Too Emotional?

The past few weeks have been an emotional whirlwind.

Everybody always tells me to prepare myself for the unexpected, but I never saw this one coming.

People often find it difficult to make deep friendships with me because my past can cause me to push people away.

Recently, something happened that has completely blown my mind!

I found someone with whom I connect on a level that goes deeper than any other friendship I know, and the best part,

It was completely unexpected!

I won't name this person because he doesn't want me to do so here, in public, due to the nature of his work.

I respect him for that, and I ask everybody reading this to do the same.

It started when I was grieving the loss of a dear singer I still love with all of my heart.

I still can't shake his death. This singer is someone I have loved since a young age, through sadness, trauma, and happiness. It's like my entire life story in music.

The emptiness I have felt since this loss has been overwhelming, and I have been feeling alone with my feelings because people did not seem to understand my deep grief.

I did the only thing I could do. I reached out to someone about my grief, and things just escalated from there.

I talk to this person about all kinds of things, including things that are troubling me, and singing, which we are both massively passionate about.

It's like sitting in my living room with a cup of tea or coffee and talking to someone I have known all my life.

It's similar to sitting in a bar with your best friend and being at ease with yourself, whether it is acting silly or being completely serious.

I can be both with this friend, in ways I can't be with other friends.

It's the strangest feeling, because I have never experienced friendship in this way before.

To be able to laugh, feel down, admit I'm upset, and discuss awkward topics, crack jokes, and say "I love you" without him thinking it's something more than I want, is amazing in every way!

I feel emotional, in a happy way.

I've had tears he hasn't seen.

In my life, I have never known what it feels like to be intimately close to a friend in this way.

Before I was married, I never had the opportunity to experience intimate friendship without being abused. Because of complicated problems such as disability, even my marriage has had its share in the past.

My marriage is more stable now, but that kind of stuff takes time when trust issues have occurred after a traumatic history like ours, but we are working on it.

I can discuss these issues with my friend in confidence, and I know I can trust him not to judge me for it.

I still love my husband, but friendship is something I craved long before I met him, because I didn't have many true friends.

All I had ever known was how to be abused by a friend or partner; even now, I still suffer from problems because of it.

I was recently told that I was too emotional because I had a few tears.

I don't see it this way;

I feel that my emotions are valid, given the situation I have been in.

I spent my life walking a lonely path, as many of my readers will know from previous true stories.

That path wasn't easy.

I'm walking a different path today, and it terrifies me.

I'm afraid of ending up on the same path, but I know it wouldn't be healthy for me to stay there.

Imagine having people you consider true friends all your life, only to find they use and abuse you even after knowing them for such a long time.

Yes, just for the record, my other best friend, whom I mentioned in another story, is still a best friend, although not in the same way as this.

This goes deeper than that, because we talk, and we stay in touch, support each other, laugh together, joke together, and share things more often, even just for banter when we are bored.

The thing is...

It takes some getting used to, because I'm only ever used to being abused or walked away from when things get tough.

I find myself terrified of losing him.

I have spoken to my husband about this, and he does find it great that I have found a friend with whom I can relate deeply. He has encouraged me to keep it going, but that is the problem.

Keep it going?

What if he decides I'm not worth it?

What if he gets the wrong idea?

What if he walks away, like the rest?

These are the worry thoughts that run through my head, even though they seem irrational.

It's a learned behaviour shaped by my past, that I am trying to unlearn.

I never experienced a friendship like this before, and I certainly never had a friend whom I could relate to like him in my entire life.

So yes, maybe I am too emotional.

Wouldn't you feel the same if you were in my shoes?