Supermarket Sweep

Hi! My name is Jamie Thompson. I’m a 28-year old, average run of the mill guy living in Nacogdoches , TX...never heard of it? --- Yea, me neither! Never in my wildest dreams would I have imagined that at 28 I’d be living in a podunk town like this. The air reeks of crisp, clean oxygen and hard work. Not my kind of place at all! Give me the drab, smog filled monotony of the city any day. I’m talking about the fast paced, lively, get out of the way action of Columbus, Ohio!

I’m serious! Have you ever witnessed Super Saver Saturday at the Big Bird? Tough stuff! You could lose your life! Well --- I actually did lose my life. I’m talking dead, kaput, outta there, cease to exist. Now I know you may be thinking, “How can you be dead if you’re in fact alive?”

Ohhhhh wait. Just you wait!

This story is about me. The real me, or at least the me that used to be me. My real name is Samuel L. Smith. Sam Smith for short. Yes, I know! I share a name with the singer Sam Smith... with all of his singing and British charm and fame and money. Way to go Sam! Way to ruin life for the rest of the Sam Smiths of the world. If I get asked about listening to his music one more time, I’m going to scream.

I’m actually 30 years old and I worked as a Human Resources Manager for Homestead Corp, an organization that specializes in residential housing for the elderly, families, and students. I live a comfortable life. I’m moderately friendly, donate to a charity or two occasionally, and rarely litter. I think I have a nice blending of characteristics. I don’t strive for too much. I make sure to put in just enough effort to get by. A minimalist if you will. My life was perfect.

So how did I end up here, dead and unenthused? You can thank Big Bird for that!

Super Saver Saturday is an event that every Ohioan knows about. Twice a year, the local Big Bird will have a MASSIVE sale. I’m not talking about the usual coupon cutting, promo code type of sale. Oh no. This sale puts those to shame. Super Saver Saturday is the king of sales, the ender of sales, the sale of all sales. I don’t know how they do it but somehow Big Bird manages to gather farmers, manufacturers, distributors, suppliers, and wholesalers from all over the country and bring them under one giant roof to offer closeout, bargain basement prices. It’s like sorcery in and of itself. Everything you buy is 50-70% off the normal price. Crazy.

This sale only lasts a couple of hours and I’m sure you can understand why. The even crazier part is that getting access to the sale is exclusive. No one really knows how you gain access to it but I’ve been told that you just randomly get a text message with a location and a time and BOOM! Super Saver Saturday.

Plenty of rumors float around about it too. I heard once that the facilitators always invite a few more people than supply can support to create competition. I guess it’s more entertaining to watch people fight over Butternut Squash. This year though, I heard something big is in the works. Big Bird is hosting a contest. Entrants will compete in a series of tasks, a supermarket sweep if you will. First prize is $20,000 and the top three winners will have uninterrupted first access to the Super Saver. Talk about huge!

I guess it’d be kind of cool to win $20,000. I could really sit back and take it easy then. Don’t mind me, just sitting here...comfortable...on my little nest egg. Yea. That’s nice! But, the chances of that happening are slim so no use getting my hopes up.

*Ding Ding* A text message.

I look at my phone suspecting that someone from work needs my help. I’m just going to delegate the problem to someone else so might as well get this over with.

‘“Congratulations! You’ve been selected to participate in the Inaugural Super Saver Saturday Supermarket Sweep. Come try your hand at $20,000 and some SUPER SAVINGS! The contest begins this Saturday at 10 am sharp! Be there or be square!”

Reply ‘Yes’ to accept or ‘No’ to decline.

Ok first off, ‘Be there or be square?’ What is this the 90s? Also someone really loves alliteration. What’s up with all those S’s?

Wait! How did I even get invited? I don’t remember filling out one of those pieces of paper you find at the mall to win a car. This is weird!

*Types Yes*

What am I doing? I suck at competition!

“Stupendous! Your participation has been confirmed. Please arrive at the 4780 W. Wide St. location 30 min prior to the start of the contest. Good luck and let’s get to SAVING!”

I guess I’m stuck now.

Saturday comes and I arrive at the Big Bird location at 9:30 as instructed. I really don’t know what’s going on with me. I’m not usually this punctual. I’m a minimalist, remember? Minimal effort. As I’m walking to the doors, I notice a small black book on the ground. I normally wouldn’t pick up something like this but it looked like one of those bingo books like you see in the movies. Thin, sleek leather binding, sturdy, antique looking. It was intriguing so I picked it up. I opened the small black book and found a numbered list.

3. Cereal: Kellogg’s Shredded Mini Wheats

1. Ezekiel Bread

9. Roll Butter

4. Farmers Best Brown Eggs

12. Tyson Skinless Chicken Breasts

What? This doesn’t really make sense. Why are the numbers out of order? As I was reading the list in the book, I managed to bump into a small elderly woman just on the other side of the door. Thank goodness I didn’t injure her. You know the elderly tend to be a little frail. Surprisingly though, this particular woman seemed to be pretty fit for her age. She hardly flinched. Must be all of the jazzercise.

The store’s interior was decorated with banners, a big balloon arch, and those little squiggly things that hang from the ceilings. There were ten cashiers lined up at their registers, some video recording crews, a radio station, WWYD I think, and a host. This really does look like Supermarket sweep. Each of the contestants lined up as the host explained the rules. There were ten of us. The rules were clear. Each contestant was to storm through the aisles selecting various products that would fit a selected theme. There were certain staple items that needed to be in everyone’s basket. Each brand of item had a ranking. Those rankings would then be combined. The contestant with the highest combined score ranking would win the $20,000 prize. The theme was Amish country. We were to gather five items that contained ingredients that Amish people may have eaten. We need two carbs, two proteins, and a fat. This should be interesting.

What do Amish people eat anyways?

They probably had chickens everywhere, made their own bread from scratch, and churned their own butter...Wait a minute!

“On your mark, get set...go!”

If you don’t see where this was going, the items listed in that little black book somehow were the exact items I needed to win that prize...and boy did I win! $20,000. What should’ve been a fortuitous day morphed into the end of my life.

As it turns out, I wasn’t supposed to win. I wasn’t even supposed to find that little black book.

Mrs. Robinson was a sweet old lady. She was always prim and proper, folded her handkerchief into crisp triangles, wore a single strand of pearls around her neck, and always smelled of that perfume that elderly women always wear. She was a devout routinist and always followed the same schedule every single day.

Mrs. Robinson lived at Mountainside Senior Provinces, a community of senior apartments. That book. That was Mrs. Robinson’s book. But why was her book in the parking lot of the Big Bird? Remember that strong lady I bumped into...bingo!

Mrs. Robinson was supposed to win that money. Mrs. Robinson is the matriarch of a very powerful drug and food monopoly known as the Lastosteal. Apparently, this whole Super Saver Saturday is a coverup for something more insidious.

Remember when I said that suppliers, manufacturers, and distributors all gather under the same roof to bargain and sell? It was just a front for an incredibly intricate network of goods smuggling, illegal trade, and assets capitalization. That $20,000 that I won was supposed to be introduced back into the Super Saver System to be cleaned. That didn’t happen.

God how did I get mixed up in all of this?

The FBI had been investigating Lastosteal for a long time. They always suspected that they were a part of some master scheme to appear legitimate but could never pinpoint exactly how they were able to stay under the radar. That, unfortunately, is where I come in. Do you remember where Mrs. Robinson stays...Mountainside Senior Provinces? Mountainside is one of many properties owned by, you guessed it, none other than Homestead Corp, the company I work for. I had unknowingly been hiring Lastosteal members as staff and caretakers over at Mountainside for years. Naturally the FBI thought that I was a co conspirator, so they ended up tailing me. They planned to use me to uncover the details of an intricate scheme. That’s how I was entered into the contest. The FBI hacked the super saver system and invited me.

After I won the prize money, I did what any sensible person would do...I went home. I’d had way too much excitement. I placed the check I won, a small check mind you, in a box behind a brick in my fireplace (It’s where I keep all of my important momentos) and collapsed on the couch. Just as I was about to doze off, I heard a knock on my door. Before I could even think about seeing who it was, the door had flung open.

“GET DOWN! GET ON THE FLOOR!”

Have you ever witnessed a soul leave its body?...I passed out!

When I came to, I was in some darkly lit room with screens everywhere. There were two guys huddled over a couple of the monitors and a woman getting some coffee.

The smart thing to do would’ve been to quietly observe and figure out a way to escape... but that’s not what I did. Instead I sneezed and alerted my captors that I was now coherent. Thank you allergies for your betrayal.

Basically, these guys were the FBI. They had originally planned to capture me and use me as bait, but that all changed the moment the Lastosteal showed up to my apartment and trashed the place.

A lot of things happened, my identity was changed, blah blah blah, and now I’m here...in podunk city.

Not exactly the happy ending I was expecting. Who knew that $20,000 and a little black book would cause this much trouble?

So, goodbye Sam, hello Jamie!

Life here isn’t too bad I guess! They have trees! Those are nice! There’s a trail that runs along a creek that I frequent. I like to sit underneath this slightly gangly tree that overreaches the bank. It’s the perfect place to take an afternoon nap.

Today I gathered in my usual spot and closed my eyes. The breeze sure does feel nice.

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*Footsteps approach*.

“Sam Smith?”