Wasted

I was wasted. Room-spinning, lights-dimming wasted. Maybe the slur in my words should’ve been enough to let him know. I surely failed to say no. Why’d his hands go there of all places? In front of everyone? How’d nobody notice? Room-spinning, lights-dimming, hands-skimming wasted. All I did was take a few shots. He kept getting us to take more, who was I to turn down a drink? Or a few more glasses of wine, or a maybe pair of stalking eyes? The thoughts disappeared with every sip and swallow. I was gracefully gliding on thin ice, but I didn’t care. After all, it was New Years Eve! What’s the worst that could happen?

Let’s play beer pong and talk about our latest wins! Yes, I did get into a relationship! Oh yea, he’s a sweetheart. So sorry he couldn’t come tonight, he’s with his family. That good little kid. Hopefully, I’m good enough for him. Yes, I do apparently suck at beer pong, but I’ll try anyways. The buzz is just starting to get good, why waste it sulking? Oh, the lights! Would you look at them? He’s slowly dimming them, and the music! Put it on blast, who cares! We’ve got all these people here anyways. Yea, let’s give those neighbours something to really complain about!

Heart-pumping, foot-thumping wasted and ready for some more! Each beat is vibrating through me, and his eyes stay attached to my every move. So, I move! Let’s give him a show, what else am I here for? They’re grabbing me and spinning me around the room! Oh, this is too good. Laughs everywhere, slurring the lyrics to a song I don’t even know. This is the end to a good year, isn’t it? Hips-swaying, mind-racing wasted!

And we’re only getting started, aren’t we? The countdown’s in an hour, and look! He’s pouring us more shots to drown out the sound. He’s hoping it’ll drown out my senses too. He’s hoping I’m drowning in the scent of liquor and wine, he’s hoping I’m all his tonight. Too little, too late, now that I’m wasted away. Room-spinning, lights-dimming, fight-killing wasted.

And the countdown goes! Pull out your phone! Capture the moment before it’s all gone! 10, 9, 8, 7 … [He keeps looking over here, like he’s been all night] 6, 5, 4 … [He’s inching closer like I want it] 3, 2, 1 … Happy New Year! Cheery-eyed giggles everywhere! Hugs and kisses flooding the room, and I’m soaking up all the energy. Dashing bodies, left and right, wishing everybody a good start to the new year. Let’s spin again! Turn the music up, let’s drown the noise and remember why we’re here. Room-spinning, Lights-dimming, drink-sipping wasted!

-

This couch is so so comfy, way too comfy to be a couch. This perfect, beautiful couch we’re all cuddled up on, what could go wrong? God, the cushion feels good for my head. But what’s that other thing… riding up my leg. The blanket’s covering us all up, and I can barely look down. We’re all so squished together, I can barely move around. His eyes aren’t on me anymore, but his hands are. And everyone else is watching but they can’t see. Who can blame them? Neither can I.

What’s the harm in a wandering hand? It couldn’t have been on purpose. We’re in the kitchen now, just chatting about the fun stuff. All the happy stuff, hopefully nobody looks into his eyes and sees what’s going on behind them. Wondering where his mind’s wandering now. He’s hoping he’ll get away with this, and how couldn’t he? Room-spinning, lights-dimming, tight-fitting jeans pressed right up against me now. And only I know what’s sticking through them, only I can feel it. Everybody’s in front of us, and only I know. Please tell me why I froze.

The feelings are all mixing into one now. All coming up now, where’s the washroom? Better safe than sorry, right? Where is that… upstairs? Like I could walk up a whole staircase without falling! No! 2023 is my year, it has to be! And it will be… now where’s that staircase?

It slipped my mind. It shouldn’t have, but it did. A mind that flew out the window hours ago. What else slipped?

Did he slip into the bathroom on purpose before I walked in? Did he slip down his pants on purpose before I froze again? Couldn’t I have slipped out of his firm grip, or cried for help, or have done anything remotely sane to save myself? It’s a power thing, isn’t it? Where’s your power after it’s been taken? Where do the powerless go, if not in another person’s possession. That is the result, is it not? You lose your power, and they possess you?

I feel possessed by something now, after the whole incident. Once denial, turned rage, into sadness and now, I’m just empty. Soul-numbing, head-fucking empty. Is this supposed to be the end of it? Or is 2023 really going to be my year?