To my Daughter

I could choose to write about a conscious decision I made that affected my life, a choice that I made ahead of time. I could discuss career changes, marriage, even where I chose to live. But none of those decisions changed my life as much as something that happened to me. It wasn’t something that I had ever wanted, nothing that I would have chosen, and yet, it was the best thing that ever happened to me.

**Full Disclosure - Mom, if you’re reading this, I’d like to apologize to you ahead of time. I’m going to be brutally honest here about myself. It’s not a pretty picture and I’m not sure how much you’ve pieced together over the years, but this is the real deal. This is how I felt and where I was mentally at the time**

I was 20 when I found out that I was pregnant. Pregnant and single, though the father was someone I was dating at the time. I remember being shocked when I received the news, although I really shouldn’t have been. I think I was more shocked about what I was going to do. I mean, crap, there was a person growing inside of me! What was I going to do? How was I supposed to support and care for it? I was just a kid myself.

I know these are thoughts and concerns that everyone probably has when they first get the news unless they are settled into their careers with a partner, planning and dreaming for a family. But that wasn’t me. I had never wanted kids. I never even wanted to get married.

As a child of divorce, I never wanted to tie myself down without the option of being able to leave when I got bored or things got tough. It seemed so much easier to just never have those strings to cut. I was also a bit of a partier and wanted to enjoy myself however and wherever I chose to for the rest of my life.

I’m not belittling those who choose to settle down, it just was never in the cards for me.

That day though, it never crossed my mind not to keep my child. Again, not judging those who choose the other option. I’m not living your life. I don't know what happened to make you take that route. I’m just saying, looking back, it surprises me that it didn't occur to me.

My daughter saved my life.

I was on a path of self-destruction. I was filled with anger and so much hatred, for the world and for myself. Depression ruled my life and numbness consumed me so that I just wanted to feel something. I partied without a care for consequences, no worries about tomorrow. There was so much darkness inside of me and I had to go to extremes to get it out. Otherwise, my days were barren of everything. I couldn’t feel happiness, so I faked a laugh. I couldn’t feel love, so I pretended with multiple partners. I never let anyone see the real me because I felt so ugly inside, how would they ever love me? I jumped around, always being the one to leave first, knowing (at least in my head) that they were going to leave me and it’s better to be the dumper than the dumpee.

It was ugly and although I’m not proud of the person I was, I am proud of the person I became.

Choosing to keep my daughter and make a family with the father and later, our son, was the best decision I have ever made.

Overnight, I stopped being self-destructive. I could no longer feed the darkness inside of me because I had someone that depended on me. Someone who needed me to straighten up and get my life on track. Although there were times over the coming years where I felt the creeping fingers of depression and despair, I couldn't acknowledge them. It was no longer an option to give in. I had to fight to stay strong and I am a better person because of it.

Our trials are what shape the people we become. It’s not in the quiet, easy moments where we see ourselves as we truly are. It’s in the screaming chaos where we can either emerge the victors of our own destinies or the victims of our fate.

I chose to be a victor and overcome my past, thanks to my daughter.

I’ve told her over and over that she saved my life but I don't think she truly understands. She probably thinks I'm being melodramatic. But daughter of mine, if it wasn’t for you, I really don’t believe I would be here today. So thank you, for being the easiest, most terrifying decision I ever made.