Word of the Day: ぼさぼさ

Well, I heard back from Evans Crossing. They denied me based off of my criminal record but I also heard from Springbrook and they want more info on my income.

It is quite the emotional rollercoaster this week. Also with the 4th of July being today, everything feels hectic.

I had a dream I was looking into a group having a book club meeting and felt sort of like wanting to join.

I have been sort of tired lately but maybe it is because I have been busy.

That inability to orgasm problem has become worse. Now if I try to masturbate to climax, I get this overwhelming headache. It isn't like anything I have felt in my whole life. It feels like my brain was on fire.

I cried a good while after recovering because, I was sort of glad I was alive but also sad because, how am I supposed have a boyfriend 7 years younger than me when sex could possibly kill me? Or at least good sex would.

I feel like my life should just end right now but I selfishly still want to live. Also Reo feels like the only thing keeping me alive right now, if I didn't have him I probably would contemplate suicide. That and my doctor appointment on the 18th is giving me hope. Perhaps I am lacking in some sort of hormone that can remedy this problem.

The only emotional release I have now is crying. That and sleep. I am so glad that I gained the ability to dream again, otherwise it would really be hell on earth to just be going to sleep and having nothing to comfort me.

I also think that maybe, if I exercise, the problem might disappear, but I don't have all the energy I did when I was younger. I am only 35 and I feel like a 60 year old... God, please cure me of this, I can't stand it.

I know that people get erectile dysfunction or orgasming problems when you're older but I didn't think I would go through this in my 30s..

I tried looking this up online too but there is really nothing on this condition I seem to have, the fire nerves/headache thing while masturbating.

I am sure it will cause psychological problems even if it gets cured because now I am scared to even touch myself.

I don't know why but I woke up at like 2 am, so I decided to write all of this but, crying is making me tired again so I am probably going to head back to bed.

I woke up now at 8 am so I got like 6 hours of sleep and it is the 4th of July.

Having lunch/dinner with my family wasn't too bad. We got to use the Roku Stick to its full potential by bringing it to our grandma's and using a hotspot wifi to fuel it.

That stick is super useful. My mom bought it for only 30 bucks and she was paying like 400 dollars for all her cable stuff but went off of it just to pay 65 dollars for the internet.

I went to sleep with all the firework noises and funnily enough, it was sort of calming to hear all the crackles and booms. Not so much for my dog. The first boom made her run back into grandma's house as we were leaving. I had to comfort her until she realized it was ok for her to come out.

I unfortunately woke up with indigestion though, so I had to take some antacids.