Thoughts on Turning Thirty

I'm turning thirty in ten days and I've got a lot of thoughts about it. Mostly how people in my life have viewed it. How they shape how I view my own feelings about turning thirty.

My Mom's words on it has been that she's slightly upset with it. Mostly thanks to the fact that she is going to be turning fifty in five months. So my turning thirty is probably making her realize she is getting older. Maybe.

My co-workers are a mixed bunch. One of them made a joke about how I'm turning old. Something that made me deeply uncomfortable despite her saying it was just a 'joke'. And she never apologized for saying such a thing to me. Though it still bothers me despite us not working together anymore. Other co-workers are constantly surprised as my allegedly youthful features make me seem younger. My baby face along with my behavior. I admittedly act younger than I actually am. And I'll own up to needing to mature a bit more.

One has said that I'll be grateful for it when I'm my Mom's age. As I'll look youthful for a while. It makes me feel less immature and more flattered.

Other folks seem surprised like my co-workers are. They speak about how surprised they are. Just how young I seem. It might be because I'm shorter than them and have a high pitched voice. Another thing that I'm not happy about. But for much different reason that I'll get to in another time.

I don't know how my brother views me turning thirty. I've never asked him about it. And I doubt he'll have any feelings one way or another.

It's been all I can think about for the past few weeks. The past few days have been stressful and I can't stop. I think over how strange it is that I'm turning thirty. As in all honesty, I never thought I'd get this old. Not going to explain why. It's a heavier subject that I don't want to dive into at the moment.

But, I feel nothing. Not like I'm upset or anything like that. I thought I'd feel something about turning thirty years old. Yet, I feel nothing in the slightest bit. Aside from just 'Oh, I'm turning thirty'. It feels like I'm young and it feels like I'm old. Sort of. I can't explain how I truly feel for a while now. It's been really hard for me to articulate. I really wish these feelings were more clear for me to understand. But, they're not. They're just nothing. Well, not really nothing but I don't know how to explain it. Other than just an empty feeling when I think it over for a while. I don't know how I'll feel on my birthday and actually turn thirty years old. But, I hope that I'll be able to handle them. Or at least be able to define how I actually feel in ways that make sense when it happens.

When it does happen. Just what should I do about it? What if it's bad? What if it's good? How do I deal with turning thirty? I know it's silly to be freaking out over turning a year older. To be turning thirty and acting like it's the end of my youth or something. Though, what age does youth truly end? Just when do we stop being youthful? When do we stop being the spry young creatures that crappy young adult books write about? And just why does thirty, forty, or Hell fifty make us so terrified? It's like those ages are considered something bad. But, they're just ages. Maybe I'm over thinking this but, I'm not sure.

Maybe someone else has felt this way too.