When the Mask Falls

To love someone requires a lot of sacrifice. It's not what we are taught, nor what stories and the media show us. But all of this is part of the system that needs to keep the wheel turning.

As a survivor of someone with questionable character, which I only realized years later, with significant consequences to my physical, emotional, and financial well-being, I wish everyone had an alarm inside their head. It would be ideal if this alarm went off every time a person of dubious character approached. This would save many people, especially women, who make up the majority of the victims.

I went through very difficult times that left me with scars I am still overcoming, even eight years after I finally managed to walk away.

Each person has their own experience, and the time it takes for discovery, separation, and healing is also individual. No one can point fingers and dictate where the mistake lies, when a person should forget, or how and when they should move on. It is devastating when we realize that the person we chose to share our life with is not who we thought they were. To be deceived by the character of someone we love is a painful experience that can affect us in many ways. Unfortunately, some people can't even see this, their minds manipulated to the point of blindness. It's a very serious and dangerous situation.

Being able to recognize certain behaviors and attitudes from the beginning would greatly help reduce instances of suffering, in any form. Each person feels pain differently, and breaking free from this trap is far from simple. In the beginning, we often ignore the signs, lost in the idealization we create. We believe in the promises, the sweet words, and the fleeting gestures of affection. We believe that love can change everything. But when the true face emerges, reality hits us like a silent blow.

And when the mask falls, it’s usually because the aggressor feels comfortable enough to reveal themselves. And yes, I call them an aggressor because that's exactly what a person without character is! Someone who intentionally hurts you, no matter the level, is an aggressor. This cannot be dismissed as a joke, as exhaustion, as depression, or as a simple mistake... No! It must be taken for what it truly is: the person, even if you love them, is an aggressor, draining your energy for their own benefit.

It's hard to accept, but it's necessary for our survival. Disillusionment causes a very deep wound in the soul. Trust is lost, and we become anxious and fearful of trusting again. The pain of betrayal from a broken agreement is significant, but the hardest thing to forgive, at least for me, was realizing that we are responsible for having believed and given permission for that person to treat us this way.

That's why we must maintain a touch of reality and not view the other person as if they were perfect, because no one is perfect. The illusion of having a special person by our side is a trap. Clinging to the idea that the person beside us is completely genuine, correct, and devoted to us is a step towards the abyss. And when you look into the abyss, it looks back at you, and its allure is very seductive.

If you notice that in your relationship there is excessive control under the guise of love and concern for your well-being... Beware! Manipulating with words, gestures, and expressions, constantly trying to change who you are, is dangerous. For you! Deciding who you can interact with, what time you go out and come back, what you eat, when you sleep... is a complete disrespect and will cause you harm in the future.

Pay close attention to excessive jealousy. The notion that if someone doesn’t feel jealous, it means they don’t love you is utterly ridiculous! Mature adults, who behave appropriately for their age, are controlled and realistic. Constant suspicion, accusations, attempts to isolate you from others, and using jealousy as an excuse are red flags. Take care of yourself!

If your partner tries to devalue you in any way, start paying attention to how you can address this for your own well-being. Don’t wait for them to change. Jokes, hurtful or disparaging comments about things and people you care about, about aspects of your self-esteem, or even directly about your thoughts and feelings... are all warning signs that you are already a victim!

One thing that hurt me deeply and that I am still healing from, with triggers that I am working through, is emotional manipulation. It starts subtly, and you don't even notice it at first. Suddenly, everything is your fault, even things you're not involved in, but somehow, your partner turns it against you. It’s the "blame game." Various threats emerge about ending the relationship, using emotional blackmail on something they know will affect you, causing fear, resentment, guilt, and anxiety. Everything is thrown at you in an almost simple manner, but it’s all planned by the other person to maintain control.

One highly damaging tactic often used to inflict emotional harm is when a partner deliberately employs the "silent treatment" to hurt you. Yes, they want to hurt you. It’s not because they are sad, tired, or unsure of what to do. It's because every successful relationship needs communication. By remaining silent and giving you the "cold shoulder," they create distance and build barriers. Meanwhile, you’re left to wallow in confusion, trying to figure out what you did wrong to warrant their silence. This can last for minutes, hours, or even days, depending on what they hope you will do in response.

So, from a survivor's perspective, believe me... The person who genuinely likes you, loves you, respects you, and understands you will never engage in these behaviors. Even if something happens and you have a momentary argument, because that's how life is, we are unique beings. Even within a relationship, it’s not necessary for everything to be identical. Thoughts, ideas, desires, interests... No! We can like the same things and still disagree on others. It’s normal!

So, understand that you’re not asking for too much by wanting to be appreciated for who you are... You’re just asking this from the wrong person! Step away, take a deep breath, realize that it's a part of life, and move forward. You will find happiness because you know your worth!

I hope I’ve helped a little. Follow me for more thoughts. I want to share my experiences here and connect with you all. Comment and leave a like. I appreciate your support.