Word of the Day: お疲れ様

I am back at Starbucks today. I had such a hard time sleeping last night since I had a brief psychosis involving Jahon. I really questioned whether Reo is good for me and whether I did like him. I think he wants to confess to me soon or is expecting me to confess but I think I don’t feel that way or rather I don’t know how to feel after all that has happened to me.

I don’t want to ruin what we got going on, but him admitting that we are a safe option makes me feel like I could do better. Maybe not better right now but if I get my stuff figured out and lose weight.

I have a meeting with Tami soon that I am not sure if I should prepare for or if I should just be open to what her and Tina were wanting to do. If anything they could probably fix my iMatchskills profile so it accurately reflects my skillsets and not lying about things to potential employers.

I also am wondering what I should spend my 500 dollars extra on, either I can use it all in one go to get a new computer or I can use it to buy all the small things I will most likely need at my apartment.

Reo asked about him staying at my apartment so I feel like he knows that it is more likely for him to visit me rather than me going over to Canada. I would really enjoy going there actually but I just don’t have the money for that. I don’t even know if me pursuing an associates will do anything for me money wise but I just feel like it is me picking up the pieces left from all the chaos of the past. Maybe Jahon is subconsciously in my mind because with him I saw a different part of life. He really opened my eyes for better or for worse to the larger world at hand. It also was sort of scandalous for me to be consorting with a Russian without any ties really to the country/culture.

I always saw myself with a foreign person but I never thought it would be with someone I didn’t know at least a little bit of the culture of. It was really out of character for me to be with him. I wish him the best really but I don’t think we were meant to be together. Or there was maybe some reason we were together. I guess to open both of our minds, even if only for a little while.

Personality wise, we were so different, he was definitely an adventurous extrovert and I was a committed homebody of an introvert.

I discovered that I used to take propranolol before, which is the cure for those thunderclap/sex headaches I get. Perhaps me going off of them caused an issue with me getting those. All those medications that I was forced to take while I was in Cedar Hills.. I am so glad I am out of that place. I want to say that I am all better now but basically I am just masking. My life is stripped and boring now, I don't have any heart wrenching passion I am yearningly goating for.

Maybe it is for the best since I am already in my 30’s, not to be wringing in effort to live.

I feel more closed off now that I am not “bipolar” anymore. I am not connected to anything or anyone. I am clinging to Reo but I feel like, once he knows more about me, he won’t be as interested in me or, he is interested in me precisely because I am boring in a sense. I rather someone love me for my passions than my passivity.