Word of the Day: 癌

This weekend I didn't get anything done unfortunately... I don't regret it though, it does kind of suck but... What happened was that Sebastian cancelled with me. We were planning on having fun together this weekend, I even bought some lingerie he liked and it was going to come some time in the afternoon.

He had some car problems and had to handle that ( I even saw his instagram so, he wasn't lying ). What was crazy though is that... Reo talked to me again. I finally confronted him about why he ghosted me several months ago and he told me that, he had several health problems, one of that being possibly cancer. I was shook. I just cried the whole time during our phone call. I think he was trying to hold it in but, either way today is when he will get the results of tests that are determining where he is at with that... I told him about Sebastian and... I mean he wasn't angry. Neither of them are mad/upset at this situation. I feel so torn and messed up, I couldn't do my homework at all. I just was in bed the whole weekend.

I lied to them saying I did do my homework so they didn't worry but... yea I just don't know what to think right now. After I write this I have to work on math for sure... I only have one hour though so I might just have to wait until I get home but... yea I got to at least get in the mindset of doing math or school work now.

Part of my thought process right now, staring at barely 300 words at this point, what sort of things do I need to write to process my thoughts/emotions right now? I am so empty and weak right now, I don't have anything to give at this point. I am struggling to get through this day as it is and it is barely the morning.

I hope Reo doesn't ghost again if the news is bad. I also have to prepare for there to be good news, maybe he is ok... We won't know until after today.

I want to tell people to ease my suffering but, I worry that it would just burden and actually make stuff worse. If it affects some of my work, I will tell someone but I think other than that, this has to be my place where I vent. I will talk to Keely about it later, but... Yea, I just feel like. In the past, when I was torn between two guys, it was for more antsy/romantic reasons, but this is... well very.. real.

If I could get into a rhythm of doing math right now, I might be able to hide my feelings for a while, but it is so slow to get my engine going.

I am trying to think of anything else I want to convey at this moment. I really feel like I need to use this writing as much as I can to stay... focused or..to even just keep going. I am relying on it to keep me emotionally stable before class and to do homework.

I am also debating whether to tell my council members about this, but I think like I said before, unless it interferes with anything, I don't think I need to.

I also don't know if I used this word already in a previous story so, when I get home, I got to go through them and just to double check on that..