Exile

“This is great, man; I’m so proud of you,” I gave Doug a congratulatory thump on his back; he had been working on this gallery show for six months now. He always had a passion for the arts and had been planning an event like this since he was in high school.

“Thanks, dude, you know I couldn’t have done it without you!” he said.

“Oh please, you didn’t need me to help with this,”

“Well, no, not you, but your money sure was helpful!” We both laughed. I had given Doug quite a bit of money to work on this project. I knew he didn’t have it, and I knew it would be worth the investment.

“Please, go enjoy yourself,” Doug squeezed my shoulder, handed me a glass of champagne from the waitress who was circling the room, and continued on to speak to other potential investors. I wander the large warehouse, which once had been dark and dank, now had a beautiful multicolored glow to it. The lighting splashed off the paintings they pointed to, making the room a sea of colors to swim through. As I continued to walk, I stopped momentarily at a picture in particular. To some, it would look like a smear of colors on a 4x6 ft canvas, but I saw her, the most beautiful woman I had ever met, who I loved more than I would be able to tell her. Then, as I turned to move on to another image, there she was. I could see her standing with his arms around her body. Looking at them, I felt my core icing over, spreading down my arms and legs, and then a sudden heat filled me. Him? Of all people, she’s with him now? They started to laugh, but the joke’s not funny at all. Playing with me like this was inhumane, like kicking a puppy as you walk by it on the side of the street. He placed his hand on her lower back as they flounced about the room. It had been eight months since I had last seen her, but it felt like it took her five whole minutes to wrap us up and leave me with it. I evaded their movement, mirroring their steps on the opposite side so as not to be noticed. He was tall and lean, with a muscular build that seemed to tower over her. She wore a dress that cascaded down her body from a single thread tied around her neck. The glistening shade of emerald made her look like a walking jewel. As I was gawking at her, she suddenly turned, and our eyes met, and the luminous smile disappeared. I think I’ve seen this film before, and I didn’t like the ending.

********

“Are you excited?” He was looking at the road, but I could feel his loving gaze surrounding me.

“Yeah, although I have to say I’m a little surprised Doug invited us,” Doug was my ex’s best friend, and while we had stayed cordial, I didn’t expect him to invite me to such an important event for him, especially one I had to assume my ex would be at.

“I’ve never been to one of these things before; this should be fun! Although you are probably going to have to explain to me some of the pictures, I was never fully immersed in this artsy world the way you are.” Justin was a professional athlete and an entrepreneur with his own line of energy drinks he created, but above all, he was my home, my person, and always open to new experiences, a refreshing change from what I previously experienced. It was easy with him, I thought love was supposed to be hard, destructive at times, like war, a constant battlefield you walked through, hoping not to step on a landmine.

But that wasn’t Justin; with him, love was like a glisser through a field of flowers that tickled your legs as they brushed up against you, like a forever sunshower that keeps you warm yet nourishes you with each drop. I had never known a love like this, and I hoped never to know a love like anything else.

As we arrived, he opened my door for me and held my hand as I slid myself elegantly out of his vehicle in such a way as not to reveal myself. My dress was a flowy silky thing that tied around my neck and laid just right on my body, clinging to certain parts and loose on others; maybe I wore it cause I felt good in it, or maybe I wore it cause he would never allow me to do so, regardless the dress was perfect for this event. We walked into the warehouse that had now been altered to reflect a luxurious, high-end art show. Doug had really outdone himself, I wonder how he got the money for all this.

“Hey, gorgeous!” Doug appeared behind us and gave me a big hug, I always liked him; he was so kind, and of all the friends, he was the only one who really understood what happened and was neutral to the situation.

“Hey, Doug!” I embraced him back and held him for a moment; it was so lovely to see a familiar face. I took a step back and wrapped my arm around Justin’s.

“Doug, this is my boyfriend, Justin,” Justin grabbed his hand and gave it an enthusiastic shake.

“Hey man, congrats on, um, all of this, it's really cool! I can’t wait to take a look at your stuff,” As I said, Justin was simple, but his enthusiasm made up for the lack of culture; he really meant it when he said he thought it was ‘cool.’

“Thanks, Justin. A pleasure to meet you, and I do hope you enjoy yourself,” Doug winked at me before moving on to entertain the rest of his soiree. Justin and I wandered around, looking at the beautiful works of art. The theme was Love, Lost, and Found, and each painting depicted a different stage of losing or finding love; it was all incredibly prepossessing. Justin asked me questions and gave me his own interpretations of each piece. They were beautifully different from mine; it was nice to have a new perspective on things that I loved, and opened me up to new ideas and ways to view life.

As we turned to move to a new section of the gallery, I stopped. A pair of gazing eyes met mine, and my heart sank like a ship in an unforgivable storm. I could see him staring at Justin and me like he was just an understudy. I knew he would be here, but I couldn’t help but hope I wouldn’t have to see him; his glare felt like arrows shooting through me, and I couldn’t help but feel just the slightest bit guilty. It appeared he was alone; had he not moved on? It’s been eight months since we last saw each other; he should be moved on by now. So why is he acting like he’d get his knuckles bloody for me? As if he would come and fight Justin for my love, like I had done something wrong by finding someone who made me feel the way I deserved. I used to polish the dishes for him until they gleamed and glistened; I used to wait up for him every night, hoping I had done enough to finally feel the love we had when we first met. But it never came; at most, he tolerated me, and when I tried to tell him, he pushed me away. I gave him second, third, and hundreds of chances, but it never mattered; he would love me for a week, then the facade would fade back to the original screening of a film I think I’d seen before, and I didn’t like the ending.

“Hey, honey, you okay?” Justin placed his hand on my lower back, then followed my gaze before I could remove it.

“Oh, that’s him, isn’t it?” Justin was now looking at him as I began to fidget with my nails. I used to pick them down to the quick; I haven’t done this since I left him. Justin gingerly grabbed my hands to stop me.

“Do you need to go talk to him?” He asked me in such a genuine manner I looked at him confused.

“Would you be okay with that?” I couldn’t just walk over to him and start talking; he used to be an essential man in my life, and that wasn’t allowed.

“Of course, babe, sometimes it's good to talk to someone after time has passed. Gives you some closure, ya know?” When Justin speaks like this, I am reminded that he is not what I’m used to, which is why I’m with him now.

“I don’t really want to,” I said, “But I think I may have to,” Justin, still holding my hand, brought it to his lips.

“Okay baby, hey, I’m gonna go get us some drinks; I’ll be right over there if you need me,” With one final brush of his lips to my temple, he walked towards the complimentary drinks, and I started my battle march towards an old combatant.

***************

The two had not seen each other in months, and now they found themselves thrust into an unavoidable situation in which they would have to come to terms with their past. She had worked so hard to forget him, had spent months healing herself from the inside out, meeting herself again and the new person she had permutated to. While he spent his nights alone, swallowing his sorrow, which now came in the form of a brown liquid, convincing himself that her leaving was the best thing that had ever happened to him, he knew deep down that was the truest lie he had ever told himself.

“Hey,” Her voice quivered with nerves.

“Hey,” His voice was stale and reserved; his eyes wandered around the room nervously until he finally forced himself to look at her, truly look at her. “It’s nice to see you again,” He said, reaching his arm out for a shallow hug, hoping it wouldn’t frighten her. She returned the gesture, wrapping her opposite arm around him and pressing her cheek to his as if to give a light kiss.

“It’s been a while, how have you been?” She asked, feeling a little more confident now. That things were okay, and they could talk like old friends.

“I’ve been alright, just trying to keep myself together,” He said in a flat tone, “Looks like you are doing just fine,” he muttered as he took a sip of his whiskey.

She was taken aback by the comment; perhaps they couldn’t be civil.

“Yes, as a matter of fact, I have been, now that I’ve picked up the broken pieces you left me in,” her voice was now sharp. She wouldn’t let him make her feel inferior anymore.

“Pshh, broken, yeah okay, you sure look broken in that promiscuous dress,” his tone matched hers.

“I’m not your problem anymore, so who am I offending? Justin loves this dress,” Her voice welled with tears; this is not what she wanted; she never wanted to feel this kind of anger again.

“Yeah, I’ll bet he does,” She looks so beautiful, he thought, why couldn’t he just say that? Why did his jealousy always overcome him when it came to her?

“What is your problem? All I wanted to do was come over here and maybe have some closure, put our past away, and possibly move forward,” She felt her chest tightening; she didn’t want this.

“Oh, is that what you wanted? Well, guess what, sweetie, we don't always get what we want; you think I got what I wanted when you walked out on us?” He always blamed her, and maybe it was partially her fault, but he knew she wasn’t the only one who let their relationship crumble.

“Oh please, don’t act like this is all my fault; we always walked a very thin line, and you know that, How could you not feel it? Was there never a moment you were unhappy?”

“Of course, there were moments I was unhappy, hell I was always unhappy, but I loved you, I always loved you, don’t you get that? How could you not see it? There is no amount of crying I could do for us that would match the amount of pain I felt when you left.”

She stood there, watching all the emotions come out of him that she never knew existed, the ones that should have been there when she was walking out. Why was it now that he showed this passion? Why was it now that she had moved on and was happy that he had chosen to show that he genuinely cared?

“Hell, you even never gave a warning sign! You just up and left, no goodbye, no trying, nothing, just gone!” His hands clenched, his voice raised, but his eyes filled with tears. She looked at him silently, her face a softer reflection of his.

“I gave . . . so many signs,” She shook her head gently, “ . . . You didn’t even see the signs,” a single tear spilled from her left eye.

“Well, I’m so sorry, I never learned to read your mind,” his voice lowered. He finished the nefarious liquid in his glass, and she watched him as he did, remembering why she had left, all the reasons she needed to leave.

Justin came up behind her, his hand on her back, whispering something in her ear. She shook her head, and they turned and left together. He watched them leaving out the side door and knew he had done it again, pushed her away when really all he wanted was to hold her so close to his body that they melded into one. She was his town, and now he was in exile, seeing her out.