Blue Christmas

What is a Blue Christmas? A Blue Christmas is when to me people are feeling low and feeling left out. You kind of get used to the feeling of being left out, but when they try to include you, you can tell that their heart is really not for it shows on them when they are not really looking and talking to you but looking around for something or someone. You graciously say, "Go ahead over there I don't mind."

A lot of times I really do not think too many people really wanted me or at the time my mom to move down here. No one really greeted us or said welcome, but kind of just went their business as usual. Even today even though my mom is no longer here, and in a much more heavenly place I still feel like no one really wants me around. There might be one or two, but they are growing up and moving on with their lives.

When I was living in Western Pennsylvania the people down here the ones I cared for as babies then young children must have been very busy or something for, they never seemed to call to wish us a Merry Christmas of Happy New Year for very rarely not even a Happy Birthday. Maybe a few months before we did move down here my oldest and youngest niece did call a few times, but believe it or not if I remember right, it was about a money issue. My sister would send a box of three or four Christmas presents from the crew down here of about that time one box signed with nine or ten names. I still have a few somewhere.

During those almost 16 years we had a lot of Blue Christmas's waiting for a phone call or two that at times did not come till a day or two later. It just hurts to feel left out, and you seem to know that no one really wanted you around. I did find out about this when one day my oldest grandniece asked her Nana "Why did you bring 'them' down here?" My sister explained but by the expression on the grandnieces face just seemed like she didn't really care.

When my grandnieces and nephews were much younger, I tried to get to know them for I only back when had about two weeks when they were three and four years old one summer and we did a lot of fun things together, I remember but they don't. I will always remember those two weeks for that what makes it a tad easier now. I was told my first niece's now husband that they the kids were not to listen to me, and I was undermined by the person she was married to before him. During this time of trying to get know them and making sure the youngsters were safe I was also trying to help my mom who was starting to develop Alzheimer's, and I was going back and forth between houses.

From the children all I ever got was fighting and bickering, there were a few good times, but and when they always left on the weekends to go to their Maw Maw's house, they would hug everyone else and skip over me I would put my arms out they would just look and frown. It still hurts today when I know they probably only do it out of obligation or go the other way. That is why Christmas will kind of always be a bit of a Blue Christmas for me for I still feel like an intruder down here in Louisiana and do not really feel apart my sister tries to include me the subjects seem to change, and I try to find a place and go back to listen and staying out of the way. My first niece is having an early Christmas and it probably be a lot of remembering her other grandparents and the memories they shared way back when and I really do not want to go for that makes it even lonelier for me when they mention all those other relatives I only know by name.

Sorry for the rambling I think this critique of Blue Christmas is a bit lone and should fit in Journal or even Confession. What do you think?