Word of the Day: 大雑把

I wrote something before but I accidentally deleted it. I was going on about how I overdid it today and not knowing what that means for me in the future but, I think I need to just relax today. As boring as that is.

I was walking in the park near the library a little bit before the meeting. It was very nice. People were picking up trash and people had some sort of coffee and bagel thing... I ended up not being able to help Hector. I think I need to just try to find myself before looking for money opportunities.

I started my period though. It gave me both a great relief but also I feel... alone now but, at the time it was affirming I am still young, but reluctantly so.

I feel kind of crazy right now. I am not even high but I feel scattered and unable to do anything. I know this is my period but I didn't expect to feel this way today. I hope I can get a grip by Monday but rip to the plans I had for today.

It is already 9pm and I haven't even brushed my teeth. I have literally been just laying down all day and only getting up to eat some snacks or go to the bathroom.

Reo messaged me:

Hey did you end up getting the macbook? Curious because I ended up getting one for myself and am absolutely loving it

After 2 months of ghosting me, he comes up with this... I dunno. I waited a bit before answering him but I ended up just answering him. I did ask why he didn't write me though.

I was having to deal with a bunch of stressful stuff and I wasn't in the best headspace

Ah, k... well, I don't know why he wants to talk to me now. I guess it is closer to the date we said we would meet with each other but, I feel like if he even came here he would just complain or it would be too weird to really function.

I scrolled up in our conversation to look at his pictures and remembered I found him... very pleasant to look at. Also the weird thing about impregnating me reminds me of Miroku from Inuyasha so it has a wierd appeal but I know that is a childish way to look at it. It actually sobered me up out of my high to type that. I really shouldn't be talking to him. I think I am just indulging... I guess I was curious. I honestly have been so busy with stuff I didn't even remember the time we were talking before. My brain is giving me little glimpses into the past right now, I even remembered his voice.

I don't really want to remember right now. I mean it was nice, I appreciate he was there for me when I was going through a hard time, but... I am trying to throw myself into Japanese club and school so, it feels too much to juggle a love life as well. Plus, it isn't like we are even at that stage anymore, perhaps he was just wanting to be friends or something, or at least just be on talking terms again.

It is Monday and I woke up at 5 am ( thank god ). I didn't get to study at all yesterday so, I am feeling a little bad about that but, my health has gone down since I started my period so, I am just going to try to do my best.