Word of the Day: 断捨離

Today we are cleaning the house and getting rid of stuff. We bought some breakfast burritos and coffee drinks at a coffee shop and vowed to not cook today and spending it cleaning the house.

I woke up super early before that though and was crying because I am thinking I need to let Reo go. I really get sad thinking about it as we've bonded quite a bit lately but if he wants kids, I definitely won't be able to have them even if I wanted to due to the aneurysm-like issue I get from exerting myself down below. Overall my health I don't think is good enough for that. But not even that, I won't be able to fully enjoy any sexual experience because we'd have to be careful about making sure I don't orgasm.

I feel really lost right now, I know that is made worse by the fact I am going to start my period soon. I am hoping that once I start, at least my emotional health will recover a bit more.

I do know that, potentially these problems are caused by me being overweight for a while and if I lose weight, they might go away. Or at the very least, I can feel better about myself.

My mom and I discussed it and shook on starting a diet of strictly meat and vegs and cutting out complex carbs all together. Also eating fruits in the evening since we tend to snack in the evening but usually not on anything good.

I also looked online and apparently that phenomena that happened to me is called thunderclap and might go away if I lose weight or take beta blockers so it gives me some hope. But the say that you should get a brain scan to make sure it isn't some sort of brain thing. Either way, that hope has raised my mood considerably more than earlier today.

Reo is acting weird though lately. He isn't talking to me as much but maybe it is just because Canada is super hot in the 90s right now and he is not feeling up to talking. I am living in a comfortable 70s here where I live.

I mean, he did talk to me and said

Every now and then I'm honestly shocked that you haven’t been wife'd and babied up by another Japanese guy already

I told him that he doesn't have to worry because I like him. But then he has gone silent since that conversation. Perhaps he is just busy but I worry.

Today we're going to the gym. I woke up super early as always.

My niece ended up visiting with her baby along with my brother. Then her friend also came over. It was a busy day as they stayed for a few hours.

My niece stayed the longest as we ate lunch/dinner with her.

I don't even know how I am spending my days lately because I have slowly been disinterested in tarot cards or not watching as much. I guess my brain is preparing for all the studying I am eventually going to do. But until then I have so much idle time I feel like I'm wasting away.

I think I need to study Japanese more now just to occupy my time. I was considering subscribing to Dlibrary, a Japanese streaming channel, so I can practice more again but, it is apparently no longer functioning or running.

I do have more to report about my housing situation but I feel like I need to write about that in the next post.