Word of the day: 祈り

I woke up early this morning after going to bed super early. I woke up at 2 am. I figured I could stream or something which I will probably do soon.

I feel like I need to pray or something to get over what has been happening lately. I mean I do think Jahon does have a point with some of the things he said, I was kind of absent too, but if anything, wouldn't that make him not want to call me? Am I just lonely and taking advantage of the situation? I am surrendering to my weaknesses as far as the phone calls are concerned.

I am thinking about other relationships, such as with Yuuichiro, Steven, Robert, etc. Even though those weren't like the best relationships either, they at least encouraged me to be my best self. Jahon is probably too bitter now to really be a good boyfriend or to pursue.

Do you want to be alone your whole life?

He just seems to be negging me to get me to fall for him again, but I don't deserve that. I mean it might've just been the alcohol that summoned him back again, not spirit.

I talked to Keely and that helped a bit but I didn't tell her everything. We have some things that we're going to do next meeting, but I felt really drained most of the day and just slept. Not even tired but drained if that makes sense.

It is now 2 am and I am awake. I should be working on the commission but I feel like it is such a drag. I don't know what I would be doing if not working on that, I am just lazing around right now.

Later in the day I decided to just play with my dog and sunbathe in the yard. It felt really good and I didn't feel bad about it. I needed a little stay-cation to get me out of the slump I was in. I am still down but I feel like I am a bit rejuvenated by it. Also I didn't feel bad for not working so that is what's important.

My plant in the window is kind of dying right now. I feel it grew as much as it could without dirt minerals to support its growth. The stalk the grew from the lettuce was fascinating because I don't think lettuce grows that way and it was an adaptation to what had happened to it.

I am listening to a Cancer reading right now but now I know where it is placed in my chart so I can finally listen to something like this and not think of another person. There are some signs I don't listen to just because the concept of them in my chart is too faint or vague for me to conceptualize and I just don't feel called to check in on it.

I am rather sleepy still but my brother is coming over to eat dinner in like 30 minutes. My mom is playing a Filipino singer on Youtube right now and I feel like she is just so out of touch with everything. She is kind of delusional or old.

It doesn't help that he looks so much like Yuuichirou. I swear my mom is doing this stuff on purpose. I think she is doing it because of my brother but it is just done in poor taste. Or she is purposely trying to make me feel bad or something.

I am in my room writing this, transmuting everything and I can't hear anything past my healing music.