Captain Camo

Captain Camo

Randall brought me another letter. He laughs every time he says, “Hey, you got another ‘Dear John’ letter, John.” His laugh sounds like the noise the barn owl made when I hit it from thirty yards.

Huonk! Not quite a laugh – more like a choking hiccup.

“Hey, huonk, you got another ‘Dear John’ letter huonk, John.” Huonk, huonk, huonk.

That owl was a good shot. Better than some of the others. I wonder if Randall would huonk from thirty yards? And I don’t know why he laughs when he says, “Dear John.” My name is John. People write me letters that say, ‘Dear John,’ so what’s so funny?

Dear John,

My name is Tiffany Brown and I live in…

Most of the letters start with nice introductions. They say they heard about me; they care about me; they want me to get ‘better.’ Better? I’m not sick. Some people say I am in their letters. Those are the ones without the nice introductions, and of course they never sign them. They just say something like, “You sicko, I hope you rot in hell!” Right now, I’m rotting in jail – only they call it a ‘child and adolescent psychiatry unit.’ Trust me. When they don’t let you out…it’s a jail. I’m in here with Doctor Melee Mouth, Nurse Hurryup, Randall Huonk and a bunch of other kids I don’t talk to and who don’t talk to me.

All they do is make me miss home. Home was…good. Home was...home….

“Come on, Johnny!” Dad shouted from downstairs, but I couldn’t go just yet because I was a big, green, stompin’ machine and some bad guys were trying to take over the world. Okay, I was reading a Hulk and eating a granola bar, but I was busy.

“Johnny!!!”

I ignored him, but my attention was drawn toward the shadow at my bedroom doorway where Mary Kate watched me take the last granola bite and turn a page.

“Come on,” she said, as she put her hair in a ponytail. “You can read it in the car.”

“Okay.” I got up immediately. Mary Kate could tell me to sniff a camel fart and I’d do it without thinking. She was my idol. Most of my friends didn’t like their older sisters (and I’m pretty sure the feeling was mutual) but she was the greatest person I knew besides Spiderman, Thor, Batman, Green Lantern, Flash (this list gets long) and Hulk. Mary Kate was even better than Wonder Woman. I mean besides her picture, what was the attraction? Rope and bracelets? Geesh. Mary Kate was faster, stronger, an amazing gymnast, and a basketball and soccer player. She could…

“Johnny!!!”

“I’m coming!”

I ran down to the kitchen to throw away the granola wrapper and grab another and heard Butch growling and barking next door. He was the meanest dog ever. All you had to do was look at him and if you pointed at him, he was worse. Once he jumped the fence and I almost didn’t make it inside. All I did was say hello and he wanted to rip me apart. Crazy dog. I hated him.

I looked around, and sure enough he was yapping at our cat, Princess, who was hiding behind a tree. Don’t you touch Mary Kate’s cat, you crazy mutt! I used to dream about ways of getting rid of him.

“Johnny!!!”

“Coming!”

We loaded into the car – dad was driving with mom beside him and Mary Kate and I were in the back seat. We were going down a tree-lined road when a deer jumped out and dad veered and that’s the last thing I remember about that day. Forty days in the hospital and the news they were gone changed everything.

Dear John

Me and my frends gonna trow you a party if you get out of jail but you not geting out

hahahahahahahaha SICK LITTLE BITCH

Well, he can’t write or spell, but at least he knows I’m in jail.

My aunt Linda came to live in our house, which everyone said was a good thing since I wouldn’t have to make any changes to my routine. Are they stupid? What’s routine about having your whole family die because of a deer?

And I had to go back to the same school where everyone knew my parents and sister were killed in a car wreck, and no one hardly talked to me, but they watched me with sad eyes until I came close and then they moved away like I had some kind of leprosy that grows into zits and explodes off the skin with infectious pus. I felt like a super-villain with radiation poisoning.

It was very hard getting up in the morning back then. I wished the empty feeling would go away. And I wished Mary Kate was with me. I missed her bad.

Dear John,

My name is Becky Turnwall and I’m a fifth grader at Mt. Hebron Elementary. I heard about the things you did and wanted to know why you did them. You can write back to me if you want. Maybe I can get my dad to drive me to visit you. Can you have visitors? I hope you get better soon.

Becky

It took a while for me to get into a car without feeling like a sitting duck for another accident. And it took a while for me to ride somewhere with my eyes open. Trust me. I could SEE deer jumping out all over. I’d shake and sweat really bad.

When I got on the school bus, I would grab the seat in front of me and hold on with all of my strength. They really should have seat belts in school buses. I mean, what are they thinking? Oh, let’s give a seatbelt to the adult driver, but let’s allow the little kids to bounce around like pinballs. And our stupid driver never scanned ahead in anticipation of the deer. He talked and joked and wasn’t funny, and he looked back in the big rear-view mirror at us more than he looked forward. Very careless! He was very careless with our lives. We should be protected from adults like that. I would protect kids from adults like that.

The only thing worse on the bus ride was Howard Baines. He pretended to talk to me, but he actually talked so everyone around could hear him. He pointed out every dead deer by the road.

“Hey John, there’s another one! The vultures got him! Dead deer, dead deer!!!”

And, of course, he pointed out the live ones too. Pretty soon he got the whole bus to watch out the windows for any deer and it didn’t matter if they were close to the road or way far away, the other kids would shout.

“There’s one! Up on the hill! Behind the bushes! There are four! There’s a bunch!”

But Howard was brutal. “There’s a deer and she’s gonna cross the road! She’s coming now! Look out, John! Bambi’s coming, John!!!”

Stupid mean idiot, didn’t he know Bambi was a boy? Then he would say really stupid, careless, hurtful stuff like, “You know,” he always started with ‘You know’ as if he had something to say that was important and had been scientifically proven.

“You know, statistically speaking, less than one percent of accidents caused by animals results in human fatalities.” Well, Howard Baines, did you know less than one percent of human idiots like you aren’t missed when they have a fatality?

Dear John,

We miss you in school. Miss Potter says you probably won't be back, but she's not sure. My mom says you won’t, and she seems very sure. I hope you do.

Samantha (Sam) Thompson

PS. I saw myself on the news watching you outside of school when they took you. That was cool.

Aunt Linda watched the news every evening. She’d pick up Leah from daycare, stop by the grocery store and then come home and start dinner. I was already home from school since I had a key and no matter what I was watching on television she’d change it.

“Let’s see what happened today, shall we?”

No, let’s not please. Watching the news is like being kicked to death by rabbits. One little bad thing followed by another and another and another until you finally just want to curl up and die…or explode.

But one day she turned on the news and they were talking about the deer problem. I froze but she kept on fixing dinner. They said, ‘The deer were a problem - They were looking for food - Beware when driving at sun up and sundown - They cause accidents - People are concerned - It was open season - Kill the deer.’ I heard every word.

It’s funny looking back now. I didn’t even notice the change, but I changed. What was once a painfully grueling routine of waking up to my miserable emptiness and the great loss of Mary Kate and my parents became a new dawn of endless joy and purpose. And what was once a dreaded, fearful, annoying ride into school became an exhilarating adventurous experience. Not only did I silently encourage the bus-full to locate the deer for my future reference, but I thrilled at the prospect of knowing they were there. I wanted to see them. I wanted to see them run out into the road. I wanted to see them smashed by the bus. I wanted to tie Harold Baines to the front of the bus, so he could see them close up and call them out into our path and then SMASH!!! Oh, the possibilities!

I soon discovered things that had been hidden from me in plain view. The first was the library. What a wealth of information at your fingertips. Deer hunting for idiots, beginners, pro's, children and adults. There were deer hunting books, magazines, guides, equipment, clothing, techniques, tricks, lures, and weapons. The weapons!!! Rifles, knives, bows and arrows – a young superhero's dream!

I had tried to shoot a bow once at camp. It looked easy, but it wasn't, and I was pitiful. I shook when I pulled back on the string, and the arrows always slipped off. I couldn't hit a brightly painted target from fifteen feet. Well, I did hit a target, but it was the one next to mine. Everyone laughed but me. But now, through my reading, I learned there was made for kids a simpler to use and more powerful tool – the crossbow! Point and click!

The second thing I discovered was everything I needed was on the internet and dad had a credit card tucked away in his boxed belongings. Point and click!

The third thing I learned was...I look GOOD in camo! I chose Captain Camo as my superhero title. I was going to be The Red Arrow or The Arrow Avenger or The Deeraser (that was stupid). You have to think how these things sound when selecting a title. Later, I thought about changing it to Major Stealth in case my missions took me indoors, and of course, they did. You don’t need camo indoors, but I figured I’d still wear camo no matter what I planned to do.

Dear Captain Camo,

We think you're awesome! Here is a picture of our club. We are the Clarksville Camo Rangers (CCR) and we are taking over where you left off. The deer are everywhere and need to be wiped out. You really had a good idea and you will always be our hero. Too bad about the other stuff.

Tommy (First Lieutenant)

Brendan (Second Lieutenant)

Stevie (Third Lieutenant)

Max (Private) –He’s our dog.

PS. Come and visit us when you can, but for security reasons we didn't put a return address on the envelope, so we'll find you.