Word of the Day: 不倫

I think that the Ezra Miller guy... might not be a good choice. He has an ex wife he works with and a son with her. I feel like he actually is married. I... don't want to enter into something under those circumstances. I would never openly go after a taken man. Never. If I ever knew I was in an extra-marital affair, I'd end it immediately.

While thinking that way. I started looking for some one else through the apps and stumbled upon this 23 year old tattoo artist. He looks like a 14 year old Adam Lambert. He is interesting.. He has neck and face tattoos but... I dunno, I felt strange because... Well I didn't lie to him but, I didn't tell him I lost my virginity when I was 23. I always tell people " 23 is a great age " because of it. I didn't choose him because of that, I had a lot of reservations about giving him my address, just like for pure better judgement.

I feel slimy now that I've confessed that. I even feel guilty for remembering the moments he made my body feel good. He kept saying, " I am a pleaser. "... I guess I was trying to change his nature. Am I draining him?

There are buds on my rose bush outside... I guess I wanted to feel pure again. I guess I have to recognize that I want his light. I don't want to hurt him. I have to let go of a blood brother again.

After getting out of the shower I noticed he left a hickey on my neck. I forgot he was sucking on my neck and... well luckily I have a long neck sweater to wear but, god. I am sort of being stupid right now. Not doing homework, fucking random guys... even though, I feel like having sex with him, was somehow some part of myself exploring myself. Psychologically it was profound but, little to no use in my daily life.

I only have an hour to get ready. I guess I am just wanting to rest in the... After-fuck feelings of everything but, there is no time to savor things anymore, I got to rush along.

Is it sad that, I can't even imagine him loving me?

I am just needing to get ready to go to school. I don't know how to stop smelling like blood. I am tired already. I guess just dousing myself in perfume and hoping for the best. I just need to get back tonight. I'll need to make a big pot of tea, and get back to all the work I need to do.

I really need to do something about the smell, it is kind of crazy. I can't free drip right now.

I sat at the front of the class for some reason because for the first 10 minutes it was just me and the teacher so, I was preparing for us to huddle up together. I just realized. Oboushi san is the same age as the guy I fucked. Also he is definitely my old therapist's son. I think it is kind of weird but, I sort of want to see if I can meet up with him. I have a feeling he lives closer to where I live if his mom works here.

I didn't join the Japanese discord server and... in general, we get along. Plus he is the only other person that Rosa who would speak Japanese to me so, I just kind of want to have someone who would be willing to talk to me.