Word of the Day: 自分軸

I need to do my math homework. Just one homework is due, but I want to relax so much. I don't know how other people are doing like 5 classes all at once, I have trouble just juggling 2 classes in the week. I guess I don't need to worry about that.

I am studying Japanese again, I guess I don't really feel it is studying but the algorithm has blessed me with these tv show reels in Japanese so I feel like the universe is supporting me talking Japanese.

I would love to write my thoughts here in Japanese to keep the actual flow of consciousness going but, I can't do that here. I can only do English.

I think I need to prepare for something, I mean so does the tarot say but, I think it is the time that something happens again. I need to prepare for that. It requires the boring stuff of cleaning and moving around, not my fond time of bashing about the keyboard keys.

My grandma was a Scorpio, her birthday was around this time. I wonder what she would've thought of everything right now. I think she... would feel sad.

Of course over the condition of her son but, I think she meant for me to have some of the money from her death. That never happened. I want to go into the ether, I don't want to prepare for whatever is happening. And they warned me of this too. There would be a cloud over the celebrations. Why am I always drawn to the melancholy?

Well, I guess I should live by my own accord. I chose the timers and the computers, so I need to follow that at least.

I have time, so I don't need to worry about that. Even if I need to prepare myself. I am just allowing the energy to leave my body for now.

I am translating my Japanese thoughts into English now, even though my mind very much wants to just speak Japanese. Why? Looking at Kenta's pictures, feeling just jealousy. It isn't healthy.

I even went back in time to remember Jaime...

Jaime wasn't even his real name.. He told me his real name.

I can't believe I wrote the teacher and told her about him. Well I mean, I said I had a friend in Hyogo prefecture. Wow. I feel like this daydream I am having is sort of... I mean I like it, it is cute, but it feels so far away from reality now, also I don't think that is what is coming either so. I am afraid to keep going down this path.

Lol, the idea of us ever meeting seems silly but, I would enjoy the silliness of it. Ok, I will pretend I am talking to him again...

Lol, it just comes out all in Japanese so I can't write it here. He had a really deep voice and cool in a weird way, like sort of a Adam Driver type.

But am I just living on memories now? I mean am I making anything new or am I just reliving old things. I don't want to forget is why. I think we're very stubborn for that, that stubbornness comes from our mortality. He was fun, I felt like he was a forest creature that I got to interact with.

He went bouzu too, I wonder what upset him. I mean, there.... omg I am so embarrassed... I told my fucking teacher about Jaime... I am not sure what I am going to fucking do now. I mean I think she has enough students that she doesn't care very much.