Drugs, Girls, Crime, Prison, University & Near Deaths (DGCPUND) Part 4

READ PART 1, 2 & 3 BEFORE THIS...

My girlfriend was doing my head in. Constantly accusing me of getting up to no good. She knew I was doing something dodgy and she had turned into inspector gadget. Keeping a track of all my affairs and nagging anytime I went out. I wish she had just left me alone then, a lot of our arguments were really pointless. I had love for her, she played a massive role in my life. I had turned 24 and needed to try and settle down. Fall into a relationship which had a different outcome, less cheating and more commitment. I was mature enough to compromise sexual urges. Besides, times had changed and most of the girls my age were either after luxuries or stability. Something I did not possess and even if I was to cheat I would have had to do a lot of talking and 'getting to know' them. With both of us checking each others phones constantly, cheating would have not been possible, not that I would have anyway. The girls that were tempting would normally be the ones who went to the bars or clubs. When you've had a few drinks down you and your sexually turned on everything becomes perceptive rather than materialistic. It's less about the other persons situation and more about the emotions at that moment. I came close a fair few times but I tried to avoid it as much as possible. My girlfriend would call me frequently anyway, so it would have been hard. Nonetheless, I needed to make enough to focus on my studies. So here I was in a casino in central London. A casino where I had become a regular and most of the staff knew me by my last name. Not so much credible, more embarrassing to be honest. I spent the night playing Blackjack and Roulette. Drinks being handed to me by the casino managers for my 'loyalty', or should I say for me to gamble drunk. It was easier for them to take my money that way. They would then blame the alcohol for the massive loss that I had incurred. I found myself up a couple grand and started betting heavily. I had been in there for over 3 hours and my back was starting to hurt, as it would if you are seated in a stationary position for long periods. I just wanted to make the money and get out. I took a lot of risks and would 'hit' the cards most wouldn't. It was working out for me and I was making a residual income. Unfortunately those places are not designed for residual incomes, things were bound to take a turn for the worse. So when I placed a large bet down and took a nasty loss, my frustration and anger arose, thanks to the alcohol. Not to mention the way in which the dealer magically ended up with 21 when I had a solid 20 on the table. What a fucking joke. This left me in a state of mindless gambling. Putting down a significant amount a time, hoping for unrealistic income. The casino saw this as a window of opportunity, they had waited for this the entire night. Here was their chance to drain me financially. They had caught me in the spider web, and the complimentary drinks were supplying the venom. It did not take long for me to find my pile of chips very low. I had moved from the tables upstairs to the low stake ones downstairs. Here you would catch individuals getting overly excited winning small amounts. Maybe in reality they were the sensible gamblers. Regardless I found them extremely annoying given that I had lost a lot, and seeing them encourage me when I won a small pile. In the end I left that place with absolutely nothing in my pocket. I would then take a long familiar walk down to the bus stop. Wait patiently for my bus to arrive and hop on. Walk to the back and try to fall asleep. The last stop would have been home. I can't count how many times I had made that trip. It really was the walk of shame. University was set to start in a week and I didn't even have enough for travel. How was I suppose to get to campus or my lectures. I know it was my fault, I should have left something behind, but it was not possible given my level of intoxication. Besides, the next morning I would wake up in a state of shock. I barely remembered how I had lost everything. It would all be a blur. My inquisitive girlfriend and mother would be asking questions soon. I needed to make it back as soon as possible.

I turned the two nights a week to three nights, Thursdays added to the work schedule. Central London had become my work place. Me and my boy would meet up in Archway where we would buy a bottle of Vodka. We would then make our way to central on a bus, getting intoxicated on the back of the upper deck. The drink was really a way for me to think less. I wouldn't be able to approach anyone sober as I no longer wanted to be doing that. So I needed a boost to gain energy in order to perform and be able to talk to people. Once again I would take a decent amount at the end of the night, all for it to be flushed down the casinos again. What a boring shitty repetitive cycle. To think people actually enjoyed doing that, I hated it. I had established a few friends who seemed motivated. They too wanted to make enough to get off the grind. They would be hard working, willing to walk around non-stop and were very social. I decided to team up with one of them and discovered new techniques to make money. Ways which would not hurt anyone physically or mentally, but had a decent return for me. The other boy I was working with would pressure the 'customers' a lot. He would find people who needed something, anything. He would then give them Paracetamol and walk to the cash point with them. The guys who were buying seemed like they wanted to help. As if they knew they were being mugged off, but did not care too much. Maybe that was their way of giving back to the community, and where better to start than the roughest environments. End of the day if you want to rise as a community you need to place focus on the areas struggling the most. At times me and my friend would be taking £200 a sale, selling 1 or 2 pills of Paracetamol worth 14p. We would then half it evenly, buy another drink to remain social, and continue walking towards populated areas. We became really social and hard working, we would speak to anyone from any background. Regardless of their beliefs, colour or up bringing. Unfortunately for me the outcome would always be the same. A long depressing walk to the bus stop at the end of the night with literally nothing in my pocket. All my hard earned money wasted again. I just wanted to make enough to stop. I did not enjoy the work and needed an escape. My university had started, a few months had passed and we were in the middle of it all. I was behind on a lot of work, my grades were terrible and I barely went in for group projects. My attendance for the year had been 12% or something. When I did go in, I would get as close as I could with the other team members. I would make them laugh and present myself in an entertaining way. This was in order for them to let me off if I missed one or two meetings. The WhatsApp group would constantly be going off. Notifications on my phone frequently and I would join in when I could. The times I would reply would have been work related and direct. The aim was to demonstrate some level of seriousness when it came to the work, I didn't want to discourage the other guys. So even though it felt as if I was falling off, I wanted to make sure the others weren't. Most of my group projects in university went very well. We achieved extremely high marks, each of us for our own parts. The solo assignments were the ones which effected me the most. I either did not submit or completed them partially. I missed many labs and did not learn well. The labs were a crucial part of the learning process. This was were you could actually experiment with the knowledge you had picked up. You would replace the knowledge for experience. My exams for the second year were really hard. I would spend 2-3 days revising 12 weeks of content. I would then turn up to the exam knowing barely anything. Miraculously I managed to pass half of them. Besides, I was disadvantaged 10-30% for each module having missed coursework. I then would get a second attempt to pass the module. Numerous extenuating circumstances forms were handed in to the university. I needed them to understand my situation and to offer some support. Which they did nearly every time. In the end I failed 2 modules in my second year. You needed 40% for them to keep you on, on average I managed to pull off 41.25%. All of my boys on the roads were shocked. "How the fuck did you keep your place" they would laugh. It really was massive considering how hectic my life was. My girlfriend also had her own share of problems. Law was not an easy module to study. So we would take out our frustration on each other. This led to many arguments and left us mentally drained. So we mutually decided to end the relationship, it was not working out. "You know what Ali if you want to go then just do it" she said after I had raised my concerns. "Yeah exactly...now go away" I replied. She contacted me a few times after that, I ignored the calls. When I did answer she would say "So you definitely serious this time? yeah? ok fuck it then!". I even contacted her a couple times. "Just want to let you know that I've made up my mind, its done" I would say angrily. To be honest we had said our goodbyes already. I guess we didn't really want to break up and would have our moments. Eventually it became official and neither one of us contacted each other. When things are not working out its best you let it go, especially when you have tried everything. It would only cause more heartache and suffering dragging them on. I spent the rest of the summer on the same grind, all with similar outcomes. Make money. Buy drinks. Walk miles. Go to the Casino. Lose everything. Go home. Until one day a new outcome occurred...

The third and final year of university had started. What was I thinking going back in without a break. I had just about squeezed myself in the year before. Not only had the work intensity increased, my mental well being had degraded. Not only had I left my girlfriend, I was starting to lose it all. So when I went back home after a hopeless day on campus I was not expecting to hear such bad news. When I walked in my mother was crying. "What's wrong is everything ok?" I asked her concernedly. "Your friend Nasro, they killed him he is dead" she replied. What? Are you actually serious? They killed Nasro! I couldn't believe it. "Your sister was on the train and saw an article with his picture on it" she continued. I ran to my computer and went on my Facebook account. I had not been using social media due to my hectic life then. I saw many posts with his picture and everyone writing 'RIP' everywhere. Nasro was a unique character. I understood his past life very well. He was such a caring, charming and entertaining person. From young he was bullied by the people around him. They made it very hard for him to rise. I knew him when we were very young, around 13 years old. He wasn't one of my close friends, although we had a patch where we were close, he was someone who stayed around. I saw him like a distant cousin and we would have gotten closer if he didn't switch so many circles. He was an extremely social person, he would give anyone and everyone confidence. He use to listen to American gangster rap music and dreamt of going to Harlem one day. "Your gonna blow Ali S I'm telling you g" he would say constantly. He was 2-3 years younger than me, I guess his life somewhat resembled mine slightly. So I understood his situation. He was a true supporter of my music. At times when I felt down, a little phone call to him and I'd feel optimistic again. Nothing in life phased him and that's why he was loved by many. He found himself in prison for a short while and when he came out he felt like people respected him more. "Bro don't chill with them man there, they don't care about you. Try to go uni if you can" I use to tell him all the time. He would always lie and say he was not chilling with anyone. Others would tell me they had seen him around, so it didn't make sense. I had not seen him 2 years before his death. He would just call me out the blue sometimes and we would speak briefly. His father passed away and he called me one day crying on the phone. He had died from cancer and this effected his mother. His mother had to raise him, his younger brother and sister. This made him feel like it was time to step up and become the man of the house. So he turned money motivated and would stay close to the boys he believed would bring him some income. In the end it did not work out for him, and the circle he had crumbled. Unfortunately having too many friends is not always the best thing. Sometimes it is better to have a small circle of good friends. In reality all you need is yourself and god. Regardless, I hope he is in a better place. Given his situation and environment he remained a lovable character. He was just caught up in the wrong life, he was designed for a better role. He died to a single stab wound in the heart. The boy who got caught for his murder a couple days later, had panicked and reacted unconsciously from my understanding. Barely a killer, more a scared boy with a weapon it would seem. Also given it was all done in broad daylight in an upper class area without any masks or accessories. Besides, Nasro had intimidated them and that caused them to behave irrationally. The charge was dropped from murder to man slaughter. He was sentenced to 10 years and would have had to serve 5 years inside. This really upset Nasro's family members. They could not believe the man responsible for his murder would be out so soon. They felt as if they had not been handed justice. I tried to comfort his mother as much as I could. I visited her along with many others. She would cry a lot and was constantly in deep pain. It was hard to see, and it would really effect me. Many people turned up to his funeral, some who weren't even close to him. I realised then how fake everyone was. People screaming your name and acting like they had a true link with you. In reality no one gave a shit when he was alive, suddenly everyone wanted to pretend like they truly cared about him. They say the best time to give someone flowers is when they are alive. End of the day, his massive circle of friends only benefitted him after his death. Some time passed and I could hardly focus on university. Given everything that had happened. So I decided to take a gap year. I would have had to regardless of Nasro's death. I decided not to contact his mother or go to see them. I noticed his family members were effected when they saw us. Maybe we reminded them of him, given she had seen us with him. So I decided to keep my distance. Besides, I had a life to build and many many issues to face myself. I barely had much time for my own family let alone anyone else's. So the gap year was for sure needed. Nasro's death showed me that life is short, and it cannot be spent on things you don't enjoy. It also made me realise how I had neglected my own family and friends. So I decided to end my weekend tiring grind and search for a full time job, something I had the opportunity to invest into. Since university was off for the year it was possible to find work again. I wanted to work on my music in the memory of Nasro. Something he had always encouraged me to do. So with the help of another one of Nasro's boys I signed up for a music competition. The winner would be invited to Miami for the finals. It was time to take it more seriously.

My true passion from young was on becoming a movie director, story writer or actor. Music was always a platform to enter into that world. A gateway to my true intentions. I feel like the emotions you can project onto someone through a good movie can change their mentality and even beliefs. From my understanding most of the Hollywood movies presented Middle Easterns as either shop keepers, cab drivers or terrorists. What a way to stereotype an entire race. As if we are not worthy of a greater role or worthy of recognition. The media had become a powerful tool, one which was not being used rightfully. Not just for my race but for many races. So my hopes were to enter the big screens, and where better to start than the home of the media, the United States of America. As a British Iranian and not as a dummy or factory representation of what they perceived. End of the day people only know about your race based on what they see or read. In my case not a lot, and the little information they have is not that great or accurate. So here I was signing up for a music competition with intentions of winning and making it to Miami. I had paid the fee to enter and notified a dozen friends. In the end around 30 of us showed up, some of which I hadn't even invited. It was all love nonetheless. The venue was in Hyde Park with around 12 musicians taking part. We would each perform one song and we would then be judged individually by 3 judges. I was up second to last and watched a few of the artists. A couple of them sang what they could, others rapped. I had prepared one of my favourite songs at that time. Most of the guys encouraged me to do that one. I brought through a very diverse mix of boys, from different backgrounds. A few girls made their way too. I had drunk a few beers and felt energetic, so when my name was called to perform I got overly excited. The performance was less practiced and more freestyle. Most of the boys roared as I got on stage, this got me even more hyped up. It took a while for me to find my voice on the speaker. The instrumental was very loud and so I felt like I needed to shout. In the end the energy did it for them. So when they announced I was the winner everyone went ballistic. They all jumped on the stage and the security guards tried to get us down. I said a short speech and spoke to the organiser. He informed me that I would receive my prize through email. I got dropped home that day with one of the girls. She had also come to support. A few days later they sent me my prizes. A few radio spins on their channel, a promo package for the song and an invitation to the final to perform in front of 'A&Rs' from major labels. Could I even get into Miami I thought to myself. Would they even let me in? after some research I understood that it was not possible at that time. Not to mention the excessive cost of flights and accommodation. So I just used the small amount of recognition I had received from the tournament and left it at that. Onto more important things now...university would start soon...I needed to find a job...first things first.

I managed to find a role working from home. Maybe this was for the best given not many people trusted me due to my criminal record, what idiots. So I met up with a man in his mid 40s who wanted to offer me a Customer Service position for his company. My main job would be to organise cleaning for various properties, add guests to the online scheduler and contact property owners if issues occurred. He promised me 40 hours a week and sent a couple of the girls to help me. They did so online and I learnt how to use everything. He would advertise flats and houses on AirBnb or Booking.com and we were in charge of communicating with the guests. Our aim was to make their stay as pleasant as possible. It took a while for me to get the hang of things, so for the first few weeks I worked between 12-16 hours, something I was not too pleased about. I needed money and I would have made that amount possibly in 1 or 2 nights in Central. But this was for sure an easier, more convenient and righteous way to make a few pounds. Not to mention the health benefits of avoiding an excessive amount of alcohol. Eventually I managed to get myself on the timetable with my shifts in place. I remember thinking maybe this job is helpful given I had to work from home and could use the time to focus on my assignments. That was my way of planning ahead for my final year at university. Emails would come in frequently, most of which we had to attend to, some of which were irrelevant. Overall it was a great job and it suited my needs at the time. On one of my many breaks I decided to check my friends stories on Snapchat. I only had a few people on Snap and my browsing wouldn't take long to end. So I decided to explore the discovery section which allows you to add contacts and mutual friends. I added many users without even checking their names. I needed more content to look at in order to remain entertained with the app. A few days later I got a random message from one of the people I had added. It was a girl I did not recognise at first. She asked me who I was and how I had gotten her username. I told her I was adding everyone randomly and did not know her. After an exchange of a few sentences I realised she was my ex's colleague from Harrods. During my hectic life hustling in Central I lost many phones. The phone I was using then was my exs, she must have had a few contacts still saved on it. The girl asked me who my ex was, something I was quite adamant not to tell her. I didn't want to open a can of worms, and should she report back, another unwanted phone call would be made. Besides, I had no intention of speaking to my ex again, I had enough shit going on in life at that time. Eventually the girl pressured me into telling her. So when I did explain who I was, who my ex was and how I had ended up with her number, she understood everything. Her replies became blunt and she spoke to me in a dismissive manner. It made sense given the 'girl code', if that exists? unfortunately the 'girl code' doesn't work when you come across a talkative person. Someone who knows how to keep a conversation flowing. She said that she didn't like me, which came across weird to me. How could someone who has never met me dislike me I thought. She said my ex had told her about me. That all made sense, I understood then. I remembered how my ex would spend a significant amount of her lunch and breaks discussing aspects of our relationship, 'seeking help' as she would say. She was bound to say negative things about me during one of our many break ups. The person I was now speaking to was probably another one of the girls she had bad mouthed me in front of, possibly in a bias manner. So when I asked her to send me a picture of herself, and when she did, I recognised her. My ex use to show me this girl on Instagram. They were fairly close, but would only be seen together at work. From my understanding they weren't really friends and genuinely just work colleagues. Some time passed and we remained in contact. She would send me snaps randomly, she was very attractive. Our conversations gained some depth unintentionally. A few "I don't think this is right" later and we were still going. The messages turned into phone calls. She told me she was from Ecuador, as if she knew I had been into Latina girls in the past. Eventually we found ourselves in meaningful phone calls running into early periods of the morning. She had gained feelings for me and I also felt a little something for her. She was from out of this world. The way she saw the world, the books she read, the way she would think, she was unpredictable. I liked that about her and she would keep me entertained. I ended up liking her aura rather than her looks. Not many girls had made me feel like that in the past. Normally it would be their looks before their personality, but she hit me different. She told me that she had lived in Dubai for a while and that she came from a religious family. They were Catholics and her parents had met in the military. She was a few years older than me. At the time I was 25 and she was 29, something which bothered me slightly. Due to her over protective family, she had a curfew and would need to be home by 11pm everyday. What a joke I thought. A grown woman hitting her 30s and they treated her like a little girl. She explained how she appreciated the middle eastern mentality and lifestyle. Our minds thought alike and it was all sounding too good to be true. That triggered a red flag in my head. Normally when it seems too good to be true it tends to be, but rarely you are enlightened. I presumed this was one of those moments. Due to the length, depth and openness of our discussions, most of which ran into early hours, some love was formed. I decided not to invite her over straight away. I felt like I had found something special and did not want to ruin it. A quick journey to mine and similar outcomes would occur. I wanted to take my time with this one, maybe do it justice. We spoke for a month and a half regularly on the phone. She had even sent me a few explicit pictures. It was clear she wanted some intimacy, so did I, but there were still questions in my head. Everything she had said up till then was perfect, it was too perfect. So when she randomly expressed how she loved me, I had to meet her. I invited her over to my mothers house when no one was home. She lived in South London and I lived in North then. I got her a cab and she made her way to mine.

She was incredibly nervous, me not so much. I guess the emotions she felt made her that way. I mean to say you love someone before meeting them is a big thing. It had happened in the past but I doubt love works like that, surely not. I remember thinking to myself that this could have been the one which led to marriage. I mean she was everything I looked for in a woman, which was kind of scary. I felt like I needed to do something to divert the emotions, as I would have in my teens. But with my mother motivating me to settle down, maybe it was only right. We spoke on the phone throughout her journey in the cab, but when she got close to mine she hung up. I think she was getting really apprehensive as she got closer. Besides, a few days before she made her way she wrote a poem on Instagram about me being 'the one'. Kind of creepy if you ask me...but I had feelings for her too...so I let that one slide. When she arrived and after I paid the cab driver I gave her a hug. I escorted her to the house and we sat on the couch. I could tell she wasn't comfortable so I gave her some space. Instead I remained humorous for a while and got her a glass of water. It didn't take long for her to feel at home. We didn't have sex on the first time, it was very strange for me. That normally never happens. Maybe I had grown up and finally found something suitable. Maybe because she was on her period, yes that was it. We just spoke for some time, watched a movie and chilled out. I then got her a cab back home as we talked on the phone. The next couple weeks were just getting to know each other from a distance. She would constantly send me snaps and I would reply when I could. My hours for the new job were reduced in order to give the other employees some shifts, so I decided to search for another job. With my new 'girlfriend' recommending that we both attend a sexual health clinic before anything sexual, I Googled a a clinic nearby. I made my way to Paddington for a check up knowing damn well I was clean. I had never had an STD before, it was pointless but its best to be safe than sorry. After the check up I walked down to a local supermarket, Budgets, to buy a pack of cigarettes. The price of the one pack was excessive. "Boss what the hell? this is like £3 more than anywhere else" I told him. "This is Paddington, price change here because shop is expensive keeping here" he replied with his use of broken English. We talked briefly about the area as he gave me my change. It appeared that it was short. "Bro you gave me a couple pounds less" I informed him. He then apologised and corrected the amount, as if he was fully aware, cheeky bastard. As I stepped out I noticed a sign on one of the windows. 'Staff wanted apply within'. So I decided to ask him about the vacancy. He gave me an email address and told me to send him my CV. When I got home I did just that. He called me the next day and invited me in. What a way to find a job. I would spend weeks applying everywhere but when I was not searching for one it would appear it front of me. I went there the next day and he had already written my shifts on the timetable. Wow...how quick was that? this guy must really be fond of me. "Just come when you can on time...its important on time is the best for the place. Just come with uniform...I will give you uniform" he said dominantly. He told me he was the manager and that the shop was set to get really busy. He then informed me of the pay structure and any overtime. There were another 5 employees working in the small supermarket, I spoke to them as they made their way in. They all seemed sociable and easy going. "Sometimes you know drunk man coming causing problems, you say you done security before?" he asked hesitantly. I nodded as he went on to explain the procedure on how to deal with them. My first shift was set to start in a couple days, what a great way to find a job. I told my new girlfriend about it and she seemed happy for me. We were yet to see each other a second time and she suggested that we book an apartment, her treat. I was adamant to let her pay but she insisted. I guess this would have been the first time we done it. I was looking forward to it, hell...it had been a month and a half we had been talking on the phone. This was starting to turn into a long distant relationship. She said she wouldn't be able to spend the night there as her parents had set a curfew, but we could just chill and eat some food. Luckily I did not have a shift that day and so I made my way to Vauxhall. I went and bought both of us Nandos. She was late and so I waited at the reception as we spoke on the phone. "Where are you? na your taking the piss. You were suppose to be here 30 mins ago!" I told her agitatedly. "I'm coming I'm coming baby" she replied. Baby? isn't it too soon for all of that? who cares I'm about to get some I thought. She finally came and we hugged as we walked to the reception area. She collected the keys and we made our way upstairs. The apartment was nice, really spacious overlooking a newly built site from all of the rooms. The city appeared beautiful. We warmed up the food in the microwave and started eating. "You didn't need to book this place you know" I said. "No! I wanted too...it's going to be our first time" she replied. I wish we left something to the imagination, knowing we were both about to do it wasn't so romantic. It would have been more natural just watching some TV and letting it happen freely. Nonetheless we ate what we could and made our way to the couch. The TV wasn't working for some reason, me trying to act like I knew what I was doing, "No its probably the Freeview box...I'll fix it". Somehow I managed to get it to work, a huge relief. That would have been embarrassing given I was studying 'Computer Science' and should really be familiar with various technologies. We watched some silly program and started kissing. She then said that she wanted to give me a back massage, so I acted like I was in 'pain'. "Yeah babe...its the shoulder area...ahh yeah maybe...we should go to the other room" I said humorously. She then smiled and we went to the other bedroom. She had brought some oils with her, fuck this girl was prepared. She gave me a massaged for a short while, I was starting to get turned on, so I suggested we switched over. "Your so tense b, let me give you a massage now" I said curiously. She knew where I was going with this. Eventually one thing led to another and we were deep in the middle of it. After that she ran us a hot bath...a little too hot...and told me that she wanted us to both get in together. "Erm...yeah maybe you should go yourself babe" I said unromantically. I wasn't really into all that stuff. "No we are both going in" she said enthusiastically. Ok why not? so here I was sitting very uncomfortably in a bath tub with her on the other end gazing into my eyes. Hmm...felt too romantic I did not feel relaxed. Besides, the sex wasn't the best, given the level of connection I believed I had with her. The connection in the bedroom was weird, it felt unnatural. She came across too experienced and comfortable as if she had done this before, as in entertained others. Something she had always told me she was inexperienced about. She would say how she only had 3 boyfriends in the past. It did not feel like that. Who is this girl? is she even the real thing? like is she lying to me about who she really is? So after going another round in another bedroom, this time much better, and spending the next 30 mins lying down and gazing at the sunset, we made our way downstairs. She handed the key back to the receptionist who smiled as if he knew what we had been up to. We then made our way to the train station. Her mother called asking where she was and with whom she was. Randomly she passed me the phone, something I was not too happy about. This was our second meeting, speaking to the girls parents already...that's all mad. "Hello, I just want to say not to worry your daughter is in safe hands. I am a great guy and looking forward to meet you soon. I am dropping her to the train station now...she will be home and safe with you soon" I told her mother confidently. She did not seem too impressed and told me to pass the phone back to her. I remained as polite as I could and said goodbye. She then spoke to her in Spanish, most of which I didn't understand. "It's ok mum, I'll be home soon" she said as she hung up. I asked her why her mother was on her case so much, to which she replied that they were very protective. I told her that she was hitting 30 and that she needed to stand her ground a bit. It was time to grow up and that eventually I would want to spend an entire night with her. We kissed and she left, I made my way back home too. She then called me when she got home and we continued to speak throughout the night. I was gaining feelings for this girl now, was I turning soft? or was it the right time to settle down?

A few days later and I could not get over her level of comfortability and experience. Don't ask....don't ask I told myself. I had to ask, I just wanted to know. So on one of our phone conversations I decided to ask her about how many sexual partners she had in the past. She did not seem too comfortable and did not want to tell me at first. "Those things are irrelevant and you shouldn't ask a girl that...the past is the past" she said somewhat angrily. I could tell this had upset her a little but I wanted to know. This girl was claiming to be everything I had ever looked for in a woman. I was gaining unusual feelings as if there was no one on earth better suited for me. She definitely was playing all the cards right. Knowledge she had picked up from my ex about me. At the time I did not think that but understood as time went by. She had learned about me in detail and knew what I was exactly looking for. It's funny because she would be one of the girls telling my ex to avoid me, that I was not 'worthy' of her. Now here she was playing the perfect role and me feeling emotions I had never felt. Girls sometimes divert other girls from a man and end up with that same man themselves. I just don't understand that. Besides, I normally would never ask these questions, but I felt like she was playing a game. Everything was too perfect and she would constantly play an 'angelic' role. Something did not feel right. "No...just tell me its not a big deal. Look what is important for me is your honesty. I couldn't care less about the number. This question shows how honest a girl can be. If she lies then she can lie about anything. If she tells the truth then it would show that she is honest. Even if you say 100 as long as each and everyone of them meant something to you I'd be ok with that. Remember an honest person is a good person" I said affirmatively. She could tell I wasn't letting it go so eventually she told me. "Ok fine...I have only had sex with 3 guys ok? happy?" she replied. Is that it? so why would she be so hesitant to tell me that? that is far lower than I expected to hear, given she was 29 and really attractive. She then decided to ask me to which I told her the truth. We spoke about silly things, me making her laugh and her being as exciting as ever. But then suddenly it hit me. My ex use to speak to me about her. She use to say how she was dating this guy at work and how they were in a deep relationship. She use to say how she would outline the love she had for him in front of everyone, and how she had spent a few nights at his. So I asked her to tell me the names of the '3' guys, and when she did I felt like I could not trust her. "Swear to god that you are telling the truth" I asked. "I swear baby, now can you let it go?" she replied somewhat frustrated. I told her how I knew she had an ex she had not told me about. She did not know how to respond at first, but eventually said "ok...ok...4 I promise but no more than that". I felt then that she was playing a game. I could not trust her and I felt unsafe. Why would she lie? and when she went on to say that she had forgotten about that one, it made it even worse. How could anyone forget the names of 4 people? it did not make sense. That made me feel like she had been with much more. Not that the number mattered. Hell...I had dated a girl in the past who told me she had been with over 30 men, but she came across more 'wife' material than some virgins even. What bothered me was the lying, and that raised red flags. I told her that I could not trust her, and that it was best to leave everything here. "No way! you can't do this. Baby please I forgot I'm sorry" she said as if she was in pain. I couldn't trust her, and it did not feel right. What is a relationship without trust? worthless. Besides, it all felt too good to be true, too staged. She came across like an actress and less natural. I hung up the phone and she called me back several times. "I don't trust you b, I just asked for honesty. I don't care about the number" I told her. Eventually she found a way back in and we continued speaking, only more cautiously. What else has this girl lied to me about? from my understanding when you really like someone, and want to start something serious, you need to discuss your past. Not because of judgement or to turn things sour, but to feel like you have walked their past with them slightly. This naturally brings 2 people closer together. If you don't really care much about someone then you shouldn't ask. End of the day, if you are going to buy a car you'd want to know who the previous drivers were right? maybe that way you can understand how you both ended up here. Maybe that way you can understand how the others treated her and why she is how she is. To be honest, sometimes it is best not to ask. That was one of my flaws then, asking questions which did not need answers. Our relationship sort of went downhill from there. It is not that I had expected her to be a virgin, it was the lying which bothered me. I felt like she may have lied about other aspects of her life. She was really talented, I had never met a girl like her before. She knew exactly how to make things right, her personality did most of the work, her looks complimented her efforts. I had gained feelings for her, maybe equally now. Surely the trust will rebuild and after confirming the 'final' number with her on several other occasions I decided to let it go. We continued our relationship perfectly. At times we would have our patches but since I felt like I couldn't trust her my heart felt uneasy. I wanted to use an old school method to divert some emotions, to feel less. So on one of my night shifts working in the supermarket with my colleague a girl and a guy entered the shop. The girl picked up a pack of crisps, opened it and started munching away. "Erm...sorry you need to pay for those, can I scan it first?" I asked uncomfortably. She didn't reply instead just looked at me, somewhat mischievously. "Aha...don't worry bro I'll pay for it and these two" the man with her replied. He placed 2 drinks down and paid for them all including the pack of crisps. The girl was just looking at me non-stop, what a weirdo I thought. She looked like she was drunk. After they left the shop my colleague asked me if I noticed that, to which I replied "yes...fucking weird". Some time passed and I went out to call my girl. Things had turned bad as I did not have trust. She would be as nurturing as possible, constantly reassuring me that she was not playing games that she loved me. I knew she did, I just did not trust her and I was feeling emotions I was unfamiliar to. So when I got off the phone I saw the man who had entered the shop with the girl. She was not with him, he was alone. He approached me and asked for a cigarette. "Bro can I ask you a question" he said taking the lighter from me. I nodded, "what do you think of the girl you saw me with? she was nice right?" he asked whilst sparking the fag. "Yeah she was why?" I responded. "I was wondering if you'd feel ok having a threesome with me and her" he said with a semi-smile on his face. What is this guy on about? I had never been asked something so weird in my life. "What do you mean?" I asked him somewhat confused. "She liked you and we are in an open relationship. So what do you think?" he asked again. It took me a little while to respond. It felt extremely unnatural. What kind of fetishes did these two have? and what sort of way is this to find someone, a stranger off the street. "She liked me?" I asked still confused. He nodded and told me if I would be ok with it. Eventually I agreed and told him I would meet him back here in 30 minutes. I felt really nervous, I had never done something like that in the past. A stranger randomly coming up to me asking me this type of shit. This sort of stuff you see online in videos, not in real life. So when I got to the shop and told my boy what I had just been offered, he got super excited. Told me to go and that he would watch the shop. Even asked if he could come too, doubt that would have been the case. I was still unsure, so I spent a few minutes downstairs in the stock room thinking about it. I needed a way to reduce the emotions I had for my girlfriend, given the lack of trust. Maybe this would benefit me I thought. I decided to go after collecting the safest condoms from the shelf. I was really unsure. I guess a part of me felt guilty, another part of me felt dirty, another part of me felt turned on and part of me wanted to reduce emotions for my girl. So when I met the guy back in the same spot, he seemed happy as if he had found someone. On the way up to the room he said that she was 'pretending to be asleep' and that she was shy. When we got in she was on the bed and he told her how he had brought one of his friends. "Babe my friend is here now ok?" he said excitedly. I didn't know where to stand. She seemed too eager and it all went off. He watched most of it as I done the favour. In the end it was all crazy and I left there feeling rather disgusted with myself. I had cheated on a girl I had emotions for, but I felt like the love had gone down. I wouldn't have done it if I had trust in her. She was perfect for me, but she fucked it up I thought. Now I was equally in the wrong, if not worse. When I spoke to her on the phone next, she was loving as always. That made me feel really bad, and if anything my love for her grew even more. Why did I do that? I needed to fix up. The act had severe consequences and made me rather confused. It made me feel like the shit partner rather than her. Back in my younger days cheating was common to reduce feelings for a girl. But I was much more mature now, and it did not feel right. That was the day I realised than I was ready for something serious, but was she right for me? It did not feel like it. Maybe I was ready to settle down, with the right girl. So I decided to break up with her several times, she just wouldn't go. I felt guilty and so the lack of trust in her I had didn't make sense. I was the one who should've not been trusted now, so that pushed us along. I invited her to come to my house and stay the night. "Yes stay the night baby, don't worry your family will eventually understand" I said positively. She did not seem sure and was worried. Eventually she agreed and she made her way to mine.

She told me that her parents had never accepted a boy in her life before. The 2-3 she had introduced were rejected or considered 'not up to standards'. I mean the brief phone conversation I had with her mother showed me what I had gotten myself into. I could tell they were not going to make it easy for us. She said she would attend church with them every other Sunday. She prayed a lot and posted many quotes about god, I really liked that about her. She had read the bible and even though I saw myself as a Muslim, it was nice to see two people with different religious beliefs establish a bond. So when she made her way to mine that day, we knew we would be taking a massive risk. I mean she wasn't a virgin, or super religious, also she was nearly 30 years old. Hell...my mother had flown me and my sister to an entire different country around that age. It was time for her to stand her ground a bit and form rational decisions for herself. The interference in her life was making her drift away from her family members. She only needed some sound guidance and less control it appeared. End of the day we had the best of intentions and genuinely wanted something serious to come out of this relationship. Ideally it would have been best if we were both virgins, getting married rightfully with consent, but we were not living in an ideal world. We had both made mistakes due to our up bringing and wanted to try our best to head in the right direction, with whatever tactics were available. I just wanted to get to know her better and needed to spend some quality time indoors. The 4-5 hour link ups every 2 weeks was not really helping us progress or improve our trust in one another. We watched a movie, ate some good food and chilled out. She kept looking at her phone expecting phone calls. "Why are you so worried?" I asked her. "No...its ok just making sure they are not going to call" she would say. It was really annoying and left us both feeling uneasy. I asked her if she had told her parents she was coming to see me, to which she said she had. Good...lying is not the way to go forward...definitely not. Eventually the time hit around 10pm and she told them that she wanted to stay the night at mine, in a family house not a bachelor pad. Her mother was shouting on the phone, I could hear her. "Look mum I need to be a grown woman now...can you please stop this?!?" she said affirmatively. She then hung up the phone. I told her not to do that and to be loving as always but stand firm. Also to let them know that we had the best intentions and that she was in a family home. Numerous phone calls later and she would answer, say one or two words and then hang up. That night we both slept very uncomfortably. So much for spending a night together, to be honest it would have been better if she went home. The morning when we woke up she switched her phone on to many many notifications. I could tell she was distressed and so was I. I told her to call me when she got home and if anything happened. We spoke to each other on the phone as she made her way back. "Baby I am scared...I don't know what they are going to say or do" she said extremely apprehensively. "Don't worry just call me if anything happens, remember be loving, understanding and speak to them like an adult and not a little girl" I replied firmly. When she did get home her phone was switched off. I waited for her call but she did not call me the entire night. I was really worried and kept trying to reach her every 30 minutes or so. What had they done to her? I didn't even know where she lived, only the area. There was not much I could do in that situation, so I just waited. The night dragged and I only managed to get a few hours sleep. What if they had hurt her physically, I did not want that on my conscience. It was me who had encouraged her to behave like an adult. Around 11am the next day she called me. "What happened? are you ok? why was your phone off" I asked her concernedly. "My dad was so close to hitting me. They said I had gone off the rails and they took my phone. I managed to find it and call you baby. I can't do this for much longer" she replied in tears. I then told her to pack a small bag and come and stay at mine. I barely had much space, a small room but it would have been enough for us to build. She was adamant about coming at first but gradually she accepted the offer. She made her way to mine with some of her personals. That evening her parents called and she told them that she was no longer a little girl and that she had come over to mine, to stay with me. Her parents rejected the idea and kept pressuring her to come back home straight away. I told her to speak to them in a more friendly manner, they were shouting a lot. She switched her phone off and we resumed the rest of the evening. We joked, watched films, entertained ourselves and even went for a walk. She spoke to my mother and that made her feel at ease. The next day we both went to work together around the same time. She would call me during her breaks telling me that her parents had called again. I told her to answer the phone and speak to them each time, reassure them. Eventually we both felt more relaxed and the phone calls reduced. On the fourth night as we walked around my house I told her to call her family. She spoke to her mother who had quietened down now. She would still ask her to come back home but in a less aggressive manner. Her dad picked up the phone and they spoke briefly. She then passed me the phone and I spoke to the father. "Hello sir, I just wanted to say that I didn't mean to cause you guys grief. Just want to let you know that she is staying in our family home with my mother. It is all with good intentions and I want to see you guys gradually" I said reassuringly. He invited me to their house in a weeks time. I was set to meet her family for the first time, given they had rejected any man that had entered her life I was not sure how they would perceive me. I had done sales before, surely I could get them to like me I thought. So the day came and me and her made our way to South London to meet her over protective parents. We even bought some flowers and a box of chocolate. What the hell was I doing? this was all so unlike me.

Her parents lived in a council flat, very much middle class. She was very nervous, we spent around 2 hours getting ready. They had made us feel under scrutiny. I remember running through the 5 steps in sales. Introduction, presentation, short story, close and rehash. That should surely work. When we arrived she pressed the buzzer and asked her mother to let us in. We then made our way upstairs and was greeted by her two dogs. They were jumping all over us, getting hair all over me. I saw her mother who said hello, trying her best to smile. Her father hugged her as tears came down his eyes. He had clearly missed her. It was a little too dramatic, I didn't know how to react. I mean she had only gone for less than 2 weeks. I stood behind them waiting for them to end their little moment. With what felt like a lifetime, they let go off each other and he walked up to me. "Hello Ali, it is very good to meet you" he said as he put out a hand. I shook it and we walked into the living room. The mother was bringing us something from the kitchen, I sat with the dogs on the couch. I beg you stop jumping on me, my entire jeans was covered in hair. Eventually her father walked in and took a very uncomfortable seat. He tried to start chitchat and we spoke about the weather and the area. Thankfully my girlfriend came shortly after and sat next to me. Her mother had brought us tea and some biscuits. We spoke about random things, mainly me giving them more information about Iranians. Once I had reassured them I was not a terrorist, and that I was studying Computer Science in a great university, they seemed more relaxed. The conversation started flowing and her parents started serving up food. I helped the father in the kitchen, trying my best to be myself. We had passed the formal stage and were speaking in a more natural manner. We sat around the table as we ate. One of them said a little prayer, trying to blend it somewhat into Islamic. I knew what he was trying to do and could see that my religion was a slight issue for them. I just acted like I didn't understand much and just said "amen" at the end. We ate some weird fish soup thing with bread. I joked around a lot and could tell they were starting to like me. After the meal we all watched some TV as they asked me questions. The father explained how he was a prison officer. He went into details about the role. Her mother was far more inquisitive. A few hours passed and they were still going. I kept yawing to show my exhaustion but they kept on going. It was around 4am and we had talked non stop for hours. It was mainly me just making them laugh and 'highlighting' the most legal aspects of my current and past life. So when the mother decided to turn on the kettle for the 5th time I literally had enough. I managed to get my girl in a quiet corner. "How long left b? are they not tired?" I asked exhaustedly. She laughed and said she will hint something to them. So she made her way to the kitchen to speak to her mother. I entered the living room and entertained the father a little more. My girlfriend asked me if I wanted to walk the dogs, something I simply could not refuse. I really needed some air, I felt like I had left an interrogation room. When we got outside I took a deep breath and felt like I had been released from prison again. "You see your father is a prison officer babe, does he ever lock the house doors by accident?" I asked her humorously. She laughed as we walked in front of her house letting the poor dogs release their bladders. The mother appeared from the balcony a short while after, waving and speaking to her in Spanish. I waved back thinking to myself don't these people ever sleep. Surely they have work in the morning? for god sake. When we went back in they were pumping an air bed for me in the living room. Wait a minute, surely they are not going to get me to sleep on that thing. I could see the father was struggling pumping so I helped him. We both laughed as we managed to fill the thing up with air after great difficulty. "Ok Ali, you will sleep here...you need something huh?" he asked as he pointed to the bed. "No it should be ok. Are you sure this is safe yeah? I'm not going to fly away?" I asked with a smile on my face. He laughed and said goodnight. They closed the door and when my girlfriend came in, she gave me a kiss and wished me goodnight. "Wait where you going? what is this about?" I asked her helplessly. She was to sleep in her own bed and said its only for the night. What a joke...surely they know we share a bed at home right? this is all silly. I was left with the dogs in the living room, both of which were overly excited to have another member joining them. "Oi get off, go over there...move!" I shouted as one of them kept trying to jump on the bed. I spent some time messaging her on WhatsApp and finally dosed off. In the morning the mother had prepared us breakfast. I saw her younger brother too and we spoke about computer games. Finally some normal human questions for once. The mother was set to start work soon and her brother was heading to uni. Thankfully they did not ask deep questions this time and left hurriedly. I spent the entire day with her alone in her family home. It was a very entertaining day and I could tell her love for me had grown a lot. Me not so much, I mean if this was the case any time we had to visit, I wouldn't last more than 2 months. We left just before her parents came back. I think they had finally given us consent it appeared.

Some time had passed and we were both still going strong. We did everything together. We signed up to a gym locally and would attend every other day. She would call me during her breaks and message me frequently throughout the day. Sometimes after work we would meet up at Bank station and make our way home together. Our bond was very strong. I was no longer working from home, I had found a job in London Bridge working as a sales representative for London Thombs. This was a scare attraction right opposite the underground station. Tourists would bring their families for an hour or two of fun and entertainment. They positioned us in different locations around the venue. Our aim was to get as many people in as possible. Originally when I signed up for the role I thought I would be part of the scare team. I thought I would be scaring people from the inside rather than standing outside selling tickets. I understood that it was still possible to work your way in. We wore some ridiculous outfits and painted our faces with fake blood. We would approach anyone that had the slightest interest in the place. I needed a job in order to save up for a life with her. My aim was to save enough for the future whilst completing my uni. Her parents would pressure us to get married all the time. "To be honest sir, I don't want to buy her a ring yet. I prefer buying a PlayStation at the moment" I would say anytime they intervened. They found me humorous, which was a massive positive. This allowed me to say what I felt at ease, as long as I blended it with humour. I was still not sure about her. There were some issues and doubts in my head. Our trust had grown slightly but she was 'too perfect' and it did not make sense. I always felt like she was hiding things from me about her past. When we were together things would be amazing. When we were apart our insecurities would show. I would notice changes in her behaviour at work. Her tone of voice and level of affection would reduce, something I really disliked. That counteracted with my lack of trust in her. A lot of our arguments would come from this. My lack of trust in her and her attitude when we were apart. The more her parents pressured us the more paranoid and doubtful I became. It had only been a few months, marriage was not on my mind. She was also super excited about the idea of us getting married. "Baby let's just buy each other a ring and get engaged at least. That way they would quieten down" she would say anytime I declined their offer. No! I don't want to, I want to buy a PlayStation. I was not sure, I was not comfortable. Unfortunately neither one of them were going to let it go. So when they invited me over again to meet her cousins, I knew what their plans were. I remained as entertaining as always, making them laugh and feel relaxed. The father had become really fond of me and even said I see you like a son. It was all getting too much too quickly. I mean to be honest we should have never moved in together that early. We only had to in order to make the relationship work, due to their constant interference in our affairs. I even met her auntie who seemed far more understanding. I liked her and would have preferred her parents to think and behave in that manner. She was more grounded and caring. She knew about the difficulties we faced and would always be willing to show us moral support. It was the early stages of 'love' and it should have not been rushed. The steps we took to get here were all wrong, but we had managed to create something out of them, something positive. On one of our gym sessions together she told me that she was not feeling well. We ended training early and made our way home. I grabbed her hot water bottle as she tried to sleep with some difficulty. The next day she felt slightly better but when she came home that night similar symptoms occurred. "Oh my god...what if your pregnant?" I asked her anxiously. She looked less nervous than me, instead appeared really confused. We made our way in a cab to the local super market where we bought 3-4 different pregnancy tests. I really hope she is not pregnant I thought to myself. I did not have full trust in her and had not made up my mind about marriage. Not to mention my unpredictable future and me being deep in the middle of my studies, most of which were not going well. The results from the tests were not clear. On a couple of them it indicated that she was pregnant, on the other two that she wasn't. "What the hell? no look...the two blue lines show your pregnant, but why is this one faded? does that mean you are?" I asked in confusion. "No...this one doesn't have two blue lines. This one is not a line? is it a line? do they consider that a line?" she asked in uncertainty. Who the fuck knows...who makes these tests anyway? What a waste of money, now we are back to square one, still not sure of anything. "Maybe its early stages and it doesn't show, how long ago did you have your last period" I asked apprehensively. She informed me that it had been more than a month but that her periods were irregular anyway. We waited a few days before buying another 2 tests, different brands. This time both tests showed the blue lines very clearly. She was pregnant. I went through a wave of emotions. One minute I would be excited thinking of baby names, the next hoping the tests were wrong. I did not trust her and she knew. If she was to be pregnant then we would have had to make it work, regardless of any issues we faced. "I can't tell my parents baby, but if I am pregnant then we need to get married" she said affirmatively. What the fuck? I thought you were on the injection? what a joke, but you can't argue with gods timing. The next week was the hardest. I felt like I needed to gain trust in her as soon as possible in order to work our way towards marriage. This made me outline all the flaws in the relationship in a short space. I told her that I didn't like the shift of personalities when we were away. That I wanted to ask her more questions about her past, that I wanted to investigate. This was all in order to gain trust in her as soon as possible just in case she really was pregnant. Not that I was perfect or too good for her, I had my own share of problems and mistakes from the past. She just had learnt too much about me before we met and would play the 'perfect' girl role. This would trigger flags in my head, at times her true personality would show. I wish she stopped behaving so 'angelic' I would have accepted her for all her flaws and mistakes. She would constantly say silly things which did not make sense. How she did not find any other man on earth attractive. How she hated getting attention from anyone. How she had never felt anything proper sexual with anyone before me. This was all ridiculous and counteracted with the normal human characteristics. It felt like she was playing a game for her own selfish benefits. She was hitting 30 and wanted to get married, it appeared as if she had found a mule, that mule being me. I kept telling her to just be herself. I only wanted to dig further in order to find out who she really was. I was not looking for perfect, I wanted real. So my paranoia kicked in and I started suffering from anxiety. The feeling of being trapped in a relationship I was uncertain about and pressured into taking it further unnaturally. I would feel chest pains, get lost in deep thoughts about both of our current situations, and now a baby in the mix? it was scary. This led to many arguments, really uncomfortable ones. It also took us back to stage one of the relationship, asking silly questions about previous partners. I understood that one of the main reasons why she was like that was because of her up bringing. Not being able to be herself and express her true feelings to her over protective parents. She had now carried those traits into our relationship. I had turned into a nervous wreck. Maybe we needed to spend some time apart. Her parents informed her that she couldn't come back home, and if she was to come back I needed to accompany her. She had no where else to go. So we were stuck under the same roof in difficult times. The only thing that pushed us along was the thought of having a baby together.

Our connection was one of a kind. Anytime we went out or seen amongst a crowd others would notice us. You could tell they wondered how we had gotten so close, almost as if they were envious of our bond. Little did they know we had our own share of problems. Nonetheless I would still head for 'Love' than ever find myself content with a basic relationship. What me and her had was uplifting, energetic, amazing, and would have lasted for life if she had just been herself. We sent my mother on a trip to Morocco for the week. This was her idea of giving something back for letting her stay with us rent free. We chipped in when we could with the weekly shopping and bills, but my mother was adamant not to accept rent from her. Iranians being as hospitable as always, one amazing trait about them. So when I decided to tell my mother that she was pregnant, the news really upset her. "You can't have a baby now, you still have to finish your uni. You don't have a place to stay and you two can't go 2 days without having an argument" she said disappointedly. We both hoped she would have been more supportive, but she was right. I did not believe in abortion. If she was to be pregnant then we would have had to make it work. "We are not even sure mum. The test says yes but its early days" I told her. So when we went and purchased one final test, and when the result showed positive again, we became certain. She went and bought some pregnancy shoes, it was hilarious. "It's early days relax...aha you don't need to buy those yet" I told her laughing out loud. She seemed very prepared for this baby, I found it somewhat admirable. She became more loving, and I became more caring. I behaved in a way I had never done towards a girl. It was so unlike me, maybe I had grown up mentally. We still had our patches were we would clash, but the thought of having a baby restored the relationship. This kept us going and I had told a few of my work colleagues she was pregnant. They appeared happy for me. I even tried to quit work to search for something better, but they offered me a pay rise. Not much, just a couple £s more an hour. Everything was going well for a couple weeks, and my mother was starting to accept the situation. Until I received a call one day whilst at work. "Baby I feel so ill honestly, I went to the toilet and oh my god. I need to go to the hospital" she said nervously. I told her to meet me at London Bridge and notified my supervisor. She met up with me and we both made our way there. It turned out she had experienced a miscarriage, and although it was still in the very early stages, this really upset both of us. The nurse from the hospital was extremely supportive, that really helped. I guess it wasn't meant to be, and although it may have turned out for the best, we both couldn't help but feel down. Given she was only a month and a half pregnant, we got over it rather quickly. No point crying over spilt milk, you have to continue in life. Maybe this was a sign from god, that we were not for each other. If she was to have this baby, then the road would have been set for us. Should she had been further along in the pregnancy it would have been a lot harder to deal with. More heartache and far more dramatic. We could not question the timing, maybe it was for the best. A few weeks passed and once we had both gotten over the miscarriage, it was time to have a serious conversation. A talk about where we were heading, and what the future held. Since there was no baby in the mix anymore, we needed to find some trust in order to progress. So I decided to delve into her previous partners again. I wanted to know what had made her behave like that, constantly pulling this 'angelic' role with me. "Are you sure you have only had 4 sexual partners before?" I asked again suspiciously. "Yes baby I already told you. I know you want to hear this again to feel like you can trust me so it's ok" she responded calmly. I told her to stop lying and to be truthful. She would act in shock and would keep repeating the same number. I kept asking her for the names of the 4 guys, she would respond with the same names she had given before. I continued to pressure her again and again and again. I got her to swear on her parents life, on the Bible, on god something we both believed in. I wanted to end all of our doubts completely in order to move passed it. She swore on everything, that she had told me the truth. Coming from a somewhat religious and god conscious person I expected honesty. I started looking through unnecessary and uncomfortable previous phone conversations with other 'boys', boys she use to speak to. The way in which she interacted with them did not appear as if she had only had 4 partners. I did not care about it, I just wanted her to be herself. To stop playing games so that I could gain trust in her. I went through a mental battle in which my brain was telling me she was lying, but my heart was telling me to believe her. So I finally accepted her '4' partners, instead decided to question her about some of her morals. She had said how she hated getting attention from boys. That was weird, everyone likes receiving some acknowledgement from the opposite sex once in a while. You don't have to act on the attention, but it is normal. So I told her that if she really hated getting attention maybe she shouldn't dress too provocatively. If that really was the case as she would constantly insist, maybe she should wear more looser clothing. Not what I preferred but something which would help her get 'less attention', clearly she didn't want it...hmm. She had also said how she could not find any other man physically attractive. Those things would not make sense to me. I found other girls attractive, it was normal, but I was with her so I wouldn't see it more than surface like. I was perfectly content with my girl emotionally, I did not need anything from others. She would be adamant to stick to her philosophies, and even went out and bought looser trousers for work. I could tell she didn't like wearing them, but she did not want to appear as if she was lying, comical. What is wrong with this girl? why can't she just be herself. After she had denied everything, and went out her way to remain with her original answers, nothing was adding up in my head. She is for sure hiding things from me. I don't have trust in her. She won't leave when we break up. I was being pressured to marry her. It was all really draining mentally. So one day when I went back to that stupid fucking number 4, and asked her to name the guys again, something very very strange occurred. She named the guys but one of the names changed. She then tried to cover it up and act like she had said one of the names wrong. I went absolutely crazy. I was in love with a girl I did not trust, a girl who would not leave me alone, a girl who constantly asked me why I did not want to marry her. A girl who simply could not tell me the truth and had sworn on everything she believed in and still lied. I just wanted her out of the house as soon as possible. I just could not cope. "Pack your bags and get the fuck out!" I shouted as I walked to the end of the room.

I knew it was a problem falling into a deep relationship without financial stability. I remember telling myself then that until I have found some ground, I would not fall into another relationship. It is more important to focus on yourself and your situation before anything else. Should we have been in a better environment maybe it would have worked out. Maybe if we weren't pressured into forming harsh decisions, maybe we could have taken time to build properly. Nonetheless those were the cards we were dealt. She was not leaving once again. "Get out! I don't want to be with you. Your driving me crazy...fuck off!" I shouted aggressively. I literally could not cope with her and her craziness. So when she lied again after swearing on everything she had ever believed in, I just saw her in a sickening way. She had gone too far and I simply could not trust her again. My love for her was still great but I just wanted her out. She begged and begged to stay, even got on her knees I felt sick. I did not want to see that and kept telling her to leave me alone. For someone to get on their knees and beg to stay, I was not god and I could not believe she had done that. Why was she making things so hard for us? All I really asked for was honesty, the lengths she had gone to keep up with her own lies, it was disgusting. My heart was beating really fast and I felt extremely angry. I did not want to see her whatsoever. She was not going, instead came closer to me trying to hug me. I kept pushing her back telling her to leave me alone, to just leave. I was not myself my head was all over the place. I was no longer thinking rationally. I had seen her as an enemy and something evil. Why was she making me go through all this pain and suffering? surely she did not love me. She kept coming closer and touching my face during sensitive times. I just could not control it and pushed her away much harder this time. She fell on the floor as I tried to get out of the room. I wanted to be left alone. I spent some time thinking about how I had gotten someone to get on their knees. No matter how much you love another human being, you should never do that. You should only kneel for god surely. Since she was not leaving, and me feeling guilty for having had her to get on her knees, I felt really bad. With her constantly crying and over dramatically begging for another chance I decided to listen to what she had to say. I knew it was wrong to even hear her out, but I felt bad. Somehow she managed to remain in the relationship, but things had gotten so much worse. I became extremely paranoid beyond a normal amount. I would keep a track of all her affairs and although I knew she had only lied about her past, I couldn't help but think she was lying about the present too. She was no longer a friend and it felt like I was sleeping next to an enemy. Someone who did not want what was best for me. She would say how she could not go home because of her parents, so it was almost as if we were both forced to stay together. My mother also told me to let her go after I explained. The relationship had turned toxic and I would have the weirdest dreams. Dreams about catching her out or her stabbing me in the back. Some time passed and we remained together through all the uncertainties. When we were together things would be great. When she went to work and we were apart I would turn angry. This led me to quitting my job at London Thombs. I used my mental energy to find customers for that place, and when my jealous supervisor criticised my work for no reason I just left. The managing director even contacted me asking me to go back in, that they 'needed' me. I just could not get myself to talk to anyone anymore. I felt angry at everyone and far less social. I decided to start tutoring and spent a couple days searching for students. I posted an AD on Gumtree and got a call from a woman in her late 40s. She had a son who needed someone to push him on the right track. He was suffering from Asperger syndrome, a condition which made it really hard for him to focus on his studies. His relationship with his mother had degraded too, he would hit her during arguments. She would constantly highlight his disability and label him as not 'ok'. I found a couple other students on campus too, first year ones. I decided to do tutoring part time alongside my studies. Me and my girlfriends relationship remained unstable. The love had grown a lot but the trust was incredibly low. She did many things to make it up to me, even changed aspects of her personality to gain my trust. There was no point, nothing would restore that. I knew it wouldn't last long and we both felt very vulnerable, me more than her. I had remained truthful about most of the past and present, maybe a few white lies here and there. She had lied about many things and sworn on her dearest, god and her religious book. I needed work to keep me mentally distracted, and it appeared that this boy and his mother needed my help the most. Maybe I could use my skills to improve their relationship instead of trying to fix mine, clearly our relationship was pretty much done. So I went in to see the boy, his mother was set to pick me up from a local train station.

The boy had an unusual style and approach. When I first met him he looked perfectly normal and nothing like what his mother had described. I spent the first session just getting to know him thoroughly. We spoke about his favourite football team, his goals, his grades and any friends he had. I would notice at times he would get distracted, but overall his responses were fine. He had installed neon lights all around the room, these lights would change colour on a timer. He told me he was studying BTEC Business, and how he hated the fact he couldn't make it onto A-Levels. "Bro its not a big deal...you can still get into a banging university with a BTEC course, its minor" I would encourage him. He did not care too much about making it to uni, he seemed more concerned about the boys taking the piss out of his course. "Do you live your entire life for other people's opinions? don't end up like one of those losers" I teased him trying my best to make him understand. He seemed to like me and even said he would tell his mum to bring me again. Apparently the last tutor was rather old and way too controlling, he did not like that. "That guy was weird fam, he kept saying stupid shit and trynna make dumb convos" he told me, trying his best to put on a mean face. He had just turned 17, but was very big for his age. Around my height but maybe twice my size. No wonder why his mother was scared, he was a big lad. She paid me for the first session and told me that she needed tutoring twice a week. It appeared as if I had found a good client. The only issue was the mothers constant nagging and negotiating. She was always in search of a good price, needing a discount of some kind. This really annoyed me, I mean £20 an hour was already a decent price given the situation. I had to teach her son the basics of manners let alone anything academic. Nonetheless we managed to sort out some type of package deal, where I would charge them for the entire course, each unit at £50. Some of the units would take 2-3 hours to complete, others 5-6 hours. Not the best deal, but I needed the money and she needed the help. We agreed on the terms and left it at that. She dropped me to the train station and I made my way back home. My girlfriend seemed pleased to hear I had found a tutoring job. "It's much better than selling tickets in the rain, I'm so proud of you" she would say. Still in her crazy mind she had plans of us getting married, her being as optimistic as ever. I mean I was stuck with her now, we might as well. There was no getting rid of her, and we were both too in love to end it anyway. Fuck trust I guess, we'd just have to spend the rest of our lives tracking each others phones, what a joke. I never thought it would be possible to hate someone and love them at the same time. I went with her to meet her parents again, they were lost in a fantasy. I guess they were relieved that their daughter had finally found someone they accepted. We would all go out together to the local shopping centre, getting to know each other more. We even walked passed a jewellery store, the father looked at me and signalled towards a ring. I wish I could just tell them how crazy their daughter was, and how I wish I had never met her. No regrets however, it was a vital relationship in my life, one I had to go through. Her parents were set to meet my mother for the first time, and so we planned a meeting on Valentines Day. "Baby we can't hold it out for much longer. They want us to get married, they wanna meet your mum" she said enthusiastically. What can we do they might as well. I was stuck in whatever this shit was, I just have to make do with it. Valentines Day was still a few weeks away maybe I could find a way to end it. I tried to drain her financially, constantly asking her for money. Spending it on stupid shit hoping she would leave, that didn't work. We had a dozen arguments where I would pack all of her bags but neither one of us would end it. A couple times she'd go to the door and I would stop her from leaving. Our love had turned mutual and I could not be bothered to go through all of this with another girl again. So when Valentines day came and her parents met mine, everything seemed pretty official. Everyone was happy, we took loads of pictures. This was really going to happen I can't believe it. "Look now our families have met. I need you to think about what it is that makes you behave the way you do. Why you make it so hard for anyone to trust you. If I could get the real you out then I'd happily marry you" I told her as we both laid on the bed staring at the ceiling. She tried to speak but I cut her off, I knew she would find some silly excuse or act oblivious to the situation. "Don't tell me now...just spend some time at work tomorrow and think on your lunch or break. Open up and tell me the truth" I said affirmatively. So the next day at work she decided to tell me something different. She said how she had lied about not liking attention from others, how she hated wearing loose clothing and pretty much going back on most of her words. As her parents were strict with her growing up, she felt the need to be the centre of attention. For that reason she needed to receive love from people everywhere she went. That explained the shift of personalities when we were away. These were things I already knew, I just wanted to hear them from her. I appreciated the honesty but it was way too late for that. The damage was done and I could not see her the same again. I told her I did not want to be with her. For her to pack her bags and go back to her parents. "No way! What am I going to tell them? they won't let me back in" she said aggressively. I did not care...I did not want to spend the rest of my life with her. I had no energy left and to spend an excessive amount of time working on our flaws, that would take a lifetime. Not to mention the zero trust we had for each other. What were we really dragging here? and now parents were introduced, we needed to end it before it got too deep. I was with my student that day helping him out with one of his modules. She would normally call me after work, but that day she didn't. I tried to ring her but her phone was off. When I did get through she was not picking up. I got worried wondering if she was ok. Yes I did not want to be with her but I still had love for her, she was still living under my roof and her safety was somewhat my responsibility. When she did pick up the phone she was out of breath, crying dramatically. She said that she suffered from an anxiety attack and had come to the hospital. "Are you ok? what hospital let me come!" I told her but she would just hang up the phone. This drove me crazy, I just wanted to know she was ok. Eventually she picked up and said she was fine and that she was staying at one of her girls house. I knew who her friend was and she picked her up from the hospital. We texted throughout the night saying our goodbyes. She said she would tell her parents to come and collect her things in a week or so. It was a very sad moment, we both had love for each other. The next day she sent we a long text message explaining how much she loved me. It was a very emotional text message, I wish she hadn't done that. That made me feel really down and so I called her work place and said goodbye to her on the phone. That made things worse. She texted me a few hours later saying she was in the hospital again, another anxiety attack. When I called her she was crying and shouting hysterically. The doctors were trying to calm her down. I was really worried and kept asking her what hospital she was in. "Don't worry about me! 3 of my friends are coming to see me" she was screaming. I asked her who her friends were but she wouldn't tell me. This drove me crazy. "Who are your friends?!?" I asked again. She wouldn't tell me. I think I called her like 20 times, she just kept hanging up. I was so worried about her. Eventually her father picked up the phone. "Ali, my daughter is in hospital, I told you not to make her upset. What have you done?" he asked menacingly. "Its not my fault honestly, what is wrong is she ok? tell me what hospital she is in I'll come now" I responded. He just hung up the phone and switched it off. I was going crazy wondering if she was ok or not. I couldn't stay in the house I needed to go out. What if something serious had happened to her, I could never forgive myself. So I called one of my boys and we made our way to central again. I wanted to drink and forget about everything, not a wise move.

PART 5 IS THE FINAL SEGMENT