The Love and the Difficulty of Loving

After all these years, I recently discovered that my mother is a toxic person. Not because she wants to be, but because life made her that way. And when I stop to analyze, I understand that she can’t change that now. It’s too late!

I grew up with the image of a strong woman as a central figure in my life. But that woman was my maternal grandmother. I think that's why I never really bonded with my mother. I also believe that I am more like my grandmother and nothing like my mother.

After so many ups and downs in life, after I left home to pursue my own path, my connection with my mother became even more distant. I no longer had my grandmother's physical presence, as she had passed away at the age of ninety-eight.

A little over nine years ago, I moved back to my hometown. My mother became a widow, and I started living closer to her. As a result, I became more responsible for taking care of her than my older sister—a story for another post—despite the fact that she lives just as close as I do but pretends she’s too far away to see our mother.

Over the years, I started to notice aspects of our relationship that were hard to ignore. I also observed how my mother interacts with others and her attitudes toward various life events.

And I discovered, being very realistic and setting aside the emotional part, that my mother is a toxic person in every aspect of her personality. And with that, I realized that although I love my mother, I don’t like my mother! Do you understand what I mean?

People need to know how to differentiate. Just because you love someone doesn’t mean you have to like them. It may seem contradictory, but it actually makes a lot of sense!

Over time, life revealed layers of her behavior that made me question our relationship. And it took me so long to realize this because I was distracted by other things about myself.

And that realization was painful! I’ve always heard that a mother’s love is unconditional, but what do you do when that love comes with manipulation, constant criticism, envy, unreasonable demands, and an emotional pressure that drains your energy?

I love her, but I don’t like who she is in many situations. It’s as if love is an obligation, something I was taught to feel, but deep down, it conflicts with reality.

I know she doesn’t act this way out of malice; she might not even be aware of the impact her words and actions have on me. But that doesn’t make things any easier. The love I feel for her is there; it’s a part of me, but it doesn’t erase the pain of dealing with her toxic behavior. It’s a complicated love, mixed with gratitude and resentment, affection and frustration.

I spent a good two days feeling awful after reaching this conclusion and analyzing how I felt about her. It’s something very difficult, and you can only move forward by being very realistic, after taking an emotional blow like the one I took.

In a small way of putting it, it’s as if I were a lush tree that, after receiving a strong impact, became wilted, dry both inside and out. It took me a little over a week to recover, understand, and overcome. And also to accept this truth. My mother is toxic!

I live with this today, juggling to avoid falling into her tricks again, because she shows no mercy. There are many ways to be toxic, and now that I’m aware, I can turn the situation around and handle it well, but at first, it was complicated.

Writing about this is my attempt to understand and accept this duality. I don’t want to erase what she means to me, but I also can’t ignore how I feel. Perhaps the way forward is to learn to love from a distance, setting boundaries that protect my mental and emotional health. Because, in the end, loving someone doesn’t mean we have to accept everything they do or say.

I take care of her, see her three or four times a week, take her to doctors, visits, and walks... I try to maintain a good relationship because I know it won’t be long before she leaves us.

And since I understand her, I know she also suffers from being this way, but she can’t change; it’s a damned habit she’s carried for far too long. It’s ingrained in her skin.

And since my older sister is very selfish—a reflection of our mother—if I don’t pay attention to her, I believe she will sink into her own negative thoughts and soon won’t be with us.

Loving my mother is a constant challenge for me. But it’s also a lesson in balancing love with self-care. And perhaps this is the hardest kind of love, one that requires you to look within yourself and find the strength to love, even when it’s difficult to like.

That’s how it is. I love my mother, but I don’t like her!

Thank you for reading my outburst. I hope it helps you in some way. Leave your comment and hit the heart button. I’ll be sharing more about my reality with you soon. Follow me!