What Nobody Tells You About Not Having Kids

Unlike most of those around me, including those closest to me like my sister and my best friend, I have never dreamed of having kids. I mean sure, the thought has come up a few times over the years, more so now that I am beginning the early thirties chapter of my life. But to be completely honest, having a child seems like one of the worst possible things that could happen to me. Of course, when I tell people that children are not in my future they often come back with the cliche “ you’ll end up changing your mind” response. But after nearly 31 years I have yet to change my mind and I highly doubt that I ever will. Lucky for me, I have plenty of women in my life who dream of having multiple children which means my world won’t end up being completely childless. In fact, my basically-sister-in-law just had her first baby and I can not wait to visit and meet the sweet girl. Now there’s a vast multitude of articles, books, podcasts, YouTube videos, etc., that cover the topic of being a mother. But there seems to be a severe lack of pieces covering the topic of not being a mother. Now, I still consider myself to be young even though my body tells me otherwise. And I know that I still have much left to learn. However, I will pass on the things that I have learned so far that no one seems to tell you about choosing to not have kids.

It’s okay if your life’s purpose isn’t being a mother.

Sometimes I get so caught up in all of the “…my life completely changed for the better when so and so was born…” and the “…being your mother is my greatest accomplishment…” posts that I end up feeling bad about not wanting a little mini-me running around my house. I often wonder if something is wrong with me because why would anyone not want children of their own. But I’m not broken. Just because becoming a mother is someone else’s purpose in life does not mean that it has to be yours or that your purpose is any less valuable.

There are going to be times when you feel so lost that you believe having children is the answer to fixing your life.

I am human and like every human, I have my bad days. Lately, I tend to have more bad days than good days, but that’s something I am working on. Sometimes during my darkest days when the light at the end of the tunnel seems galaxies away, I scroll through my socials and see post after post showing a happy mother and child or a beautiful family doing beautiful things together and I wonder if that's what I am missing in my life. New’s flash self… it’s not. If I stumble off of my path, having a child will not show me the way. Sure it might carve a new path for my life, but it would be far from the path that I desire.

People will try to talk you out of it.

This one is almost a given. I’m sure many of you who choose to not have kids or don’t want kids have had at least one person in your life tell you that you will end up changing your mind. I know I’ve lost count of how many people, usually acquaintances from work who don’t know me very well, have told me this exact same thing or some other version of it. A few of my favorites are…” you would make a great mother!”, “ don’t you want to see what a little mix of you and your partner would look like?”, “ won’t you end up being lonely later in life?”, “ who will take care of you in your old age?”.

You do not need a reason for your decision.

Many people will fail to understand why you are choosing to not have children or why you wouldn’t want a child of your own, and they will demand reasoning for this. Okay, that was a little dramatic, but many will insist that there must be a reason for your decision. You do not need a reason for living your life the way you envision it. Do people who choose to have kids get asked what their reason for bringing another human into the world was? No. I mean sure someone probably has experienced this, but as far as I know, it is not very common. No matter if you don’t have a reason or if you’re like me and have many different reasons, you don’t owe anyone an explanation.

You are not alone.

Once I hit my mid to late twenties, I started to notice a massive influx of posts from former high school classmates, childhood friends, and many family members announcing a first or second, or sometimes third pregnancy, or the birth of a cute yet scary-looking newborn baby. At some point, I began to believe that I was the only person around me who never dreamed of such an event happening in my life and was hoping that it never would. Even the media loves to fixate on who’s showing a baby bump and who is having who’s baby. I’ll have to be honest with you, even though I am very happy for her now, I was crushed when I found out about Rhianna’s pregnancy. She was my single-girl-don’t-need-no-man-or-child idol. I’m not sure why I assumed that she never wanted a family. Honestly, it’s not fair of me to assume that. Many people want kids and some who think they don’t do end up changing their minds and that's perfectly fine. But for every hundred people who have or want to have kids, there are hundreds more who choose not to or simply don’t want them. Even if you are surrounded by mothers, mothers-to-be, or people who dream of being mothers one day, that doesn't mean there isn’t someone out there who understands why you want a childless life. And I hope that after reading this that you feel a little less alone on your child-free path