unloveable

Emotions are like waves in the ocean, just as things seem to settle down, the next biggest wave comes along that can sometimes push people away. I dont want to push him away but im so scared that ill lose him that i cant even do anything without having a constant fear of losing my bestfriend. Its been almost two years since ive met him, for two years ive been holding my emotions back. Over the course of time ive seen him get involved with multiple girls, and as his bestfriend i give him advice every single time. If im on vacation, if im praying, if im with friends, if im doing anything, hes always there in the back of my mind. love its self can be the biggest blessing or the worst disease. I love seeing him happy, when he smiles his dimple slightly shows and his laugh is so unbearable. There were a couple times where i thought to myself, "maybe he does like me back". this one time after seeing a post of mine he texted a mutual friend of ours and asked if she had seen my post, proceeding to call me pretty, Which is not like him. Our friendship is more of a tough love thing, which i didnt mind until i developed feelings. I cried almost all night after setting him up with a friend. Now i know what youre thinking, "that is such a dumb move, why would you do that?" because no one knew that i liked him.

This friend of mine would occasionally ship us together as we were all in a friendgroup. I would brush it off by saying no or ew, when deep inside i yearn for him. Ive seen it all, the upset him, the happy/crazy him, the cute him, the "im so manly, give me 15 push ups" him, the insecure him. Everything. even when he talks about other girls to me sometimes my heart flutters because hes so happy when he talks about her. But theres only so much faking i can do, as soon as i get off the bus and i enter my house i run upstairs and cry my eyesballs out, sometimes i dont even get to the end of 6th period, sometimes its as soon as he speaks. Although i know its not possible sometimes i feel like theres something or when people tell me "he'll realize when its too late, and youve moved on" even the i dont think ill ever get over him, the day i get over him ill take this down. Hello robots that are reading this in 2067!! all jokes aside, i really wish he could see me, and i wish he would be happy even if its not me, it should atleast be someone who can love him more than me.

Ive used guys as rebounds but theyve never worked, when he would tease me about them it would anger me so much. Not even a little concern? a little jealousy? It makes me lose my mind when i see him acting so careless all the time, But what can i do? i cant get over him. He knows everything about me, i feel like i know everything about him but then he talks to our mutual friend, his failed talking stage and i feel like a stranger. i sit there in class and watch them talk on and on about things ive never even heard of. It make me jealous, IM NOT EVEN A JEALOUS PERSON. i dont know why it angers me so much but what i do know is that, he deserves me, only i can give him the things he misses.