Untitled Random Thoughts

I sometimes think about my mom and wonder why she did all the crazy hopeful things she did

Why would she enter so many sweepstakes and contests knowing the chances of her winning?

Did she just like to torture herself with high hopes only to have them crushed every single time?

Or was there something more. Something deeper.

Trying to provide a better life for Sarah and me. For all of us. Trying to give us a life she never had

A life she would never be able to give to us on her own

I think back on the things my mom did and I am eternally grateful

I know all the sacrifices she made to make sure we had everything we needed. I know I didn’t have the best childhood one could have but I never felt like I was missing something.

When my mom passed, my entire life froze. I was stuck in this state of “what are we going to do now that she’s gone?”

My eldest siblings already had life figured out, with their jobs, spouses, careers.

Yet here I am, barely 18, expected to become a full-grown independent adult overnight.

Boy, was it a challenge. I have made a lot of mistakes, but it led me to where I am today.

And now here I am following in her footsteps. Entering in stupid contests with the hope of starting something better.

I know how slim my chances are. 1 to 136 million. But maybe, just maybe, I could be that 1

And I’m not just doing it for me. It’s for her. To let her know that I’m going to be okay. That I will be taken care of and not have to live in a state of constant worry like I know she did.

I hate waking up every day worrying about what bills are coming due and how are we going to manage this and that.

Losing your mom at such a young age is one of the worst things to go through, and it is something I don’t wish upon my greatest enemy.

It has been over 5 years and I am still not over it. I mean, I am, but I’m not. How could you ever get over something like that anyway?

I hate when people expect grief to just up and disappear. No, my grief is like a jacket.

It’s always on, always weighing me down. But sometimes it’s like a heavy winter jacket, drowning me in heat and sweat here in my tropical home.

Other days it is a nice windbreaker, gentle and barely there. Those are the days I look forward to the most.

It is so hard living life with my mother. I just hope I can make her proud.

I sometimes wish someone would take a chance on me

I’m a good bet; I will never let you down.

Yet when people look at me all they see is risk.

I just want someone to give me a shot.

All I want is to win the lottery. Wouldn’t that be the dream?

To wake up every day not worrying about this bill or that bill

No, just waking up and enjoying life. And I know there is more to life than money, but man does it help.

I want to be able to take care of the people I love. The people that have helped me.

Those that stood by my side when my life was crashing around me and said, “It’s going to be alright”

Because those people deserve all the love and money and care in the world. And I don’t deserve to have friends as nice as they are.

I mean, who wants to be in a friendship with nothing in return? Yet, despite that, they stay.

Which is a debt I can never repay.