You knew.

The stories still ring in my ears, almost a reminder of how badly the sound truly was. Oh, but that naive, carefree girl was head over heels. Devoted, but dumb to the fact the entirety of our relationship consisted of three things: lust, daddy issues and trauma.

It's easy to read in hindsight, easier to distinguish, dissect and dissolve from memory, but it's harder to take a look as to WHY it happened that way. Maybe it was you, maybe it was me- or maybe, just maybe, the fate was the calling for something greater. See, where I stand, is a perception of I told you so. I told myself I was moving too fast, I told myself things didn't feel right, I told myself it was just too good to be true- hmm, and part of me still wonders if you always knew, and I was the one dancing to circus music for your amusement.

Either way, it took 33 days. 33 days and once that license was signed, man, the entertainment took hold, didn't it? Was it immediate? No, abuse never comes in that form. Abuse is the handsome, charismatic devil watching your eyes adore the sparkle dangling in front of you, while he's chaining you to the wall. Abuse is the sweet words you've always dreamed of hearing, telling you how beautiful, how perfect, how intense the love at first sight was, while they're draining your energy, sparkle and light. Abuse comes in your favorite shade, darlin.

And mine, it took 33 days.

I almost saw it, but you swayed me so delicately and made me question why I was so upset on being disrespected, cheated on, discarded- almost immediately, but I was pregnant and I wanted things to be right, be steady for the babies. I wanted so badly to prove everyone who doubted us from the get go, wrong and I wanted to show my parents that I could and did do better. It's almost like, I had the want to prove myself to myself and others, like I had a plan for my life. See my plan, hold the hand of my life partner and build a stable family. Show our kids they're free to be who they want, it's cherished and they are loved and valued for their differences. A moment of serenity when drinking my morning coffee, over the absolute blessing and beauty I was witnessing and being given.

I wanted to bring heaven where hell had already moved in.

I don't need to share everything you did, you know, and you knew then. I don't need to bring your name up in conversation just to hear what you continue to do- everyone sees, everyone knows, it's like you signed your own death certificate. So maybe you knew then, it was all a big scheme and you thought you had the upper hand, and maybe sometimes you still feel that control- but one thing I can assure you with, is my healing.

You can slander my name, withhold my children from me, create false narratives you have to create evidence for because you know, you can't prove what isn't facts. You can tell your supply how I ruined your life, I'm a covert narcissist, alienate and brainwash our children to hate me. You can spend the rest of your days being so bitter towards me whilst trying to look like father of the year- and at the end of it, you're the only one watching your own theatrics. We all see the spiral, the downfall, the fuck around and find out behavior.

One thing is for certain, evil doesn't win and you were never an angel to begin with.