Watching the Clock

Today was the last day of this terrible weekend.

My kids would (hopefully) be returned tonight. I know that it seems to concern people by my use of the word hopefully, but here is the deal: my ex and I have a custody order. It has a list of rules that we jointly agreed to follow. One of those rules is regarding parenting time and exchange times. But, another one of those rules is regarding safety needs that we agreed to follow in the best interests of our disabled son. Those safety needs are not getting followed. Why not? I don't have a good reason. I have offered to help purchase the needed items. I have offered to help find grants or other ways to pay for said items. I have asked why the safety needs that we agreed upon are not being utilized.

"Because I don't see a need for them." Ok, well, then why did you sign the paper stating that you would follow it?

"Because I got a occupational therapist to state that my home was safe." Ok, but did you give them our son's documented needs?

"They said that it was safe. End of discussion." Ok, so can you sign the release so that I can give them our son's documented needs within his home environments that we agreed would be followed in his best interests and ask them if your home assessment is up to par with the court order?

And the answer was "No." It is simply none of my business if our children get their needs met at his home. He can ask and get answers all day long, but if I have a legitimate question regarding their well-being? Well, sucks to be me I guess.

The question that plagued me all morning: would they be allowed to call me this morning at the jointly agreed upon time? I felt myself hoping for yes and recentered my expectations back to "it is unlikely."

I ended up calling them after I never got the scheduled phone call. They were busy. They called me back a bit later.

So, was it on time? No. Was my coparent responsible enough to follow through on his agreement? No. Was my slight optimism crushed back to the reality that while I continue to attempt communication, that I will likely never get an ounce of the respect I give in return? Yes.

I kept working at packing boxes. I kept working on paperwork that I have fallen behind on while recovering from my surgery. I cried knowing that my ex continues to try to force his way and that I cannot rely on anyone to protect me or my children. I sobbed as I looked at the recommended court papers... and felt completely and totally alone. Don't file and nothing will ever change. File and maybe something will change? Or maybe it won't change and I will have just wasted more of my precious energy reserves asking my ex for the bare minimum to be given to our children.

Every medical professional recommends consistency for them. Dermatology. Behavioral therapists. Medical doctors. Parenting classes (you know, the court ordered parenting classes where coparents are supposed to focus on the needs of their children and act like adults and follow the rules for resolving conflicts?). But, I can't give them consistency beyond my parenting time because I cannot force their dad to listen to the mediators, the doctors, the therapists, the law enforcement officers, etc. who all say: Communicate with your coparent for the children's best interests.

"What are we going to do tonight with Daddy?" I don't know, but I'm sure that he has plans with you! They are young children and do not need to know that I am not allowed to know. Even things like girl scout meetings that were supposed to be added to the joint calendar, well, they are during his time and they do not get added to the joint calendar. It is apparently none of my business, but it is my business to enroll our son in boy scouts - that his father will not take him to the meetings or events for if they happen during his parenting time.

My ex informed me that I can move, but that our children can't move. That our children are fine with him, but that my anxiety is triggering their anxiety. He has been strangely silent about his anxiety that he (used to) take multiple times per day medication for - while I have not had any luck with anti-anxiety medication with my "out of control anxiety." I have had luck in having less meltdowns and shutdowns with changing my routine to one of less in person contact with him, doing less of his parental responsibilities, in standing up for my needs to be met, and less conflict with our kids - brought on solely by my trauma response of people pleasing and having to deal with their strong reactions to not knowing what is coming next in their evenings with dad and their weekends with dad.

I don't know how to take his refusal to let our children move. It would mean that they will be living alone in the house that I am selling? But, he refuses to discuss such things. He spoke. And that is just that I guess? Like most things to do with me, my plans don't seem to matter to him - but hey, at least he continues to show consistency there, right? *wink*

Children, especially young children, need consistency.

Autistic individuals need consistency.

I looked at the week ahead of me:

• Monday I have one of my counseling appointments and the children have their counseling appointments.
• Tuesday I have my weekly meeting with one of my mental health support workers and the kids have their eye doctor appointments.
• Wednesday I have meetings with specialized allergy peoples and another mental health support worker.
• Thursday I have my psychiatrist - and maybe a chance to get some writing done.
• Friday I have my autism therapist who is doing her best to help me change things in my life that are not working for me.

And there are likely other appointments that I forgot to add into my schedule, but I am still moving forward and I think that is a good thing?

I wish for things to be better, but life doesn't always turn out the way that we pray it would.

Some days I wish that I could be the parent that he chooses to be and withhold consistencies, refuse to share joint information, refuse to participate in joint decisions or compromise, refuse to communicate, etc. But then I think of the two little people who are the ones who end up getting hurt by that behavior.

I cry because it isn't fair to them. But, if I am the only one it matters to? Well... I guess it is better for them to have one parent who puts them first than none at all? And maybe, just maybe, that is what makes me a success - even on hard days.

What are your plans for success this week?