Where Do I Begin?

I know that any time of day or night, I can put my ear to my heart and listen to a stream of words, a never ending symphony of love, a symphony of words that emblazon my soul.

You see for the longest time I thought I knew what love was, I thought I knew what it was to love someone, then I'm sure we all have the opportunity for that notion to be turned on its head. You see I met the love of my life in September 2019, it was cold that night.

We had been talking for about a month, I swear I had never seen anyone so beautiful in all of my life. Every time we tried by video or phone call I was just silent. All I could do was grin and giggle. Man, I felt like a teenager again all awkward and coy, like heck, how am I supposed to know how to talk to girls and she sat there in all her fineness, oozing pure divinity, pure femininity, this woman who shone brighter than the sun.

I knew from the very moment I saw her, I felt it to my very core that I was in love. My heart raced, my head swam and my mind exploded. I'm not exaggerating any of this, her cheeky charm, her body, the way she moved left me so hypnotized and aroused there are just no words. What I knew, what I saw, what I felt in that very moment. You see stars burn for a million years even ending their glorious existence in a rapturous show of light, power and intense energy so profound it is said to be able to leave a black hole in its wake. That intensity, that sheer unadulterated force stopped me in my tracks completely and I promise I have never recovered.

I'm a firm believer that life brings you to exactly where you need to be in every moment. So here I am in London. Its a cold September night, I traveled by train to get here, I'm staying in an Air BnB miles away from the city and the truth is I don't truly know if she is going to turn up. The thing I forgot to mention is that the very night before we were supposed to meet I spooked her really bad. You see I think, a lot, I have deep romantic ideals and I found myself in this space where I was thinking about how I was going to meet this woman, this divine and beautiful goddess. What if I got there and she couldn't stand me? What if she didn't want to look twice at me? What if she did?! What if we met and fell in to a deep whirlwind of romance so profound, so deep that our worlds are turned inside out and upside down?

You see I had all of this running through my head and my heart. I had so much riding on meeting this woman that I had not even truly begun to address at this point, so I shared with her my hopes and fears for meeting her, about how this could be the greatest or most soul destroying meeting of my life.

Even across the 100 or so miles I have never felt anyone back off so fast. Honestly, I swear I got freezer burn.

So I got around to talking to her and it turns out that she just wanted to meet and have fun. All the messages, all the stories I had sent her (she loves my naughty stories) all the ways we had communicated up until now had been fun and flirty. I agree I wanted the fun, but goodness, I had seen her, I swear I had tasted her, I had seen the core of her heart and swam in the ocean of her soul and I was hooked.

So there I was at work, a cold September night, trying everything I could to talk her down and keep my chance at meeting her. All I could think to do was ask what her favorite biscuits were and so we talk about biscuits, we talk until she is calm and I reassure her that I just want to meet, play and have fun, but by god my heart prays for the love of this sweet divine angel.

So here we are back where we started, its a cold night in September and I'm riding the tube with a rose in my hand and a packet of chocolate digestives in my pocket, hoping she is going to meet me. I'm so nervous my heart is racing and my palms are sweaty. I receive a message to say she is running late. I panic, I still don't know if she is going to turn up so I take a deep breath and go to tower bridge, or attempt to. I get off the tube and go to the surface having no idea which direction it is from the station, so I walk about 15 metres before turning round and heading for kings cross. The city is busy. I watch the people all around me. How many of them are going home to loved ones? How many have tasted that sweet promise of love? How many have burned with the desire and passion I have in this moment?

I arrive at Kings Cross. My phone is lighting up “I've been trying to call you, let me know when you are in St. Pancras and I will call you”

I have full grown pterodactyls flying around my stomach, my mouth is made of sand and my heart has just imploded in my chest. I cant think, I barely manage to read the signs directing me to St. Pancras.

I message to let her know I'm inside the station. I'm so nervous I can barely follow basic instructions, my feet are made of lead, everything is so loud so bright all of a sudden, like the world has had the volume turned up.

I make my way to the upper concourse. “If you look to the end, there is a statue of a couple kissing, I am in the archway between the two pubs” then she is gone. The last 500 metres feel like the longest journey of my life. I make it past all the platforms on the upper concourse. The statue is coming up, it stands tall above me. I fall instantly in love with the pure poetic coincidence, meeting the goddess here in the presence of this eternal effigy of the reuniting embrace of love.

I'm that nervous that as I walk past the archways I do not even see them or her. I feel bewildered and lost and then I see the arches. My heart stops. There she is looking smoldering as she leans against a bollard, everything about her is breathtaking. My heart races back to life and in that very moment I know, I know that if I don't kiss her now then I never will.

All of my lust, all of my intensity, all of my passion raging within me, broiling like a tempestuous sea, raging in to a tsunami, moving the distance between us in the blink of an eye so that in an instant I am upon her and my mouth is pressed to her with all the force, all the entirety of my heart, my soul swirling against her delicious lips.

My goodness to feel the kiss reciprocated is enough to knock me from my feet. The only thing to prevent me from swooning to the floor is the feeling of her leg wrapping around me and pulling me in to her so that my passion swells harder and harder, a swirling mass of steam building between us as I smear her lipstick across her face, my hands searching her delicate and divine form. I want her. Every fiber, every cell of my being is crying out to become one with this divine creature.

Unaware of how she would take the advance of my passions in such a public place I reign myself in, halting the kissing I step back offering the rose. “I love roses, thank you” she smiles a smile that blows my mind. Only now do I realize that I need to attempt to speak to her. I cannot just stare at her but my goodness look at her. The way she is smelling that rose, taking it in, in every possible way. Soaking up its beauty, swirling it in the light and smiling that smile as she inspects its beauty. The divinity in her honoring the beauty and divinity in that single flower. My heart swells and all I can stammer in that moment is:

“I got you some chocolate digestives, I know they are your favorite”

I blurt it out, instantly falling silent after, taking in her every reaction. You see when I was messaging her it was easy, far easier than standing before her, her beauty taking my mind, heart and soul on a journey in to paradise, taking me to a place where I certainly wish she could read my mind because my cognitive ability is limited to basic language skills, where only primal instinct reigns supreme and all I can do is focus on the pull to lose myself to the supreme divinity of her body. For now however, I have to try and make it through a date with this absolute goddess of a woman.

A lifetime flashes by as she considers the biscuits in my hand. “I only like the dark chocolate ones”. My heart sinks, I have so many hopes riding upon this night with this divine beauty, I want everything to be perfect, I need everything to be perfect. Maybe I put too much pressure on myself but if you saw her as I do I know you would understand why it has to be perfect.

I stand for an eternity. Staring, soaking in every detail. Her beauty, her divinity melting my confidence so that my brain seems to dissolve, pouring from my ear, leaving the essential parts for basic survival and movement. The world around me is non existent and all I can see is this beauty before me. She laughs heartily at my inability to speak, “Shall we find somewhere to eat?” All I can do is nod.

I take her hand and we head out in to the cool night air. My head is reeling, spinning, my heart is pounding so hard in my chest it feels as though it is exploding with each beat.

How am I supposed to talk to this goddess? How can I truly hope to make a lasting impression? How can I hope to stand a chance at love with her? Am I putting too much thought in to this? Maybe you just need to relax dude! The thought flashes across my mind, then I look at her again and my resolve crumbles to dust.

How did I earn the right to walk hand in hand with this absolute beauty? How did I manage to win this opportunity? What did I do so right to deserve the honour, the opportunity to attempt to win the heart of this beauty?

How do I convey the fact to her that she is by the far the most beautiful woman, the most amazing woman, the most romantically inspiring, the way she looks after herself and her body, the way she carries herself and moves through life, absolutely everything about her leaves me breathless and turns me on to the point I may explode, yet right now I can't even speak, all I can do is stare in wonder at her beauty.

We walk a little down Euston Road in an attempt to find an eatery. My lack of forethought or planning massively evident as I have no idea where to take her to eat or even what she eats. I feel the night growing colder as we walk, our need to eat growing.

After a good amount of walking and deliberation we decide upon a restaurant under the Pullman Hotel. We walk in and the aesthetic is very modern, LED lights glowing from every surface, the hum of the patrons and staff filling the air, the warmth close from the throng of people, the bustle of a busy restaurant around us as we are led to our table. Holding on tight to her hand, we move to a long bench running parallel with a row of tables and chairs, the warm glow of LED's growing in intensity, the obscure way the darkness is just as loud as the LED's creating a buzz in my head that won't cease.

I look opposite where I am sat and she looks picture perfect, she has removed her layers and is sat there in a beautiful red dress that hugs her figure and causes my mind to burst in to flames as my libido sky rockets. All I can do is sit there staring at her, I am completely lost for words and all I can focus upon is every little move she makes, everything she does, the way she bites her lip, the way she smiles, oh my goodness what a smile. She is the most beautiful woman in the world and my breath struggles to return to my body when she smiles. I sit there forever, all I can think to do is stroke her arm and my goodness the feel of her skin is so luxurious it is enough to make me weep, the tips of her fingers running along my arm in reciprocation peak my libido so my blood boils.

I don't fully know how long passes in that moment, our table staff come over to check which room I want the bill adding to. Its fun and adorable to watch her frown slightly as I say we are just restaurant patrons, “It would have been fun if you had charged it to someones room!” she remarks. I have to force a laugh. “Yeah”, not because its not funny you understand, simply because nothing is working properly, I have no reasonable cognitive function, I can see she is growing uncomfortable. Everything feels so intense, so raw, yet all I can do is sit there watching every little motion she makes, captivated, my intensity growing so fast it fills the room like a growling, raging beast.

She makes her excuses and heads to the bathroom. Everything in me wants to follow her, to express this raging passion within me, to impress upon her the fullness of my feelings. I cannot move, I am rooted to my seat and carrying a grand fear that she could reject me, this divine beautiful creature, this gloriously breathtaking being, the sight of her, the scent of her and everything about her has captivated me from the very moment I saw her, the moment I embraced her and lost my heart to her.

She sits back down, that glorious smile bursting across her face “What?” she asks, “Are you going to just stare all night?”, I don't know how she feels in this very moment, a slight look of concern crosses her face as it takes every effort for me to reply “No”.

Silence falls once more. I am completely lost to her beauty and this being our first true meeting, I know that forever more I am lost in lust, in passion, in absolute love for this glorious and divine beauty that glows before me. My only concern is how will I ever talk to her, how will I ever express anything other than a blessing of pure physical expression I have no idea for at this very moment words evade me completely.

I manage to discuss the need for food with her. She has decided to have the calamari and I shall be having the three cheese tortellini, we order and then once again silence befalls us.

This divine lady before me begins to question me in earnest, “Why are you so quiet and intense in person? You were so open and expressive in messages, what happened? Do you not like me?”.

I struggle to reply. I assure her I like her, how can I tell her in this very moment that she is the most beautiful thing I have ever seen? That my heart and my soul belong to her for all eternity? Of course I would need to be able to speak at all, so when I open my mouth to speak the words I utter are as follows:

“What do they call Brazil nuts in Brazil?” I ask, She responds with“ I don't know, what do they call Brazil nuts in Brazil?” After a lifetime of being lost to her beauty, seeing the way she moves and speaks, seeing her in all of her glory leaves me so I lose all memory of anything but this very moment. Vague recollections of a punchline waiting to be delivered hover in my mind. The word “Nuts” punctures the air and she instantly begins howling. I feel a moment of sheer ease as she seems so very human in that moment.

Then all at once everything closes back in, the intensity of the restaurant growing, the lights throbbing in my head, making the intensity heavier as my head begins to ache.

What do I say? How can I ever talk to her? How can I tell her that since that very first video call I have been in love with her? That every ounce of my being has craved her in every second of every moment since? That all of my will, all of my desires have burned with the thought of the glory of this beautiful divine woman? That my heart has sung with the glory of what it is to know beauty and the epitome of beauty is sat directly before me, the definition of a divine feminine is present directly before me.

How can I admit that since the moment I saw her smile, since the moment I saw her pour languidly across the video screen that my heart has not beat properly? How can I tell her that I am in love with her? How can I tell her that I am terrified she may find out? How can I tell her that when she goes to LA, I'm afraid she will take my heart with her and never return?

All of these things roll through my mind and all I can do is watch her as she begins to eat, the oppressive feel of the restaurant closing in on us bringing the tension higher as I still can barely speak.

We finish our meals and she makes her way to the toilet, we have only been in the restaurant around an hour or so yet I am painfully aware that my silence has made it feel like we have been there all night.

I call for the bill and as it is brought she offers “It would be really funny if you charged it to someone's room!” I want you to understand she is not a malicious person, yet I understand how sitting across the table from someone who has not said a word can leave you to crave a little fun and excitement.

I can barely speak, I can barely think, I can barely function. I want to appease this goddess before me, I just do not have the mental capacity or the wit to currently attempt such a feat so I pay the bill and we head back in to the cold of the night.

As soon as we are outside we head further down Euston Road, towards Euston Square Gardens.

The cold of the night cuts in to me and I see homeless people filling the benches around the gardens and I find a use for the biscuits. I offer them to an older gentleman, apologizing that it is not more.

I attempt to kiss her. She holds me back and gently presses me, asking why I cannot speak to her, why I have just sat staring and drinking her in.

We head back a little way cutting down a side street, pausing to sit on the cold marble steps of St Aloysius R.C. Church. I begin to open up, I begin to tell her of my regrets in life, things I am ashamed of, things I wish to never repeat. Still I cannot bear to tell her fully how I feel.

We see a rickshaw drive past and the conversation turns to how we should ride through the streets in one having naughty fun. At that moment another couple appear. Their conversation turns heavy so we move a little way down and stand against the railings of the church.

On the sub level below the church there are people coming and going. We talk a little more and I cannot help but lean in for a kiss and it is not long at at all before things get pretty heated, like almost indecent exposure, so by now I know for sure how much she likes me and how much of herself she is willing to share with me.

As soon as we stop I resume my silence and I can tell it pains her. Her pace quickens as we head back to Euston Road. "Why are you walking so quick?" I ask. She turns on her heel as she responds, “Because you are not talking to me. Where is the guy I have been talking to? Where is the kind sensitive, funny guy, the one who feels everything and shares everything?”

This is it - do or die time. I open up and tell her how I'm afraid to share my truth for the fear of rejection. How all of this has the potential to leave me broken. She empathizes with my vulnerability completely in that very moment, then we hug deeply before walking in to the station.

Plucking up the courage I ask: “Can I stay over?”

She smiles. “I cannot promise you that you will get anywhere.”

I take the risk. I remember how we had to run for the train and in that moment her dress malfunctioned, exposing her nipple to an elder gentleman making his night.

The thrill of riding the train with my arm around the waist of this goddess. I wonder how far it is? How far is it from the station to her house? What kind of place does she live in?

I know that no matter where she lives it will be a divine temple encompassing all that this beautiful woman is. We alight the train and I have no idea where I am, no idea how I'm going to get back to my Air BnB in Stratford and right now I don't care because I am here with her.

Along the way we come across a church yard that looks as though it has been untended or a while. The church is unadorned, yet with every place of worship there is that sublime energy that flows all around it, it permeates the very brickwork and you feel the faith in your soul no matter what your beliefs.

I cannot go in to detail of what took place that night, I do not kiss and tell. I can tell you that as I left I sent a video declaring how I felt for her, I can also tell you that I didn't want to leave her. As for what happened next, well you will have to wait for the next installment...