You Can Have Your Cake... and Shove it in Your Monster's Face Too

Dear Diary,

I have these issues because I am a control freak. Well that is what Counselor Kelly told me. She had me take a long test to basically reveal my deepest secrets. Joke's on her. I knew what she was up to and gave the answers she expected but I didn't accentuate on the gravity of my issues. I wasn't about to be put in an insane asylum.

What are my secrets? Honestly I'm a bit ashamed to admit them because they seem so dark and enticing to me but to others they are probably nothing to gawk at. She probably sees a million like me everyday and I imagine that her esteem for all of us is pretty low. Weak creatures. Abnormal. Disgusting. Malformed. Well... there it is. My secret just came out a little so I might as well let you in on the whole of it. I am downright putrid. Disgusting. I am a sore excuse for a human being. People pity me when they walk by, they literally turn their heads. And me? I do the same everytime I see myself in the mirror. But this is all changing.

They say I have anorexia. Rediculous. I met a girl with anorexia. She was beautiful. I am not beautiful. Where she probably didn't need to change at all, I most certainly do. You see, I have zits all over my 17 year old face. My hair is straight and stringy. I have big feet. I've got no womanly shape for the life of me. You see, I can't stay like this. I must change or I will be a sad excuse of a human forever. I must change or I will never have hope that Weston will so much as look my way. I plan to marry him so obviously that is an important first step.

Dear diary,

I did so good today! I got away with only having one cheese stick and a piece of broccoli. My mom locked me in her bedroom until I 'finished' the burrito she gave me. Can you imagine? That thing is at least 400 calories. That would NOT look good on me. She has no idea. I feel bad for her. I know she wants what's best for me and all. It hurts me me to see her suffer about this. I threw the burrito out the window. She also gave me some of those nasty canned tomatoes. There is a small ledge under the table, right under the top that connects the legs. I was able to align the tomatoes neatly along the hidden ledge. Hopefully Sandy enjoys them.

Dear Diary,

Logistically this is getting hard. I'm always freezing. How am I supposed to show off my body to Weston when I want to wear a coat all the time! Tea is my new best friend. I literally can't get enough of it. Earlier I was at Subway with my friends. They all harassed me about not getting anything. I think that is so rude. Don't I have the right to make my own decisions?! Gosh. And like, when I said I wasn't hungry, I wasn't hungry. I'm never hungry anymore. I've cracked the code. Yep, be jealous! Oh and sidenote- I was at youth group yesterday and Weston looked at me. I should clarify- he looked me in the eye! It was almost like he was asking me on a date with one look. It was so powerful! Those big dark eyes. I'm feeling optimistic that things are finally headed in the right direction if only I can keep my coat (and weight!) off.

Dear Diary,

The doctor said that if I don't gain five pounds this week I get to be admitted to the hospital. I've been doing this for three months now. I'm now at 86 pounds. My mom says I'm unattractive. I look like a skeleton. Thanks, mom, for the sef-esteem boost. Honestly I hate that I can't be normal. I'm sorry. But I am who I am. Its not my fault that I'm ugly... I feel like the whole world is out to get me. I just need to go cry...

Dear Diary,

Weston totally ignored me today. Like he just walked by the chair I was sitting on- not even the slightest head shift toward my direction. He probably sees me as unattractive like my mom does. Everyone thinks I'm ugly. That is why I need to change. My theory is that if I loose more weight it will accentuate my hips. Guys like hips. I also think my cheekbones are looking more pronounced! I don't know why anyone else doesn't see these things. Why am I the only one who realizes that if I don't change I will never be able to be valued for who I am? They can't see it now... but they will.

Dear Diary,

It's been a long day. Anytime. They said I could die anytime. They hooked me up to IVs. They have me under constant supervision. Even now, as I write this from Bsoton Children's Hospital, there is a nurse sitting at the window couch, watching. I bet she's glad. Nice and easy job for her today! Analyze an ugly anorexic nobody... she keeps trying to talk to me. She must feel really bad for my pathetic self. Oh and did I mention that I don't care if I die? I bet Weston would at least come to my funeral and that'd be cool.

Dear Diary,

There is no way they are doing that to me. They just shoved a feeding tube down my roommate's throat. She wouldn't drink the concoction of whatever it is they thought would heal her so they forced a tube down her throat. It was the worst sound I've heard. Literally it sounded like she was croaking right there on the other side of the curtain. I checked on her and she is okay now. She can't really talk much though. I would rather be 800 pounds than have them do that to me. They are all proud that I'm eating my food now. As if I have a choice! Its eat or croak like her and that sounds worse than death. I want them to know I'm ONLY eating so they don't put me through that torture. Obviously I can't tell them that.

Dear Diary,

Not much to say today. I've been here for 10 days now. I'm not allowed to do anything. Literally they wheel me around in a wheelchair if I want to 'do' something. It's downright humiliating but I do kind of hope other people see me and think I have cancer or some actually cool disease. It is weird to be in a hospital and be perfectly healthy. And I know they don't believe me but I felt perfectly healthy when they admitted me. Now I just feel like a fat whale. The mirror proves it. I've got a stomach- literally a pot belly! Strangely, I don't care. Nothing is worth caring about anymore for some reason. Even that fact that I don't care doesn't concern me.

Dear Diary,

So, it's been a few days. I've been feeling so weird and happy lately. Like, sometimes I just smile for no reason. I secretly wonder if the lack of food was depleting my brain of the things it needed to be happy. Of course I'd never admit that. But honestly I'm feeling good.

Dear Diary,

It's my last day here. I actually cried when I found out because I've begun to really like it. I appreciate the nurse and staff so much. I love being tended to. I feel like I've gotten the royal treatment. I'll miss that and I am not really ready to go home. They say this disease is like a monster living inside of me, controlling my thoughts. I'm nervous about fighting it on my own. I'm scared to look strong and get compliments. I don't want people noticing and having feelings about the changes that happened to me here. I am scared to be that vulnerable but my new body doesn't give me a choice. People will see the change.

Dear Diary,

I'm home. I did a little experimenting in the mirror when no one was home. I pictured myself just a bit voluptuous. I pictured myself with boobs and curvy hips. I pictured myself with cheeks that had enough fat that they showed my dimples. I kind of liked it. I got a little excited actually. What if eating well does make me look... healthy? What if healthy is attractive and I've been denying myself this. Why not give it a try...

Dear Diary,

I just died and I lived to tell the story. Oh you're curious? Its my birthday today, 18. My mom made a cake. I think she didn't want to trigger me so I found it hidden in the microwave. I didn't even think when I saw it. I got a knife and a fork. I cut myself a nice big slice of that moist chocolate cake. You bet I ate it! And I ate more of it. I ate half that whole damn cake! I know now the old me is gone- no not me, the monster. I have successfuly killed the monster that was minipulating my mind, making me think I had to be different. Honestly I feel full. Full of cake but also full of joy. I like the thin bit of fat hugging my body now. It feels healthy and desirable. I feel healthy and desirable. I kind of hate to say it but I think I love myself.

Dear Diary,

It's been 10 years. Not once have I looked back on eating that cake. I am happier than ever. I'm celebrating my six month wedding anniversary today to the man of my dreams- no not Weston, believe it or not this guy is better! I didn't need need change myself for him. In the past few years I've ran 5K's, climbed 4000 foot mountains, got a job that I love which allows me to travel and... I've eaten so much cake! I just want to reach back to my old self and tell you- you ARE beautiful. You embrace that beauty! You find that beauty in yourself- it's there! If someone doesn't see it, move on girl. You are worth it. If someone doesn't value you, move on girl. And don't ever think - and I mean ever - that you need to change. All you need to do is love yourself. One of the best kept secrets is that loving yourself is happiness. Don't let any monsters take that away from you. Be happy. You deserve it girl! Have your cake, whatever that may mean for you, and if your monsters don't like it shove it in their face.

Love,

Me