Word of the Day: 神経痛

I feel I am going a little crazy since. I had that whole idea that I needed sex at least 3 times a week. I thought it might help my mental health but, I think I sort of down played the mental play that is required to even maneuver a FwB situation. I might have already overbooked myself. I have the tattoo artist hitting me up, and the sex god isn't answering me so I don't even know if he'll ever visit me again, then I made some random plans with this hot Kazahk guy to come down here from Canada.

Like too much. I even went online for whatever reason, looked up Jahon's full name, found out he was married and got divorced all within a year.

The fucker would've made me miserable. I guess that is also what I am thinking with this guy too. I feel.. yes, with the Kazahk I overstepped a boundary and I am trying to figure out if I can, figure a way out of this. But I think.. I have to go through the process of talking about relationships with him. I shouldn't have told him some of the things I did, I don't think I meant them very seriously.

But I also know that, once something is said, you can't take it back. There is a fine line with taking responsibility and... fucking up your own life.

I keep having flashbacks to when I was fucking the Ezra Miller guy. If I could have my body feel like that every day, I would be in heaven basically. But I don't think that is possible.

I doubt the Kazahk will make my body as physically happy as him, but.. I guess I... The wrongness here is my search for a spiritual connection in physical acts. Before I pull the plug or sort things out, I need to at least do my homework. I really don't need to worry about this mess at the moment but, I will have to sort it out eventually.

I am going to check my order on doordash now.

The man was very friendly giving me my coffee. I am glad he was up so early.

God, it sort of dawned on me that I could be pregnant. Highly unlikely but the tattoo artist sort kept apologizing after he came so, I mean... he just has to tell me if that is the case, but he might be young enough to where he can't time those sort of things well so... I mean, it doesn't matter at the end of the day. I will just get an abortion. Heaven forbid I would have to carry it full term because of some sort of government shut down of the clinics or some shit but, I am not going to let his southern Christian ass dictate what I do.

I feel that the saddest thing is, on my Human Tasks list, the hardest thing I am finding to do is lotion-ing my feet. I have plenty of time in the bank, have lotion, I am able to sit, but I can't mentally create space to relax enough to lotion my feet and put socks on afterwards.

Even before cancelling with him, I asked him if he'd lotion my feet for me. But I think sex in exchange for a foot massage feels sort of cheap, though I am sure married couples do it all the time.

Yea I am sure the sex god wasn't satisfied with me. It is a shame, I mean I am very pleased with what I received, I am just sad I couldn't give him that pleasure in return. I don't think I could ever though.