Word of the Day: 博学

Jahon messaged me saying he booked the same air bnb he did on my birthday. I told him we need to go our separate ways and I think he understood that it was done.

I feel sad about it, I cried over it again and felt like I never get a break in relationships. I feel like it is always messed up in some way. I mean I want someone to love me properly, not some booty call in the middle of the day or whatever he had thought with the air bnb.

I'd need to go back to school. Unfortunately, I am trying to learn medical coding, but this is enough. I wasn't a good tutor anyway, just because you do something for so many years doesn't necessarily equal competency.

I am good at art, maybe languages is too high of a goal for me to aim for anymore. I guess coding is like language. I hate how I have no one to talk to about this stuff who can actually help.

I am needing to look for apartments in case the Springbrook ridge thing doesn't work out. To be honest I might not be able to afford any place realistically if utilities are separate from everything. I might need additional time for my voucher if that is the case.

I feel old and tired, I am only 35, I shouldn't feel this way. Or I imagined this is more of the feelings of someone in their 60's.

I think my heart is at war with itself in terms of what my direction is and who I should rely on. I guess I wanted to rely on Jahon but I couldn't. Now, I don't know if I can truly rely on anyone at the moment. The first time in my life though, I don't have some sort of special interest to distract me.

I guess writing is my escape for now. I am not sure if I can really do much more than that at the moment.

My computer is asking for a restart to install new Windows features but I am sure they're all shit or something.

I am back from that and a bunch of walking around for my mental health. Actually, going to the gym and walking around in the park with my dog made me feel a lot better also a bit more in control of my emotions. I guess even if I have no control over certain things I can rely on controlling my own body and doing my best to make that better.

I can't stream from my computer anymore since OBS and streamlabs is crashing all the time. I guess I can just streaming from my phone sort of hang out things. I probably will start doing lives from Hello talk more from now on.

I feel like I already wrote everything I needed to but I have to keep going to fufill the 600 word count that Vocal needs for the story posts.

I guess I can say, I plan on getting weed tomorrow while my mom is at work, before my appointment at 11am. It is so brazen that I am doing this but in reality, exercise and streaming can only do so much for my spiritual and social health. I have no one I can really talk to so of course I turn to weed. I also just broke up with Jahon again so, I am sort of hurt a bit.

I was listening to a tarot reader say, " God never lets us down. " So I guess I have to give everything up to him and hope for the best going forward. Maybe these are just major growing pains I am feeling and things will be more evened out by the end of the year.