Word of the Day: 共感

I have the freedom to write right now, only one page for today, but I welcome it.

On my dining table is a copy of The Obstacle is The Way

I have my Japanese and Math handouts all over mixed with bills and checks I need to deal with spread out. One faithful composition book next to a completely used spiral notebook. Graphing calculator underneath the keys and some door dash receipts. A jar of peanut butter that I occasionally dip into with a spoon when I am wanting to stress eat.

My homework is open to Math homework. I couldn't even tell you what formula I am using to solve these questions. I am bit scared of the test coming up. I very much haven't studied for it. I have all today but, I feel that is even not enough somehow. I mean, I don't know how to make my brain work more than it is now.

I just know I'll never beat a computer. Now I want lemonade. Why? moi cok.

I agreed to meet a 3rd man named Eric. He is fairly normal. I am not head over heels, he doesn't make me super horny or anything but, he has had a vasectomy. I keep playing with the edge. I always pretend that I am ready to accept consequences but, I don't think any sort of spiritual retreat or meditation is going to change my mind, I don't think.. Well this life for sure but, just in general, I shouldn't have kids.

It is hard to accept that, but it doesn't mean I am a bad person. I guess it also made me think of this whole thing I am telling myself that, if I have sex 3 times a week, it will be good for my immune system and health and shit, and maybe I won't be so stressed. This has all proven to be true but the thing I didn't expect was these sort of moral discissions taking my time up, which almost makes it as bad as being emotionally drained in a bad relationship.

I have been joking around with, " These are the auditions. " Auditions for what? Marriage? Living with someone? Moving? What? What can I do? I am in school with no money and no job, what can I do right now? This is the only time I have.

I am not hungry. I am reviewing Jimmy's video for the end of the month but, actually it is just the last day of the money. Ah is he following me around for that?

I guess I am feeling a bit like madam Huang or some shit right now. Asked the mf to get my soap and lemonade. Ah he is coming in 30 min probably so I need to jump in the shower I think and also maybe take migraine meds or something. I thought of maybe doing weed again but I feel like I am getting a headache from dehydration.

Next day. I don't regret it, but it is giving me pause. I mean, I am going to have to get ready for school.

Yes I did get a lot of rest, I reached my goal. He kinda made me feel like shit because he wants me to be his girlfriend or something and I am like, that is shit....

I decided to skip today's class because, I think I need to actually finish my homework. The lingering idea of him making me feel like shit makes me want to at least accomplish the task of finishing all my homework.