What It Means To Be Yourself

I always told myself that I was ugly. Or, that I was too big. To tall. I need to wear makeup to feel good. I need to dress like everyone else. I need the newest iPhone too. Here is why I was wrong.

It is never easy to look different from other people. We all try to fit in. Whether we are popular, introverts, or extroverts, it's all the same. We just want to belong.

When I was in kindergarten, I was always taller and bigger than the other student. Pretty sure I was a solid 4'11 then. It was hard to make friends with the other kids because I was so different and just didn't fit in.

I had managed to make friends with a girl no one talked to because she had better clothes and accessories that others didn't have. We actually got along very well too. We were always together and would always hug before going home.

Halfway through the school year, she had left unexpectedly. She just one day didn't show up for class anymore. I never really found out what happened either, so I just passed it off as her moving away to another school.

After the loss of that friend managed to make more "friends," but it doesn't really feel that way. Yeah, we talked, played, and hung out, but it just didn't feel genuine.

Throughout the rest of elementary school, I felt excluded and different because I easily gained weight. By the time the 5th-grade promotion rolled around, I was already 5'8.

I also didn't like to wear skirts, dresses, or shorts because they showed off my hairy legs. I was literally a fuzzy human in every aspect. Even hair growing on the sides of my face.

Then we got to middle school and it got worse because all the girls were starting to get attention. They would have boyfriends and huge friends groups. All of which I never had. I wore beads, they didn't. I was heavy-set, they weren't. they didn't have acne, I did.

I still hung out with the "friends" from elementary since we all lived in the same area code. Although, it felt like I was just a ghost.

My opinions didn't matter and I was frequently ignored.

There was this girl, who to this day, still has problem with me. I don't why. Maybe, she feels the same way I do. Maybe she views me the way I view others. It was also after 8th grade graduation that I learned that their opinions didn't matter to me.

By the time 9th grade came around, my teeth were practically straight from the three years I had been wearing braces. My face was pretty clear. And I was still 5'8.

I stopped trying to fit in with others and instead started to just be myself. I was tired of feeling hurt all the time and feeling like I was just a bystander.

As a result, I made 1 very important friend. 3 and a 1/2 years later we are still best friends. She was taller than me, skinner, and even lighter than me. But that didn't discourage either of us.

She was cast aside like me and we seemed to grow from that. Once the pandemic started going strong and schools closed, we didn't have much contact with each other, and yet, we were still going strong.

I started to lose some of my weight and do my own little experiments. I played in make up but never to much. Just eye shadow and lip makeup.

When I put makeup on for the first time, I felt pretty. However, I had came to the conclusion that I was prettier when I wasn't wearing the makeup.

I started wearing more loose fitting clothing and smiling a little more. I felt really great knowing that I was happy to be who I really was.

Now I'm in the 11th grade. While people are still not talking to me, I don't let it affect me. Boys look and talk to me more. People copy my dress style. They always run to the store and get the shoes that I have (which makes not want to wear them anymore), and they are a lot more friendly.

I learned that when I'm not trying to fit in, I feel ecstatic. I still dip my hand in makeup from time to time, but who cares. I still look gorgeous.

Never, will I ever, try to be like anyone who is not me.