Twin Trip.

You know that feeling when your in a relationship with someone who is just so perfect for you, you like the same movies, foods, you make each other laugh, they even kinda look like you, all your friends like them, your the perfect couple in your friend group. Naturally you then move in together, get to know each other’s families, get a plant together, maybe even a puppy ( a practice kid really but you don’t actually ever say that because that would look needy and clingy, even though you both treat the dog like a child baby) Then you get to the level of showering together at first it’s sexy, then it’s clinical... now your watching each other pee and poop, by this stage you have automatically reached this very specific level of comfort where you just assume your going to be together forever and ever... and ever.

Until one morning, you wake up roll over for morning kisses and guess who’s been replaced by a letter that reads “ I’m sorry I didn’t have the courage to do it in person I couldn’t stand to see you hurting. I really need to be alone right now and figure out what I want. I am so sorry, I hope one day you can forgive me for being so selfish”.

You F**ker. Yeah. That’s my story. unfortunately.

Hey, my name is... well actually I’m going to call myself Amber for the sake of this story because truly it is one of the most embarrassing moments of my life. I hope my dignity provides you with some joy. Here goes nothing....

I was left alone, in a new Apartment with a plant, letter and now broken heart. At first I was extremely confused I called him several times… Then several more times… Then a couple more times… Then two more times… And then several more times but, no answer. So now I entered the angry stage how could he do this to me?! ME?! we were perfect for each other, all his friends liked me I made them laugh to first time we met! we both like star wars and piña colada‘s and the Color black which most people argue that black isn’t even a color but he saw it the way that I did, we were the perfect match. i’ll never find someone as perfect for me again. this was the end of my love life.

Two Ben and jerry tubs and a bottle of wine later I had one of those beautiful, genius light bulb moments. I was going to become a female player. I decided if I never get emotionally involved with anyone again and I hurt them before they hurt me I will always be OK and I will never feel like this again. it was one of my best ideas ever, I was rather proud, So what did I do next you may be wondering?

A simple click, swipe, click and I am tinder‘s new Medusa. Oh hello Tom85, how are you doing tonight? to cut through the boring stuff Tom was doing just fineee, In fact he invited me out to dinner.

I remember once when I was a kid my mother told me, The best way to get over someone is by getting under someone else... she had just left hubby number five, I thought wow she must be right she has had more husbands then all the other adults around me, mom must really have this thing figured out.

So here I am, in my new empty apartment in my underwear laying on the big couch we got that’s now ridiculous for one person but the good news is may I remind you, Tom85 has just asked me to go to dinner with him! I got up jumped in the shower shaved my legs, under arms, privates and washed my hair that was sweaty from all the crying and screaming into pillows I had been doing earlier. I felt like the human equivalent of when your mom says to clean your room and you shove all of your dirty laundry under the bed or into the closet. I may have looked like I had it together on the outside but I sure as hell was a basket full of dirty laundry on the inside.

Never the less! Nothing a bit of Beyoncé can’t fix. Hold up. They don’t love you like I love you. flip my hair back and forth, dig out the most seductive dress I own and off I go to meet Mr handsome Tom85.

Hi, I am Amber, NICE! To meet you. Holly WOW. Tom85 you look like I wanna Amber69 you later HELLO! calm down, remember, YOU are the medusa of tinder. Here to slay not stay. okay.... so I got my cool back and we sat and talked, drank, laughed it was an amazing first date. Truly I had such a great time. Tom85 Seemingly did as well, because he asked me back to his house.

You see Old Amber never would have said yes in fact little secret between me and you, old Amber had never even had a one night stand before BUT this was the new Amber. Heartbreaker Player player dude slayer. Yeah that’s me.

We get back to Tom85’s house. it’s nice, he has three bedrooms and a balcony what is this dude Elon musk? I dunno but I put my feet up and... “ please don’t put your feet on the couch that’s real leather” oh right sorry about that. not very medusa of me to apologize but hey I’m new to this thing give me a break. Tom85 then proceeded to put some jazz music on a record player so smooth, so classy and then he followed that act up by pouring me a glass of wine that real good wine that you let breathe before you drink it. This was one classy re bound that’s for sure, I was very proud of myself for this little find.

So, We drank, we talked, we kissed, we undressed, I stopped. Hey, i’m just going to freshen up real quick. Tom85 said “sure, meet me in the bedroom when your done”, “ sure” I said while bitting my bottom lip both nervously and adorably all at the same time. Off I went to the rest room. Im scanning my eyes looking for some mints or toothpaste I can’t seem to find anything then I find a spray bottle that says fresh,fresh, fresh on it so I sprayed a little in my mouth and... nope that was room spray! Ouch! oh man that burns. I washed my mouth out, exfoliated my tongue with a towel and left the bathroom to go to the hot steamy bedroom to meet Tom85.

I walk in, there he is shirtless, laying on the bed playing a cool video game playing hard to get and boy oh boy did it work. The light bounced off the TV carving his Abbs out 1... 2... 4... 7... 8 a whole 8 pack! oh. My. God. This was going to be fun. “hi” I said, while hugging the bedroom door frame and twirling my hair. Tom85 looked at me dazed and confused. I decided it was finally time for me to embrace the dominance in me, the powerhouse, Bas ass women I now am. I walked over climbed on top of him and started to kiss him. He tried to stop me and say something to me I put my finger on his lips and said “shush, enjoy it”. I continued kissing him, putting my hands on my body, taking his pants off, I felt amazing, I was in charge and this guy was enjoying it so much that he looked like he had just seen a ghost it was better than I ever could’ve expected. I started to make my way down town when Someone came Barging into the room through the door, I quickly got up and covered myself with the sheets... “ LUKE! What the hell man?!”

Luke?!.... Tom85?!.... wait what? I looked in front of me and I saw Tom 85 then I looked at the door and I saw Tom85, I looked again in front of me and again at the door and again in front of me and again at the... Holly SH*T there are two of you?! You guys are... twins?!! Tom85 at the door started yelling at Tom85 in the bed he said“ Luke you said you wouldn’t do this again, it’s not funny anymore man’’. I got up so fast. I don’t remember the rest. I Ran to my car in nothing but the sheet and never ever did I talk to that guy/guys ever again or give them back their sheet.