Unveiling of the Soul

once again, my heart is ripped from my chest. I’m made to look stupid and reliant on this person who completely disregards my feelings, emotions, thoughts. why am I crying about it? Because I can’t believe that a human being can be this heartless. this cold. this insensitive. I feel so deceived, but why am I shocked. i feel so lied to, but isn’t that always the case. I hoped for changed. I was excited for change. I dreamt of a change. For some reason I actually believed in the small, close to impossible chance of a change. A change that would shift everything. Instead, I got what I asked for. I’ve been looking for reason after reason to walk away. I’ve tried and have been unsuccessful. I have recited speeches, and endless lines on what I would say. I have created emotionally vulnerable voice memos in hopes of being able to put all the emotions, energy and vulnerability into the phone, only to never have to deal with it again. Hoping that in some way the phone could swallow up and absorb all of my emotions that are so deeply tied into this situation. That somehow the phone could suck away the hurt, betrayal and lies from within me so I could be free of it all once and for all. Somehow I could put all of this into an item that could be separated from my heart so I could heal and move on. Why does it hurt so bad, you may ask? Because to love and not be loved in return is by far the worse pain of all. To love so deeply and feel nothing but the continuous brutal stabbing of your beating heart, the same one you continue to put into this dead situation - that’s utter pain. it’s unfair. it’s exhausting. it’s…. what words can I even use. I feel like a shell of a shell. My heart pounds, what do I say upon arrival? do I say anything? do I express the pain that eats me up inside? do I act like the shell i have become when it pertains to this situation?

Am I losing this boy I love so much, and cannot seem to let go of. Cannot, such a powerful word. Can i really not? Do I really believe that I do not hold the power inside of myself capable of freeing my heart and soul from this exhausting and unrewarding situation? Do I really believe I can not do it? Or have I convinced myself of this because it’s a better excuse that any other pathetic one I could conjure up? Any pathetic one to make myself feel so much better about the awful place I continue to walk myself into and tie myself to. I have been so used to the bondage i allow my heart to enter into that how can I really say I know how I feel? do i remember what it feels like to be free of that bondage? Or to be free to feel raw and genuine emotions - one’s that aren’t tied to the pain someone inflicts? What is it to experience emotions, I’ve completely forgotten. Will I lose this boy & heal? The fear of the unknown is overwhelming