Dear Ex-Bestfriend

I’m sorry. This is not how I thought our story would unfold. Some days I feel as if I threw away fifteen years of friendship over nothing, but that’s not the truth. The truth is that we outgrew our friendship. I’m not here to blame anyone. We both had and still have our faults. We both are guilty of making mistakes and we’re both too stubborn to say we’re sorry. I’ve tried to reach out. I thought we could patch things up. I wanted to keep you in my life, I just needed a little time away from us. The last time we spoke broke my heart. I know you’re hurt but I don’t know what else you want from me. I had to end it there to protect both of our hearts. I’m sorry I blocked you, online and in real life. It was better for us both. I still check up on you even though I know I shouldn’t. I can’t help but still love you and I want to cheer you on from the sidelines. But these last pictures I saw of you did something to me.

Are you happy? Are you taking care of yourself? Do you have a new best friend who is treating you better than I ever could? Is your family doing well? Do you ever miss me? Is this all my fault?

I’m worried about you, I’ve always been worried about you. You’re just like me and you bottle up your emotions and try to cover them with drugs and alcohol and food to try and distract yourself from feeling so low. We’re the same person, which is why our friendship lasted so long. Remember that time we both bought each other dream catchers for Christmas without even talking about it beforehand? I’m struggling without you, are you? After spending fifteen years of your life with someone it’s hard to remember who you are without them. I’ve lost myself and I think it’s because I lost you. It was always me and you, never without each other. Everyone knew it. Are they surprised that we are no longer together?

It’s been around four years since we last spoke. I’ve moved on, sort of. I have a new best friend. I love her with all of my heart, but she’s not you. I know I shouldn't compare, but I can’t help but still feel an empty pocket inside my heart where I think you should be.

Will I ever see you again? Will we ever talk? Maybe one day I should unblock you, but I’m worried it will tempt me to open up old wounds. I don’t want to hurt us. Not again.

What are you doing for work now? Where do you call home? Are you still in our hometown? What do you like to do for fun? How have the years treated you? Does your family ever mention me? Do you still listen to the same music? Do you still laugh the same? Do you ever think of me? Remember the times we spent all night talking and laughing until our stomachs hurt? I haven't laughed like that in many years. Do you still smoke cigarettes? Do you still drink? Maybe one day we could have a beer together. Do you still like to sing and dance? Do you still go camping and enjoy warm days on the boat? Have you found love? I hope you did. You have a big heart and always do everything in the name of love.

Do you hate me? You probably do. If you don’t hate me then you should. I hate myself. I wasn’t very nice because I didn’t know how to let you go.

I’m sorry. I miss you. I love you. I hope you and your family are doing well. I’ll never forget you and will forever cherish our many wonderful years together, and I will try my best to forget the bad.