Tales from Redford - The Butcher

Here I sit, watching the blood run down my leg. I’m not long for this world. Hopefully writing my story may garner sympathy for the one that finds it. They might have questions, like how’d this man die here in the middle of the desert, wearing a Mexican long coat, German underwear, and that stupid white top hat? Let me explain myself in this little black notebook.

My name is Adelbert Weber, from the small town of Redford in Wyoming. My trouble began when a fellow named Soren Kemp moved in from Germany. I have no idea how or why he came to town but do I know one thing, a better butcher never lived. His Bratwurst sausage brought people from miles around. His ability was so outrageous, he nearly drove the town’s first butcher to financial ruin. Unfortunately, that butcher was me.

My grandfather’s from Germany too. He passed the butcher trade down to my father and me, but they must have forgotten all those German secrets. All they taught about Germany was the language. Still, I managed to make a good living… till Soren came. First, I was excited to meet another German, then I found out he looked down on me as an inferior. He said terrible things about me and stole all of my business. I felt like a beggar in my own town.

I don’t blame people for turning on me. He made better sausages than I did. A lot better. Still, It hurt watching folks avoid my shop, then visit his. Then I had to watch as he bought a big house in the middle of town. Envy ate me up every day. I wanted his life and I wanted the affection that people showed him. I also wanted those secret German recipes, the ones my family couldn’t give me. I figured he kept them in this little black notebook that I’m writing in. Yeah, I stole it off him. I kind of regret it now, as I prepare to meet my maker.

Here’s how it happened.

I was drinking at O'Connor’s bar around eight pm yesterday. I knew the time because I could hear the distant drums. We had a Mexican dentist that owned these huge drums, which he always played from eight till two every night for some shamanic reason. No one seemed to mind, on account of him being an amazing dentist. He conjured up these potions that cured any tooth problem and became very wealthy. Regardless of his social standing, everybody feared him. If he just looked at you, your hair would stand on end. I don’t like to talk about him, but the white hat and long coat belonged to him. Oh... and he stabbed me.

Anyway, Soren sat at the poker table last night. It must have been his first time playing cards. We all knew the dealer was not to be trusted, but I guess Soren never got the message. I enjoyed my beer, listening to him get angry. His German curses put a smile on my face. Suddenly a shot rang out! I turned and saw cards flying through wisps of sulfuric smoke. Two men restrained the dealer as Soren stumbled toward the bar bleeding, with a gun in his hand. Tom also held a gun, but his gun was smoking. Soren stumbled, looked up at me, and said his last words, “ich bin kaputt!” then fell at my feet.

“Call a doctor!” I said as I knelt to tend to his wounds, and to see if I could find his little black notebook. It might have been a sin, but I slipped my hand into his cost pocket and felt the fine leather binding of the little treasure. Finally, all his secrets belonged to me!

Around eleven, things settled down in the bar. I took a seat in the back and read the German’s notebook. It was full of recipes and personal entries. The last one caught my interest. Here’s what it said:

I’m such a ridiculous man, and I fart so loud in bed, I wake ze neighbors. My flatulence is so overwhelming, I’m surprised people can cope with it.

Ha! Sorry, I couldn’t resist. Ok… Here’s what he actually wrote.

Oh happy day, I finally have ze last piece of my grand puzzle! Ze scheme I have concocted to rob ze bank will finally come to life. Last month, I completed ze tunnel from my bedroom to ze bank vault, but I lacked ze courage to employ it. All that has changed. I have acquired an advantage by sheer chance.

Earlier today, I delivered a basket of my best frankfurters to ze dentist. He is a strange man, with ways that I will never comprehend. It’s well known he wears a white top hat and long leather coat every day, but imagine my surprise when I enter his home and discover hundreds of white hats and coats. His house is overflowing with them! After my delivery, he shows his gratitude by offering me a gift. Right then, a genius plan came to me. I told him I admired his hats and coats. I would be honored to accept a pair. He considered it and gave me what I asked for.

On ze morning after my great bank heist, I will disguise myself as ze dentist. He is a feared man, who no one wishes to cross. He also plays those infernal drums all night long, which is ze perfect alibi. No one will suspect him of the night-time robbery and none would dare confront him. Disguised as ze dentist, I can easily board a coach to ze coast and escape. My plan is complete!

Here’s the last entry:

Oh, I’m such an amazing criminal! Using my tunnel, I entered ze bank vault. I’d never seen so much money. I am not a greedy man, so I only took half of it, so I am twenty thousand dollars richer! I have my coach tickets and disguise ready for tomorrow morning. After a careful study of his manners, I am confident that I can play ze role. I am confident there will be no trouble, but before I go I wish to experience gambling. I’ve never done it before and wish to try. I have plenty of money, what is ze worst that can happen?

I couldn’t believe it, so I asked the bartender about it. He told me Soren burned through nearly twenty thousand dollars in less than half an hour. Made him sick to watch it, but bartenders don’t take sides, especially when they get a cut of the action.

I left the bar at midnight. A storm was closing in. I heard thunder in the distance, competing with the dentist’s drum. Fat raindrops fell and the prospect of walking an hour in wet clothes crushed my spirit. And there, right in front of me, I saw Soren’s house. I thought of all the nice things Soren had acquired. Things I should have been enjoying.

I broke into the house, using the storm as cover. It was so beautiful inside. Chandeliers, hand-carved furniture, and beautiful paintings. As I walked through his house, it felt like home. I retired to his bedroom and found the hat, coat, and ticket resting on the bed. I also saw the hole. I don’t consider myself a thief, but when twenty thousand dollars practically falls into your lap, you don’t ask questions. Besides, if Soren could do it, I could do it too.

Lightning flashed as I slid into the tunnel. As I crawled towards the bank, my clothes got soaked by the rain that seeped into the tunnel. It filled the tunnel so deep in places, I feared I might not make it out. Still, I persisted and eventually emerged in the vault soaked to the bone. I had never seen so much cash. I filled my pockets with every dollar.

After returning to the bedroom, I searched for dry clothes and found some fancy full-body German underwear. I’m not usually partial to the finer things, nor happy to wear another man’s underwear, but I must admit they felt like clouds spun into cloth. When I sat on that amazing bed, I realized that no force in nature could force me to walk an hour in the rain. I slept like a baby.

I woke with a start, realizing that might have missed the coach. I jumped from the bed, put on the disguise, and stuffed my pockets with the money. The clock told me I had no time to spare.

The rain had stopped and fog filled the streets. As I walked to the coach depot, I could tell people were agitated. The news from the bank had gotten around. Fortunately, my disguise worked and no one looked me in the eye as I walked past. Finally, I saw the coach depot emerge from the fog, with the sheriff standing at the gate. His deputy stood beside him and when he saw me, he pulled on his boss’s sleeve.

“Hey Sheriff, look! It’s the dentist again!”

My blood froze in my veins and sweat started to pour down my face. I turned my eyes slowly towards them and saw both looking straight at me. Then I realized, in my haste to leave that morning, I forgot my full attire. Under the coat, I wore nothing but German underwear and boots. I was toast for sure, but I heard the sheriff say “Don’t cause a fuss, I done searched him once. That’s more than I ever want to do again.” The Sheriff tipped his hat to me and looked away as I passed.

The coachman yelled at me to hurry up, so I ran the rest of the way through the mud, jumped aboard and slumped in my seat as the coach departed. I thought I was scot-free, till I looked up and saw a mirror reflection of myself.

There sat the dentist, dressed just like me, aside from the German underwear of course. His penetrating stare transfixed me as guilt boiled in my soul. I had to say something. “What’s in the box?” I pointed to a container on the bench beside him.

“Frankfurters,” said the dentist, “I can’t stop eating them.” His voice sounded so defeated, I almost felt better. Then he pulled a knife on me.

“The wild spirit told me to take the coach today. I knew not why. Now I meet a pale shadow of myself, after suffering the sheriff's hand.”

My mouth moved, but words refused to come out. I wanted to explain, but as I fumbled, a few bundles of cash fell out of my pocket. He looked at the cash and understood everything. His eyes flashed with fury as he stabbed me, opened the door, and kicked me out. I fell to the lonely place I now sit.

There’s my story, my sins laid bare. If you feel sympathetic, see to it I get a proper burial. My pockets are full of cash. And if you happen to come across a Mexican wearing a funny white hat, ask him if he’s got any of those frankfurters left.