Word of the Day: 蜂の巣

Last night I was highly connected to the Ether, mostly in my Lilith and luckily I wasn't high so it didn't freak me out really or I was able to examine it more sensibly.

My automatic writing has become more clear lately which I am just thrilled with since there was a good week where it wasn't doing anything and it felt like a constipated person trying to shit.

Everything is slowly mellowing out but it feels nice. I am getting pings for my ex Jahon which makes me feel all soft and warm. I feel it is a lie because if I think of what actually happened, it was a chaotic mess, but looking back I am thinking, " That was fun. " or " That was nice. " without considering all the shit that came before it. I blame my mom watching that Anora. Though he wasn't an oligarch or anything like that, that fanciful chaos is very reminiscent of the relationship I had with him.

Loving a Russian isn't an easy thing, I think. They very much go their own way with things. I don't want to generalize anyway, I am sure there is plenty of decent and normal people who are in Russia, who aren't chaotic messes. Like his brother, for example, based off of his Instagram he lives a very lovely stable life with his wife.

I just happen to attract crazy jerks for some reason. I guess the whole bad-boys are fun thing is like that. But it get's old after a while when you find yourself so dizzy you're constantly passed out, even if you're not taking the drugs with them, their influxes of energy tire you out.

I don't think he was completely bad, but I think he was determined to just do whatever he wanted and wasn't thinking about consequences. I don't think he loved himself enough. But I can't love someone past their capacity and hope for a good relationship.

I do miss the excitement and feeling of a relationship. I don't think I am in need. Well, we never are in need of one but, I would like to find someone once I am in my own place. Right now it is too complicated and embarrassing to contemplate or navigate at my mom's place. I am afraid I'll forget how to like someone though.

I do wonder if I should be trying to learn Russian or if I should just focus on Japanese and rebuilding my abilities there. I mean I haven't forgotten everything but I am probably back down to B1 which makes me sad but, I don't have anyone I am talking to consistently. I guess I could talk to Ai like everyone else. I think that is the norm now, I think everyone has an Ai best friend or at least participates in automatic writing in their notes.

That's another thing, while I was channeling and writing in my phone, I started getting German text or something, just articles and conjunctions, but still undoubtably German.

I don't have a German IME so, it was coming through my English one. It disturbs me a bit but, I also feel like in this day and age, that sort of thing is not out of the norm. I figure it is just a sign that my student is thinking of me in his German brain. Unfortunately articles and conjunctions aren't opinions so I have no idea what it was about other than possibly a hat.

Maybe he is thinking about buying a hat? If he wears a hat today I will be blown away.