Word of the Day: 雪

It was a hot night. The unbalanced tocking of the ceiling fan. Him raping me in my own bed. I have little to no energy to get up. My vagina sore from hours and hours of penetration. My nerves the next day were completely shot the next day. I slept most of it off. All the pins and needles throughout my body. I offered him my energy so it makes sense that it took quite a bit. I don't think I saw good in him, I think I saw the evil exactly and felt pity for him.

What is my self esteem now, going around town in my average day?

Going to the gym feels pointless right now. I bought food that doesn't really help anything. Eating Sunday's meal on Wednesday. I have no schedule anymore. What was I doing even? I guess I thought that if I could show him my daily routine, he would know me, but that was quite naive.

I did have a thought to meet my brother before but maybe I need to At least I know not to go with my brother anywhere. He is in rare form. Apparently his divorce is still going on.

Maybe going off schedule was something I should've done? Maybe not the best way to go about it but I guess it is better than nothing.

I valued my health for so long, being so boastful about not ever being sick nor ever having surgery. I will probably need to make an appointment soon.

I apologized to the Virgo as much as I could but I also know I can't really go there with that. It is too much right now. I shed my tears and said my goodbyes.

I might need to buy some marijuana again, I just feel like I need a bit more, but I don't want to blow out my chakras for too long. Or I will have to have an exact plan if I do do that.

I do want to get a job, I have for so long but I always worry about being sabotaged or considering that I might need to move before I can actually get a job.

I will have to hold off on that for now. It has been too long. I am thinking this is the only thing I can do for now. Hopefully later on it will become something more and I will be able to again gain confidence to do more.

I know I am past the point of going slow but, not having a straight away plan, I feel I have to develop more momentum in order to be able to do anything.

I am listening to my dad via youtube and it is calming me down a little bit. He's telling me I need to get an actual job. Thanks, dad.

He also said that my love life seemed interesting, which I guess is a compliment? I'll take it I guess. He is telling me that things would work out better if I found somewhere to actually work at rather than doing stuff at the computer.

I don't deny that but I feel like it isn't the right time right now. I think I will prepare tomorrow for that. I thought I would go to my aunt but maybe I do find a brick and mortar.

There is also the thing of seeing my brother and grandma again. I ended up doing it. I didn't really wanted to say anything about what was going on but I did tell my brother that it was better that our aunt is helping his ex wife. Especially since she threatened his life.