Word of the Day: 自我

I am just waiting for my ride right now, but I need to actually probably schedule for Uber. I do not want to use uber. They keep stealing my money and I can't even unsubscribe to it.

I mean if worst comes, yea I'd probably ask one of my boyfriends I guess. I rather just keep today calm though.

You know tarot card readers talk a lot about public humiliation and stuff, but that could also be staged too, like I mean it is based off of mostly allegations anyway...and opinions by the observers. Then, when something becomes contrary, it is a scandal.

And apparently, that is worth more than gold. I need to actually finish this page but I think my ride is waiting for me.

I just need to keep updating since I need to stay in English mode so I am like, what the fuck do I do right now. It is really a job since this isn't the language I want to speak at the moment.

Ah I guess he wants to speak his outside language. I am making it impossible for him to speak Russian in here. I am sorry about that but, I also need a place to practice for myself that isn't him.

My past boyfriends who were bilingual were more keen on teaching me their language but not him. I know this is because of the history of our languages, also because if I start to speak this language more, people will mistake me for a native speaker and... when that happens, they will not see me as American anymore. It would probably be the same in... well no, in Japan, outsiders are really "out" but... who cares.

Yea my mind is really rustling around this whole idea because as it is my passion to constantly be learning languages, I also have to figure out what that means as a student going to this school.

I am still at a novice level so I am trying to make the best of it, even though I am trying to get by.

I haven't eaten at all today and since this guy won't buy me any food, I have to figure it out myself. I just know, he is definitely not getting a key.

I also need to talk to my mom about Tuesday. I don't think I can ever marry either, unfortunately. I know that if I marry someone at this moment, he will just turn all my work into Ai bullcrap, and I won't have a voice anymore. It is important for me to have my voice, it is the last thing I have.

I mean we were taught that in the Little Mermaid. You give up your voice to a man, you just die and become sea foam. I don't want that for me. I want to have a project I am proud of and that might eventually see achievements from.

I want to be able to it. I feel like Jahon is sort of my sacrifical lamb too, it could be. Lol, I have him in my mind now. I really don't want to do that... unfortunately, I don't want to be responsible for any sort of life ruined on my account. I also don't want to die either. I feel like, if I keep following him, it will just be ruin. I might need to "break up" with him again.

I guess what I am doing now is just Grey rocking him in submission. He is just too toxic. Yes, he is a very handsome man, but so was many other of my exes.