Word of the Day: 鳴き声

It is the day before my procedure and I have been laying in bed all day doom scrolling. I decided to buy a pizza and with tears in my eyes I told myself, " You deserve to eat ". I'll probably cry until the pizza gets here but I really think I need to get it out. I have a lot I need to process so I am thinking I'll get to write a few stories here before I chow down on some pie.

I know it isn't the end of the world, and after the procedure I will have this stress behind me as far as I am concerned. I think it is fair I am not keeping it all that together right now. If I were, I might be a psychopath.

It's kind of sad that, my brain doesn't even dare entertain the thought of being together with Sebastian. I am done pretending I am normal or that I will have any normal relationships. I don't want to squander the few precious moments of happiness I do have on lamenting that fact. And I really do think it was kindness I saw in his eyes. That's enough for now. Those are the moments I have in my heart right now.

Even if I don't ever get the classical idea of hapiness. I so wish I had my version at least. I am used to walking alone in my life and being lonely.. I feel like this little " break " before school is just preparing me for a long road of loneliness. Yea of course I have sort of these silly fantasies of losing a bunch of weight, getting new clothes, looking hot again.. being successful, moving to Japan, and attracting the man of my dreams but, I mean nothing on the outside will change what's lacking on the inside.

I feel like that dream is so much older than me now, I don't even know if it is mine anymore. I hope I find my way soon again. I have to just grin and bare the confusion right now while things are chaotic.

There's also my dad's thing. I don't think I am going to get that house or whatnot, I know I should just ignore anything my dad says but I feel like I have to allow some room in my mind for him to be indulged, even if it is for a week.

I am completely perplexed by my doordasher right now, they seem to be completely off course, I hope I get my pizza despite this. I really need to be soothed with food right now and I feel like my mood is probably poor because I haven't really eaten at all today.

the door dasher was really cute, I am grateful for my pizza.

It is the next day now and I am well rested but I want to keep sleeping. I will be able to rest in the machine I guess.

My customer messaged me last night but I am not worried about that, this procedure takes precedence over everything right now.

Though I am a little worried about the pizza for breakfast because I am feeling a little heartburn-y now. I hope I don't shit myself or something. I want to take anti acids but I am worried about how it will affect the dye or something, I just don't want to risk anything right now. I do know that I wanted to drink a lot of water before going because I feel like that is a good thing, I guess I can drink it now and hope for the best.