Thoughts are the soil for your Soul!

I have been asking myself questions questions about why I allowed things to get out of hand. I knew the path my life was supposed to take and I planned accordingly, which included marriage. I made it up to that point of marriage. I had built an image for myself that the public looked at as above upstanding. I love my life I love my job I love my family. I didn’t plan on a wife that just didn’t understand my plan and I didn’t plan on events that took place at my job that caused me to have PTSD. These two things a wife who didn’t understand or love and didn’t support me and the PTSD all at the same time caused me too lose control forget my focus and lose direction I had planned to go in.

Every day is a gift. I realize that and I knew I had to plan for days ahead. When I was around age 13 I decided I wanted to become a park ranger. My grandfather worked for the Park service and I saw him wearing a maintenance uniform didn’t realize he was not a park ranger but that’s what aspired me. So time passed I made my way and found the avenues I needed to make my dream come true. I became a seasonal park ranger worked around the country I was on my path I knew my next step was to become a permanent park ranger. Once permanent I could start looking at the rest of my life I knew I would be in this career until I retired I wanted to do the most that I could while I was there. The next thing I had planned was to start a family I had all the things in place. So I met a good woman and married her that was the beginning of my bad decisions. She failed to understand my plan failed to see that I was the one who could get us to the place we wanted to be. She told me I could go on my own if I wanted to transfer to a different park. And she wasn’t gonna follow me. I didn’t want a divorce I wanted to make this marriage work. Her reasons to stay, she told me that her best chance of becoming permanent was we were between two parks the great Smokies and the Blue Ridge Parkway. So I began to wait for her and got off my career path. Another devasting tragic thing in my life was a fellow park ranger got killed in front of me in line line of duty. This caused the PTSD. I needed the support of a good wife to help me get through this ordeal and I expected her to help me. I had built up an image for myself with the public and it was a good image. I didn’t expect my wife to tear down that image make the public look at me like I was a reject. Why she did that she cannot explain she has no idea she don’t even remember her keeping us from going to higher places because of her stubbornness she doesn’t see what she caused in my life and hers. The things that did happen that were good are two beautiful daughters. Like I said every day is a gift.

Now I’m at the end of this relationship, which Should have ended many many years ago. We are at the end of our road she’s going to take half of my life that I have built have my money that I had put away from my retirement and traveling around the world of course she wants to take it all and of course she won’t be able to explain why she just blames me for some unknown reasons. I supported her in every way I could even planning to follow her after my retirement following her around to different parks in the nation that she wanted to go to. I was confused well I wanted the best for her and supported her. Your father died and she shut me out. Again I was confused I felt like she was not gonna be treated fairly by her brother and sister-in-law and I wanted to see the best for her. I guess I shouldn’t have interfered she decided to separate and divorce and that’s where she’s going to take half of my stuff at least half if not more.

I realize now that this is the best thing that could happen to me I still have my girls I’ll be able to get on a path that I choose. I have to figure out what that path will be but it’ll be my path. I can go anywhere in the world anywhere. I want to keep my house for my girls and us sometime in the future maybe have plans for it but I want to keep it. I can’t worry about her and whether she succeeds or fails I have to let her go it’s the best thing for me or she will just keep taking from me and taking and taking. I got a few years left and I wanna make them good years I regret what she did because I did feel for her and like I said I wanted to support her and be with her but this is the best for me to be without her. No matter how comfortable she makes me feel it’s all a lie. Just think back what she has done to make my life better? Okay the answer is nothing. She even tried to steal my children’s affection, my relationship with each of them is so much better than the relationship she has with them, so she butted into my