I know a Murderer

The title says it all: I know a murderer. He's a recent murderer. He murdered for the first time September 16, 2020. It's the only murderer I know. Period. This man I let in my home, I let him hold my child, I let him eat my food, breathe the same air, use my stuff. It's been about a week since this murder happened, and it took me a long time to process it. I know it doesn't seem like a "long time" in the scope of most things, but for someone who reads about a lot of crap on the news, it was a long time for me, especially because there are many dynamics that I had to break down to get to this point.

Context: I live in an area where mental health services are hard to get when you are impoverished. Yeah, we can get Medicaid, but that doesn't cover a lot of the therapists in this area, especially many of the good ones. We have no inpatient care for mental health in my county. We used to a long time ago, but the hospital that had it took it out since it wasn't getting the funding it needed. We had two hospitals in the area, but they shut down and a new one was opened, it still had no mental health wing. Yes, there are excellent inpatient care and cheaper options outside of my county. That's wonderful unless... You are severely impoverished, don't have friends/family who can drive, friends/family who are willing to help you, don't have a car, or don't have a license, don't have car insurance, don't have your car registered it, doesn't do any good to know a good place to go when you can't get there.

I want to structure this in a way that is framed by not only the series of events, details of the case, reactions of people on social media, but my own feelings. I was rather shaken by most of this. Its unsettling when you know someone who capable of something so horrible. I will describe it as I saw it. This is definitely a first person account of what it is like to know a murderer.

That morning was different as it could be that day. My son started Kindergarten. I am a first time Kindergarten Mom, it's the first time my son has ever been in school. Period. This day had emotional upset to begin with. I dropped my kid off at his school, had a good cry in the car and headed to Wal-Mart in the city where the murder took place. I needed to pick up some groceries and clothes for my kid, so he had clothes to go to school in. His Dad had picked out clothes that were boarder line too small. Just large enough to fit, but just small enough that our son is uncomfortable.

I did my shopping picking out new clothes for my child, a few shirts, jeans, dress shirts, a sweat shirt, coat, boots, shoes, gloves and hat. I peruse the grocery section getting necessities, check out and then go home. I left to go home at 11:30 A.M. EST. The murder took place at 12:30 P.M. EST only an hour later. If I had decided to go to Meijer after being at Wal-Mart, which I do sometimes, I could have been in the wrong place at the wrong time.

Anyway, on with my day! I arrive at home, put away the groceries, show off the clothes I got for my son to my Mom and settle down on the couch to begin work. Before I work I check social media to get it all out of my system. I scroll down my Facebook feed and I run into a post that was put up by a local scanner group page. It says "STABBING Sporting Section of MEIJER 2 victims? Elderly male not moving one CONFIRMED K." These posts are posted as the information comes over a police scanner so it's live. My heart dropped into my stomach knowing what I mentioned before. That if I had gone to Meijer I would have been in the wrong place at the wrong time. I didn't even know I knew the murderer yet. After I had calmed down, which was in a matter of a few minutes. I prayed for the victim(s), and moved on with my day. Like I said, I didn't know I knew the murderer yet. The news about who it was didn't come out until the next day.

The next day it's also another first for me. My sons first day on the bus. I was a wreck almost crying when he left. My day went on as usual working, surfing Facebook and listening to the "Hamilton" soundtrack. Then approximately around the time I had seen the first post the day before I see another one. This one is different, it's a link to a news story with a picture of the murderer. I didn't recognize him since he has changed a bit since the last time I saw him. I open the article and read, his name is mentioned first thing. My heart drops into my stomach, and I start shaking. Holy crap! I know this dude! I know the murderer! This guy, who stabbed an 85-year-old man in the head, who was held at gun point until the police arrived by a licensed CPL holder. Holy fricking crap!

I was so shocked, and not even the kind where your feelings shut down oh no, no. This isn't the same shock I felt when my Papa (mentioned in the last article) got in his motorcycle accident. It wasn't even the same shock I felt when he died. I was shaken to the core. I was shaking all day. I was afraid. This guy is a friend of my ex-husband. They guy was always a little strange. He seemed harmless at the time... who knew he was a ticking time bomb? The last time I saw him. He was hanging out with my ex while I packed up my things to leave. He (the murderer) was mad at me for leaving my ex, and taking our son with me. If this attack, this murder was provoked... I couldn't help but think if I had been there. Could I have been the victim? Would he have killed me? I did do something to make him mad... I shuddered at the thought. I was sick to my stomach.

I started reading comments on the local news article. People started their mean (But maybe justified in this case?) comments. They said he deserved the death penalty, and it was too bad our state doesn't allow it. They said he was a sicko, a psycho, a loser. I felt conflicted with they were saying. I'm the empathy girl remember? I've been one of the people surrounding a story of a similar nature. I didn't say anything in the end except for to family who shared the post, who were not on a public page. Every time I read a comment. I had a different thought. Every single time those thoughts conflicted with "He's a murderer," or "but he's a murderer." I felt so off kilter. I couldn't believe I could know a murderer.

The article "Terrifying but True: 10 Facts You'll Wish You Didn't Know" on thoughtcatalog.com says "You will walk past 36 murderers in your lifetime." That gives me shivers. That means that in my life at least 1 out of those 36 you will actually know. Though conversely BuzzFeed's article "17 Unsettling Random Facts That’ll Freak You The Fuck Out" says " The average person walks past at least 16 murderers in their lifetime."The source of their fact is a Redditor who did the math on their subreddit the rest of the post says "Some badass on Reddit did the math for someone living in an average-sized city:

10 new people per day x 365 days per year x 71 years of living = about 260,000 separate individuals somebody might walk by; 260,000 people in a lifetime x 6 murderers per 100,000 people = 15.6, or about 16 murderers." According to this article in my life, I know one out of those 16 or 15.6 murderers that I've walked past... that shakes me down to the core. It could be less since I live in a smaller area with a smaller population, but I digress... how many of those murderers you walk by, do you know?

I gathered more information by looking at various articles that mentioned eye witness accounts, and what had been revealed to news outlets from law enforcement. I have been keeping up since with new articles and comments on those articles. What it sounds like is it was premediated. In a Mlive article that was published a couple of days ago it says "[Redacted] told police that he walked into a Meijer with the intent of killing an elderly man and that he“accomplished that goal” by fatally stabbing 85-year-old [Redatcted], according to a probable cause affidavit." There were multiple eye witness accounts that said he "Looked like a man on a mission." I don't remember what article that quote is from or I would say. He stabbed the elder man from the front multiple times. This was a premeditated murder of passion. I gathered it was from the front due to a descriptor being that the scene was "messy." I will let you put together what that means, I don't want to get graphic.

I have to say after realizing it was premeditated, that he had an end goal of killing an elderly man, my fear that it could have been me, melted away. I started thinking over what the causes for this mental break could have been. My theory had been because he is homeless, quit his job, and other various things that he had did it out of desperation to get a roof over his head and food in his belly. I don't know for sure, but I know that it wasn't over a mask. Many of the comments on the articles that have been posted on Facebook people have theorized that it was over a mask. If they keep up with the news and read the articles, they will know otherwise. I want and need to keep up with this because I know him. I haven't commented on any of this, because they people who, have commented on this, are in one of eight camps. Camp 1: He's a murderer - he [Insert a nasty thing here.]. Camp 2: Our county failed him since we are severely lacking mental health services. Camp 3: Trolls that want to stir the crap pot. Camp 4: Conspiracy Theorists. Camp 5: People who don't read the entire article. Camp 6: Those who are concerned for the victims. Camp 7: Those who are thankful for the CPL holder. Camp 8: Those who want to make it political. I am a part of several of those camps. I'm a part of camp 2, four, and six. I'm also a part of one, that I haven't mentioned. Camp: I know him. I'm on the side that would get ridiculed, and I would also get a target painted on my back. I would be accused of being like him, because I was a friend of his. Several people have come forewords saying they worked with him, went to school with him, dated him in the past. The only person who has admitted to knowing him at the time that this happened is my ex-husband.

There are so many comments that I read on these articles that I want to respond to, but I don't. I have settled into the mindset of picking my battles. If I think those people just want to fight, or they won't understand what I have to say, or that they will twist what I have to say I immaturely label them as "Glue lickers" or "Window Lickers." I know that its not the best and I don't say it to them in the comment. I say it to myself and then move on. Sometimes I start to write the comment and stop in the middle. I think about if they would understand, want to twist my words, or start an argument for the sake of argument. I then weigh pros and cons, and if I decided its not worth it I delete it. I did that several times through this whole last week.

I understand where the nasty comments come from. Its a black and white point of view for them. Murder is murder, murder is bad, thus he is bad. Which they have a point, but what if we knew the story around it? Now, these examples are the complete opposite of what happened with the guy I knew:

What if someone killed someone else in self-defense? Would they still be a bad person?

I don't think so. If I was being raped, and I had a way to pull a gun out on my rapist, or stab him and I killed him, I would be justified. Women who are badly abused, they kill in self-defense, and then they're put away when they were just defending their lives.

What about accidental deaths? Like someone was angry and pushed the person, they were arguing with and that person on the way down to the ground hit their head on the corner of a table hard enough to crack the skull, or hit at the temple and they died?

I don't think they're a murderer, especially when its a little kid.

Though, what the guy I knew did... It was premeditated - which means it was planned. It was planned probably down to the very last detail. That makes me shudder. What snapped in his head to make him plan out a murder to the very detail? What happened in his life to make him snap. I talked with someone who pays more attention to the psychology of criminals and murderers. Its a person who is in my life who watches true crime shows as a hobby, so they're not a professional, they just know more than I do. I wanted to put that out there as a disclaimer. They are not a professional profiler. I am not a professional profiler. These are just conclusions that have been came to because of watching true crime tv sAlso to make this disclaimer VERY clear:

Disclaimer. They are not a professional profiler. I am not a professional profiler. These are just conclusions that have been came to because of watching true crime tv shows. These thoughts, thought experiments and theories do not reflect the thoughts or feelings of vocal, its other creators, or anyone involved with this webpage. These are mine, and the person I talked to thoughts.

Now on to the theorizing: The person I talked to read many articles and pulled together significant details and facts:

1. He was wearing a trench coat.
2. He had a concealed weapon (knife).
3. He went and killed someone in the back, middle of the store.
4. He didn't stab anyone or kill anyone on the way to the back of the store.
5. He waited until he found his "target" an "elderly man."
6. He injured the elderly man's wife, but did not kill her.
7. He stabbed him from above in the head.
8. He stabbed him in the face, head and neck.
9. We know it was the face because the crime scene was described as "messy" and (sorry for this word, it is as described) "bloody."
10. He unsuccessfully stashed the knife behind product on the shelf when confronted with a gun.
11. He dropped instantly when the CPL holder told him to.
12. He stayed, and did not try to fight.
13. He quit his job some time before the murder.
14. Lost his home.
15. He had lost a friend.
16. He had been having trouble with his identity.
17. He had been acting stranger than usual.
18. Plenty of those who have said they knew him at some point said he was strange. (This includes me)

There have been new stuff since the facts listed above were figured out on the day after the murder, and since the last time I talked to the person who theorized with me. Though, we are going to use the set of facts above to theorize as my friend and me had.

My theory is this: He had some sort of mental break due to lack of mental health services in my County. He turned to family and friends to get the emotional support he needed. He didn't get the support he needed from them. So much so that one friend didn't understand his identity problem and broke off the friendship. This didn't help his already cracking support of his mental state. He may have been walking around the town to kill time and get what he needed if he still had food stamps at the least. He had probably seen his victim at the store multiple times over the last few months. They may have exchanged words, or the victim may have reminded the murderer of someone who has hurt him in his life. This made him unreasonably angry. His mania didn't help and told him that murdering this man was the right idea. He came to the conclusion that he was going to murder the man, so he started planning. He knew he'd need a long coat to conceal his weapon. A gun would be too loud, and he didn't want to get caught right away, so it would have to be somewhere in the back of the store. He never thought that the CPL holder would be a variable, so he didn't even think about that. He probably had been planning this for months. He quit his job, lost his home, and possibly even cut off relationships so he had "nothing to lose." Then the day came, he wore his trench coat, hid the knife inside the coat, walked through the store, not even paying attention to any one who wasn't an "elderly man," He went to the automotive/sporting goods section. It was probably a section of the store he also knew didn't have a lot of security cameras. He wandered between the two isles until he saw his victim and proceeded to kill him, get caught by the CPL holder, stash the knife behind product on the shelves, and drop to the floor. He then was arrested and arraigned.

I'm not a professional, and I'm just a woman on the internet who happened to know a murderer. That's my theory. Now, turning away from the theory I want to get into what my feelings were, and what they are now. It's been over a week since the murder took place. The further I get from it the more I accept it. I've been writing this article since Monday the 21st. This is a hard article to write. I've had to take breaks in between, and write or finish other articles. It's been a bit of a traumatic experience even though I didn't witness it, I wasn't in the store, I wasn't the victim or the spouse of the intended victim. I knew him before all of this happened. He had been my friend until my ex and I broke up. I hadn't seen him at all or heard much about him until the article came out. The last I knew was that he was strange, a little off, quiet, liked tarot, video games, and was - at the time... harmless... I was so shocked to see that it was him. See the vile look in his eyes. Hear the deadness in his voice during the arraignment video someone had linked on the same scanner page I had learned about the murder on.

He had so much life before. He had enthusiasm. This is the man who encouraged me not to feel bad about not being able to breastfeed my infant son. He was kind to me and me to him. It breaks my heart to see him so broken. A murderer is a murderer - he's a different person now. He's not the man I knew. He is a stranger to me. Though I can't help but have those memories spring to mind. The man I knew, that gave me that encouragement is dead. No, not physically. Mentally and emotionally - he is dead and gone. I admit that subsequent times that I had seen him between 2014 and last year... he was emotionally and mentally fading, like an art piece that had been in the sun too long. He went from vibrant colors to gray. In the picture that was taken, when he was booked... personality wise he was stark black and white, 2D with no dimension. Like a photocopy of the man I knew, his soul gone a walking empty vessel. Its haunting.

People have been saying things about him, like I mentioned before. I want to address some of the really silly ones. There was a person who said he was with the BLM movement: He wasn't, his ultimate goal was to kill an elderly man. It has nothing to do with BLM. There was a person who said it was over masks: We don't know, but knowing it was premeditated, and he said an elderly man and not the victims exact name, I don't think so. This was a murder based on something psychological, not masks. They say that its because he had no job and was homeless that he killed this man to get shelter and food. I had that theory too, but it doesn't fit in well. What I'm 85% sure of is that he did it so he had nothing holding him back. He wanted to make sure he had nothing to lose, so that theory is just silly.

What no one tells you, and what is never illustrated well enough is the conflict you feel inside yourself when you read these comments about the murderer who you knew. When people were making nasty comments about Papa, it was easy to defend. He hadn't hurt anyone but himself, and he was my father. Papa didn't murder anyone. The person who I knew who murdered the elderly man isn't someone I want to be attached to, but at the same time... I need to process what happened and talk about my perspective. I was so conflicted to even write this article. I am not capable of what he was. I can barely kill a bug. The thought of what he did revolts me. It makes me sick to my stomach. I have a very active imagination, just imagining what went down...how much blood there had to be everywhere... Make me ill and shake with so much fright I need to be measured on the Richter scale. There is no way in hell how I can defend what he's done.

It wasn't self-defense. It wasn't accidental. It was premeditated, and passionately on purpose. That much blood means he hit a major artery like the jugular vein. That means he was in front of the man he killed, looking him in the face. He stabbed the man 15 times! 15! Not once, not twice but 15! This combined with the fact that he was facing the victim head on means this was a crime of passion. The murderer didn't know his victim, so he was projecting the face of someone he had animosity towards on the victim. There is no way to defend this. He did this monstrous thing, and now he has to deal with the consequences.

I think I've run out of things to say about this. If any one who knows me personally reads this and has any questions please send me a personal message through what ever social media platform we are both on. Send me a text if you have my phone number. No phone calls please.

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Thank you for reading, and have a nice day.