What never was, so I must let go

Where to begin? The noble part of me wants to say Thank You. Thank you for being such a good friend to me, and to us. I want to say how much I miss you. How much your confidence meant to me, how good it was to converse with someone of diverting beliefs and feel no judgment. It wants to say how I wish we could go back to how things were. The long nights of merry-making, the immense bouts of laughter and teasing. That part of me misses the peace and splendor of those times. They miss the knowledge of having someone who relies on them. Someone, who maybe even looks up to them. It grieves over our lost bond.

But, the truth is, that bond has been severed and can never be mended, not as it was. The blame is not yours alone; unfortunately, you hold the greater sum of it. I do carry fault of my character, my lusts. Before, I was able to keep them at bay, telling myself that it was a betrayal of our friendship, of your trust in me. Now, however, that same barrier no longer stands. I can no longer look past your promiscuous behavior. I can no longer avert my gaze from your loose attire. Now that I know the lengths you will go if provoked by the right circumstances.

You know all too well my war with my darker complexion. How he undercuts my every good deed, poising it with his filth. And that is what he would do to us, to our bond, if we let you back into our life. Long has he coveted you, not from a place of love, no, but from a perverted desire of domination. To him, you are nothing more than what you jest you to be, a slut. A common whore whose depravity is boundless. And why does he find you so fascinating? Because under normal circumstances, you would never pursue someone like me. We both know how different I am from the lovers who frequent your bed. I am driven, traditional, strong of will, and refuse to comply with what I don’t believe in. Politically, we clash. Socially, we disagree. And this makes you all the more enticing.

For my part, I too would be harmed by this action. I love fiercely and don’t believe I could separate my care for you as a person from the dark possession my counterpart seeks over you. And that would hurt more than just the two of us. The one who brought all of us together would too be wounded. An outcome you and I have both sworn to prevent. Hence, why would we tempt fate by putting the three of us in such a situation?

It would have been much easier if we could have had the relationship we all joked about. The three of us as one. Friends, family, lovers, it is a thought I often imagined. A fantasy that I entertained for both noble and lewd ends. I never quite knew what was attractive about you. Even when you were skinnier, something about you intrigued me. It wasn’t your body. In that regard, I find you average(no offense intended). No, no I believe it was your wit, your energy, and the kindness of your soul. I also believe your darkness called to me as well. I wanted to embrace it? Defend you from it? Free you? I’ve never been quite sure. All I knew was that the more we interacted, the more I wanted. I wish to give you a taste of what she and I share. To show you a partner who both loved you, cherished you, sought your well-being, and made your legs quake in bed.

All of that and more I dreamt for us, knowing it would never come to pass. And now more so, it remains a dream that must remain locked in the dark. I can never again be alone with you, never be as open with you. Your instability, your anger, they have taken all. No matter my capacity, we can never be anything to one another. Not in this life we live, not now, maybe never. What harries my heart most is that you will never know of this. Never read this letter. You will never uncover the emotions you provoke in me. Of how I mourn our friendship and your advice. Of how there are nights I dream of you writhing in pleasure, begging me to never let it end.

No, you will not know of this, for will not tell you. I will not break my vows for someone I know could never reflect my feelings. A person who could not respect the sanctity of one friend's relationship, and who would not respect my own if given the opportunity. In time, both thoughts born from the light and dark will fade, as all things do. I embrace this, because I know it is right, and is the only option left.

I wish you well and pray you find your own star. One that will lead you from the pit of hell you so readily return to.