Word of the Day: 治りかけ

For the past couple of days I have been down with a fever with chills and constant coughing. I had a few fever dreams and drenched my clothes 2 times. Today, I feel a bit better so I figured I could make an entry here but, I feel so off kilter, my spiritual self feels so hollow, like I was taken off a giant wheel and now I am in the dirt trying to walk along this road.

My fever dreams were very interesting. I was evaluating men's suits and what the different stiches meant in terms of quality, and even the position of the person in board meetings can be determined by their suits.... I have no idea if that is true, my brain decided to play some youtube tutorial on suits during my fever.

I feel like I did a hard reset of everything. Normally people would be pissed or depressed but, when your health takes a turn, you realize that is really all you got in life.

I talked to my shitty boyfriend. I am mad that he is not more attentive. I don't know if I am being unrealistic or I am justified feeling this way. If I think about all my relationships, they started off as long distance so, maybe having a sort of distant person is actually more appropriate for me than I realized. I think though, the thought of wanting to spend as much time together would be the overall... goal? Inclination? Motivation?...something. Or is that just a naive perspective on relationships? I mean, he has to work so I can't expect him to answer his phone all the time.

Back to the being sick topic, the only upside I see about it is that my appetite has completely disappeared so I am not gaining anymore weight.

You know, even if this relationship isn't for me, I don't feel the need to look for another person so, even if this relationship isn't as real or as stable as I would like, maybe that's all we can afford right now. We're both in sort of dismal living situations and sort of just trying to figure out how to scrap by. Though this mother fucker is off sight seeing every other day so, I am pretty sure he's making fine money. Maybe I got to admit that he's just been giving me lip service and that he might not be that serious about me no matter what he says...

There was Luka... there is a this really cute looking Korean guy who looks like a sexy bugs bunny who has been hollering at me for a while but I am pretending to be loyal girl and rejecting his advances. But really, I feel like it might be worth going down that road if things get much worse than this or I find out Jahon has been cheating on me... but no, I feel I do really care for Jahon, unfortunately... Though I do worry that he might be seeing other people. I did ask him if he's had sex with anyone else and he said,

"Not since the late time we've met."

Which makes me think that he might do it in the future. I can't overthink it either way.

The horrible thing about this cold is that, I am almost recovered but not enough to do anything. my stamina is so low, right when I think I can do something, I start huffing and puffing and have to lay down again. I think by tomorrow I'll probably be more recovered. I do worry because I am getting a pain in my crotch but I don't know if it is anything serious.