette and inclusion. That’s a topic for another day.

I believe in standing in one’s convictions but at the same time, making everyone feel seen and heard, especially when in mixed company. I try to be sure that no one feels “othered” in my home or at any gathering I’m hosting. Taking diversity into consideration, as well as the rising number of religious “nones” in this country according to Pew Research, it would behoove many to start thinking about that as this stance is becoming more common (especially among younger generations).

Whatever reasons people have to hold onto their religious beliefs, some actually do thrive with it. That’s great and I respect it. Some thrive without it. That’s also great and that should be respected also. Then there are some that think they are thriving with it, yet they’re stagnant in growth because it’s used as a crutch sometimes. It all depends on the person, their level of indoctrination, fortitude, logical reasoning, and integrity. Even then, I can respect their journey. To each their own. I’ll say it a hundred times if I have to, but again, all anybody wants is respect and the ability to coexist at the end of the day. Freedom of religion also means freedom FROM religion. Many have left religion not only because of what has been discovered as far as some of its origins & contradictory nature, but also because of the turmoil we’ve seen it cause.

Families and friends can be divided for something that no one can even be completely certain of. Extraordinary claims require extraordinary evidence. I firmly believe that claims of snakes and donkeys talking, walking on water, splitting the sea, and living in the belly of a whale for three days & coming out alive are extraordinary claims… and they have not been demonstrable to this day. He who makes the claim has the burden of proof, not the other way around. It’s possible that one group’s beliefs are more aligned with the truth, or maybe everyone is wrong. No one knows for certain, and anyone claiming otherwise is just highly convinced perhaps not understanding fact vs theory. There’s also a possibility that some are disingenuous about their true confidence in their own beliefs. They want to believe it and think that they should believe it, so they shout it from the rooftops… and even louder when in secret doubt. That’s my opinion though and only individuals can truly answer that for themselves.

The only certainty we have is that we have THIS life… and it could be the only one we get. Dead men tell no tales. While I’m still here, I strive to treat people right as much as I can, but without the reward of heaven or the threat of hell which is a form of altruism. Altruism is the selfless act of helping others without expecting anything in return. “It is often considered one of the defining characteristics of what it means to be human,” says Dr. Jessica Myszak, a psychologist in Glenview, Illinois. No religion necessary. In fact, I treat people better now than I did before when I was a Christian because “repentance” was often a cop-out for truly rectifying a situation. Do I always get it right? No. But I like to recognize it and improve it. On the other hand, thinking that no matter what one does, all one needs to do is apologize to the sky and all is forgiven, is kind of a dangerous concept if you think about it.

Now I am not claiming that there is no God, but I am saying that I lack enough evidence to base my life on that with so many discrepancies in the teachings. I have taken the time to look into other beliefs and cultures, but I am most familiar with Christianity as that is what I subscribed to until the age of 36. I question everything now as we all should and I take the effects of indoctrination into account. We don’t really choose what we believe and what we don’t believe. We can say we believe something, but that doesn’t make it altogether true. Can one make themselves believe in Santa Clause again if they no longer have sufficient evidence just because they used to? There could be 2 billion people who still believe there is a fat man in a suit who flies with reindeer, delivering gifts all over the world in one night. Mind you, with different time zones. At the same time, there are 5 billion people who don’t believe it. The ones who do believe it, ask yourself why. The concept was taught before the age of rationale and it gives hope simply put. Another explanation for that, is that many of our beliefs are largely based on our geography.

Belief in things not observed is classified as unfalsifiable evidence which means it cannot be proved or disproved accurately. Just because something is written in a book does not make it so. You can put anything in a book and have multitudes of people believe it generation after generation even when there’s so much evidence that negates it. Since that is certainly not limited to religious text, how then does one decipher what is good information and what is not? Well, there’s always a chance we can be wrong about things, or else the terms misinformation and disinformation wouldn’t exist. This is where science and reason can come in handy. There is a common misconception that science is the truth when science is simply a series of methods to get a better understanding of the way things work. Science doesn’t provide all the answers, but it’s always discovering more and at least changes its stance based on new information. I have yet to see a religion do the same.

My life has drastically improved over the years without religion but that’s not to say there haven’t been occasional ups and downs. Such is life. I don’t see evidence of those religiously affiliated as being more well-adjusted in life than anyone else though. We all seem to share the struggles of humanity and we can’t escape them no matter what we subscribe to. I have experienced some slight fallout in a few relationships due to my shift in beliefs but thankfully, there are some supportive people in my life who do recognize my growth and they let me know it. Some are new and some are “day one’s”.

Personal story: I will never forget some of the energy I felt directed towards me around the time of my wedding. There was definitely an “us versus them” vibe to it with some, and you would’ve thought I had committed an offense for attempting to get married while not being a Christian. The horror! Here’s what I’d like to say to that… Respectfully, Christians are not the gatekeepers to marriage or morality, nor did they start it. If people would read a bit more, they may discover how many concepts predate Christianity & many other religions by thousands of years and marriage is one of them. Marriage was not even originally created for love but was intended to merge families and assets for wealth, as well as to legitimize offspring. I could name other examples but I won’t get into all of that now. I said all of this to say, that it’s just not worth it to me to put theories over the people that I care about who are right in front of me and could be gone tomorrow. Again, that’s me but if you speak to others who waited too late to see things this way, you’ll also see that many have regrets and wish they could go back in time.

I know to some this may sound as if I’m demonizing the church, but I don’t doubt that the church has done some good. The early black church was especially helpful as it was a safe haven for enslaved people to commune and attain resources, but the founder and President of Black Nonbelievers Inc. said something one time that I will never forget. “Sometimes what helps us survive is not what helps us thrive.” — Mandisa Thomas

In conclusion, I want to make it clear that I won’t be addressing this topic again for a some time unless absolutely necessary. People can choose to accept me or not, it’s as simple as that. I don’t and won’t beg anyone to be in my life. If someone feels they would be better off without me, I encourage them to leave. If I feel someone is committed to misunderstanding me, I will walk away myself, no matter who they are. I can still love them from afar depending on who they are to me, but I won’t accept that behavior in my life anymore. I go where I’m appreciated not tolerated. I am constantly evolving, so unless someone has spoken with me recently, they don’t know what I believe as it depends on the topic. Don’t assume or project, and don’t be too forward in your questioning. Some things are personal depending on your relationship with someone, and it’s inappropriate to bring up the topic at times. That’s a decorum we all must learn in our own timing. Let’s talk about other things! There are so many interesting topics and people in life with lots of new perspectives to offer, giving us a broader worldview. Let’s at least be open to people who are different than us and be willing to find common ground. This is called stepping up your conversation game folks! If we truly accept people for their differences and offer mutual respect, we can make the world a little bit better of a place.

“I try to do good in the world, not out of fear of hell or reward of heaven, but because it feels better not to be a jerk.” — Unknown

Sources:

https://www.pewresearch.org/religion/2024/01/24/religious-nones-in-america-who-they-are-and-what-they-believe/

https://www.huffpost.com/entry/if-not-gods-authority-who_b_8090588

https://psychcentral.com/health/altruism-examples

University of Edinburgh Science, Philosophy & Religion: Philosophy & Religion 2020

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