Word of the Day: 寝技

I am completely drained today. I told Reo that, I was doubting our relationship going forward as, I feel like he doesn't understand my needs and actually gave me pressure during a stressful time. I mean, he is busy as well, and I can understand that with the gaps between replies but, what he does reply with isn't satisfactory enough to keep my attention really. I feel like... I am alone. And I mean, when I was with Kenta, who lives all the way in Japan, I didn't feel alone with him. If you feel alone in your mind, you're alone.

I think I was just very overwhelmed with the idea of him having cancer and wanted to be by his side for that. But, in a way that is sort of emotional blackmail. I feel very alone at the moment, but I also feel free. I have my mind back but, my body feel bewildered as to what to do. I bought some food and figured, with everything it is probably best to just take care of that for now. Health is the most important thing.

After sleeping in the bed for too long, I smell like BO and have flaky skin that I need to exfoliate. Not to mention needing to do my hair, but that is usually last on my priorities. Definitely need to exfoliate or mask my skin.

I don't have all my physical energy back, I still find it hard to get around the house but, my mind is ready to work, hence why I am back at the computer typing this out. I felt too lonely in my thoughts, but I think I needed to meditate on things and process things alone.

I am back on my timer so, I am technically working in my mind and, the bodily things have to go out the window for now.

I am free but, free feels a little lonely. It is a lot lighter and gives me my own sort of happiness in the moment, but then I nose dive into the thought of homework and splatter on the floor.

I want to go back to bed, it isn't even made, I am sleeping on the slip of the mattress because I move my legs too much during sleep so all the sheets are down on the floor.

Also I am late with my period, I am in no risk of being pregnant but, I do worry that I am late with all the stress on my body. I was told, that if you consume a lot of iron ( they recommended eating a steak ) the first day of your period, you can by pass all the fatigue for people who are afflicted in that way.

I was talking to Reo about the different symptoms of periods, I luckily don't suffer from all but, the fatigue one gets during that time is akin to the flu.

Not only that but I also threw up and had the shakes for a good while.

Was I being to rash with Reo? Maybe I have too much trauma with Japanese men, leaving the country to return to Japan each year. Maybe that worried me more than I thought. Maybe I thought I was healed but... I am healed. I am healed but, I feel something on my neck... Shimeru.. those are choke hold positions.

Yukki totally attacked me verbally on his stream last time. I don't mind that he feels that way about me but I just wished it was not at that time. It is like I let go of all my virtual supports for some reason. Well no, he let go of me.

Looking out the window, it is gray and the sheen of white reflected on the wet leaves of the rose bush give it an extra sort of gloom.