Word of the Day: 麻薬

I think it is 9:30pm and I am wanting weed now. I don't need it, I still don't regret getting out of the house today but, I feel like weed would've gotten my ass hustling more.

I have tea. I mean caffeine is pretty good but I don't want to ruin my sleep schedule too much over this but I guess I do need to get out of lala land now and actually buy those books. The sooner I put in the orders the better.

I also need to check my mail soon but I am not too worried about it. I mean I want my financial aid check so I know I have money to buy those books but I guess I have to just rely on faith and buy the books before it is too late.

It's actually really hot in my apartment or I am just slightly sweaty or uncomfortable but it is already 9pm so I feel like it is a waste of electricity to turn on the air conditioner. It doesn't upset me too much because like I said before, I will probably save a lot during the winter months.

It's sort of crazy. My whole family sort of outgrew me. I thought I was going to outgrow them. I thought I would be somewhere different by now. Possibly travelled to some other places, had some sort of profession or job. I can't think of things in that way anyway. God is making room for me to do those things. I feel with the eclipse and with starting school, this is going to be a very big change in my life. I don't want to say that magic no longer has a place in my life but, I just need to get a few things squared away first.

I also have to consider what staying in touch with Sebastian really is doing to my psyche. We're just fwb but really, were not friends, we're more like aquaintances or text buddies. I can't subconsciously think we can be more or anything can develop. The thing is, he isn't a jerk, he is very nice actually and does talk to me but, I don't know if it is a good thing for either of us to be so chummy. I guess with younger guys you can't really relax as much. I mean, it is relaxing but in a different way. Not in the way I was free and crazy with Yuuichirou. I just saw everything with him. He really love bombed me good. I don't even know if he was doing it on purpose. I think he was about as broken as I was. He made space for me to express that though and I appreciate that every day. I don't have anyone I can be myself with right now.

I am even crying over that thought because it is so sad. The thing is though, I am slowly enjoying being by myself. It is peaceful. It isn't fulfilling but, its peace, and maybe that is my reward after everything. Maybe that is all I deserve, is peace.

What I hate about it is that, you can sit in the quiet and still think about the past, it can still come in some way or another. I long for those moments that I felt..alive. I don't hate what I have now, but I long for more.

I think I don't have to worry. I think those feelings will return to me one way or another. Now that I am not taking medication, there is nothing really inhibiting my mind. Yes, in a way it is more painful, to have to suffer all these feelings, but I rather live authentically and to be honest, this was the me who somehow found Kenta so... I will not learn to hate myself in this society.