Word of the Day: 劣等生

I already wrote this but it got deleted for some reason. I just want to destress before I have to spend the rest of the day ( literally the rest of the day ) just studying Math and Japanese. Mostly math though since I have that pesky test tomorrow.

Oh god now I am horny talking to Reo... I have already had a few days of having the mysterious "tickle" on my labia which I have been trying to massage away with slow success. It isn't like I've been horny at all, it is mostly just my nerve endings firing off. Sort of like the reverse of whatever fiber myalgia.

I am on the call with Reo but I am overwhelmed with the sounds in my apartment. They neighbors are doing their carpet which I am jealous of but more importantly I am needing quiet right now so my main feeling is irritation.

Reo had to go to the doctor's today. So I am sure he is sort of worn out too. We sort of ended the call a little awkwardly. We both had our phones on mute. I think it might be that he's hiding something from me, I don't know. I kind of was pretty high when talking to him. Maybe he was lying down too and didn't want to admit it. I am kind of wondering if he has sort of secret.. not hatred but, maybe there are things he is starting to dislike about me. I worry about that going forward too. He is not very verbally affectionate, but I see it in his consideration of certain things, and if that translates to action when we meet then, I think I would be satisfied.

I question my judgements lately. I think it is fine I am quitting the Japanese club, I think that is the only thing I am certain about, it is more like I question my ability with Japanese and to actually understand the culture. How will I adapt? I know Reo says I would have a completely fine time there but, I worry... or I should just trust my assertion it would probably take a year before I'd get used to things completely or at least mostly?

I have my todo list with me at the dining table now, so I am trying to stick to using it to coordinate my tasks. I am finally back on the timer so... Ah of course, my computer is showing an update is necessary ( which means I'd also need to do a restart ). Well, I don't have time for that, also I don't notice anything with my computer that indicates a lack of function at the moment so, I feel like it is safe to proceed.

I wonder what he is doing now? I am trying to get used to staying on line with him longer. Am I resistant to being on call with him? Do I secretly feel trapped in sort of pity? I wonder. Heck, it might even be vice versa. What do we feel for each other anyway? Two INTJ has never worked out...

I keep hearing random noises everywhere making me feel like the room is alive somehow. Ah I guess I have been too naive on some things, but at least I am finally in the mindset to study math.

What am I doing? I can't even remember the things I wanted to write down originally. I feel like everything is at the moment, and that we have no control over time. I am trying to with the timers but, it is not mine.