Wet n wild

Sitting in my whirlpool, i’ve never felt it drag me down too much. It doesn’t have an aggressiveness to it. It’s comfortable, alleviating from anything else i’ve ever known, not that i’ve known much else. It’s calming. From a distance I can see everyone else’s whirlpool. Some people’s whirlpool are heavy and agonizing. It doesn’t allow for other people to find comfort in it. It’s aggressive, it’s harsh. You can’t get in unless you were in it when it started. It pushes people out who try and calm it down. I see people who share their whirlpool’s with other people. It can be soft sometimes but most often it’s ugly, humiliating, and showcasing of the people in it. They never really mix well together. I feel bad for people who share their whirlpool. There’s hardly ever a time when two people share their whirlpool that either of them are happy. It’s depressing. It’s harsher than the one of the person’s who’s whirlpool is so aggressive. But even with all of this so many people do it. The idea of sharing a whirlpool is tempting I can admit but the action is never what anybody expects. They poison one another’s whirlpool and then leave. Those who can’t leave have kids in their mixed, poisonous, miserable, unsatisfied, deadly whirlpool. The kids are born into their own whirlpool, so similar to that of their parents. The children are born into chaos. Who will the kid have to rely on when it gets too aggressive for them to handle? It’s getting deeper. The kids are reaching their hand out begging for help. Where is their help? It’s getting deeper. Why does no one notice? It’s getting deeper. I don’t see them anymore. They’re drowning. They’ve drowned.

I’ve seen it countless of times. It’s sad honestly but what am i gonna do from the perspective of someone who’s sitting in a calm and easy going whirlpool? The waves are as calm as the ocean when you’re on the beach. Sometimes they get aggressive and pull me down but not too far. It’s deep. Very deep. I can’t see or feel the bottom but it’s not as deep as the ocean. I know people who’s whirlpool’s are shallow. Embarrassingly shallow. They try and compare their shallow water to depth of the ocean and the boundlessness of the sky. People who choose to walk into their whirlpool scrape their feet on the concrete. Some people leave immediately, others keep walking until their blood makes up the entirety of the body of water. I’ve seen people who have come out of their whirlpools. I don’t know where they go. I don’t know if it’s better or worse there. I can hear them sometimes. They talk a lot about things I don’t understand like trauma or healing your inner child? I don’t really think it applies to me. They’re voices get more faint by the day. I usually ignore them because I’ve also seen people who listen to them and then fall deeper into their whirlpool. It’s tempting because if I do get out what’s there for me? Happiness? Love? But if i don’t and I fall deeper into my whirlpool what’s there for me? love? security? peace? I’ve chosen to stay where i’m most comfortable which is my whirlpool.

One time I tried to touch the bottom of my whirlpool. I wanted to see how far it went and if it was as deep as the ocean. I held my breathe and swam down into the depths. It was dark so dark. I could only see the outlines of people I once knew, old pets I used to have, birthday parties, the neighborhood I was born into that I later moved out of because my dad got a job somewhere else. I kept swimming trying to find the bottom. My hand stretched as far as it could the whole time. My feet kicked so hard they went numb I didn’t even know if i was still kicking. I started to lose breath. I felt a really heavy pressure on my chest and my stomach. Why is it so heavy? My ears popped. I kept swimming. My hand stretched so far.

…

I can’t swim. I can’t swim! I’ve never been able to swim why did I think I could do this?! What am i doing?! It’s not gonna work i’m going to die here someone please help me! That’s what i thought to myself as i passed out. I don’t know how but i eventually got back up to the top of my whirlpool. I was in just a little bit deeper than I was when I left. Who or what brought me back up here? How did I get back? I never found out and I probably never will. Maybe something in me didn’t want to die that way so it saved me and went back into my subconscious. How could I have been saved but no one ever thought to help those kids? or those people stuck in each other’s whirlpool?

I’ll never get out.

My fingers are wrinkled like when you sit in the bath for too long. When you put your head underwater in the tub and just lay while your body goes still. Or like when you sit down in the shower because you just can’t handle the pressure of standing up. Or like when you go to the beach with your family and you’re in the water for so long that your fingers are wrinkly and there’s sand everywhere, you swallowed so much salt u think you’ll turn into a fish.

I’ve seen people who are tired of being in their whirlpool and they try to get out but they don’t really get out. They fake it like they’re out. They tell everybody that they’re out when they’re still splashing around water from the whirlpool and dipping their toes in it. After a while they get sucked back down into it. It happens to more people than you think. People want to get out so bad but they don’t know how. That’s why i’m just sitting here. Until they find a formula or something that guarantees you can get out of here I don’t want to try it.

The worst is seeing old people sitting so deep in their whirlpool. You can’t help but wonder how long they’ve been there and what put them there. Maybe it’s the same thing that got me here. I really wish I was telling you this from outside of my aggressive and isolating body of water that I call my safe space. I’m so tired of sitting here. My body is aching from the pressure, my fingers are wrinkly, my skin is dry, my eye bags are so deep because I can’t fall asleep because i’m afraid I’ll drown. And i’m so cold. Maybe my whirlpool is like the ocean. I’ve tried so long to act like my whirlpool isn’t as bad as the others that i’ve seen. Like I haven’t drowned people that have come into mine, like I haven’t poisoned other people’s, like when you first start to come in the concrete doesn’t scrape your feet. Like I haven’t drowned.

I thought I was floating in my whirlpool and just watching people but I drowned that time I tried to see the bottom. No one saved me. I didn’t save me. I am stuck at the bottom and there’s still more to go. I can’t see a thing. Maybe I’ll swim up now that I know I’m drowning. Or maybe i’ll just stay here. Even if I did try to get out what would be waiting for me?